My parents goofed up.... inputs

R!
I am disappointed! Tssk, Tssk, Tssk! You should know by now that one never argues from first principles where Indian notions of propriety are concerned. Every time you are tempted to say "Buzurgon ne kaha hai ki ....." or "Periyava ezhuthi vechhirukka ...." then you immediately have to assume that the buzurg probably also wrote the exact opposite as well. The indian canon was written to accommodate complexity and ambiguity!

Here are two legal precedents: Rama vs Sabari & Andal vs Perumal.

(1) There was an old lady called Sabari who lived in the Dandakaranya Forest. She was a great devotee of Rama. Rama in search of Sita reached the house of Sabari. Sabari was thrilled to see Rama. She wanted to give him food. The only food that was available to her was wild fruits. She was not sure whether a particular fruit was sour or sweet. But she did not want to give any sour fruit to Rama. So she ate a part of the fruit which she plucked, threw away all the sour ones. She thus offered half eaten fruits to Rama. Rama loved her a lot for her great devotion and blessed her.

(2) Andal of course is referred to affectionately as "சூடிக்கொடுத்தாள்" for offering to Vishnu the flowers she had already worn on her hair.

We have no real evidence of the true intent of the hosts in this case. Attribution of malice is ungracious. For every obligation that the norms of courtesy place on a host, there is a corresponding one for the guest. In the event of conflict, generosity and graciousness win.

If the OPs husband is miffed (I see no evidence of that, except that he mentioned it to his wife), he needs to ask himself what sort of man he wants to be. If I were the protagonist in this story, I wouldn't bring it up at all. My wife would not hear of it unless she wheedles it out of me (as women are wont to do!).

See you in court!!
:rotfl

 

Soka
Sabari is a Bhakta and Rama is not her guest he is her Lord.
Same with Andal.
The relationship and expectations are different.

Sorry R...didn't mean to steal ur argument .I will let u battle SN all by urself after this.

 

I am obsessed with food, partly as a result of my upbringing. It is not healthy. Italians are known to be the same way, especially Italian-Americans. However, since the "I" here stands for "Indus", not any other ethnicity, I'll confine my comments to us.

In the past few months and possibly years, I've read threads about wives, who when they fight with their husbands, sit in their rooms on mini hunger-strikes for hours, and then complain their husbands don't even care they're not eating. I read about a MIL who was hiding sweets or other good things from DIL. Someone else (Arch?) said her MIL tried to make her eat a rotten banana. This is not adult behavior.

Maybe I'm the only one noticing a pattern. Of all the important issues to "fight" about, surely food ranks as merely ridiculous? Here is a thread (no offense to you, Google, I'm just making a point) all about a meal that is threatening to boil over into an in-law battle. Really?

We all have enough to eat. There are millions starving, but we're not going to die of hunger any time soon. Let's not cloud the issue by bringing up hospitality, food intolerances, or the past. When food is used to manipulate (even if Google's mother is guilty of serving chicken to stir up trouble), someone should have the maturity not to take the bait.

I grew up in a household that was dysfunctional this way, so this is personal for me. I strongly feel that we need to break away from using food as a weapon, and giving it so much importance that it has the power to ruin relationships. A young mother here recently started a thread about how she was overwhelmed but she was still cooking great Indian meals from scratch (not easy at the best of times) for her husband while he was gallivanting around, going to parties, if I remember correctly.

I feel we need to re-think our priorities. I have changed my attitude, and while I still love (luuuuuuurrrrvvvveeee) food, I don't get angry about food-related matters anymore. I've realized people, and their feelings, are more important. We should, and can, solve inter-personal conflicts with communication, honesty, and all those other good things.

Not by cooking fish instead of chicken.

 

While I agree that if one looks at etiquette yes your family should have probably put an effort into it but, not because their son-in-law is coming for dinner but because they have a guest. I think anybody that comes home should be given the same amount of respect, it may not be the most elaborate of meals but if served with love it makes the difference.

Also I think your husband is make a mountain out of a molehill, in my opinion he is being immature. Maybe your mom was tired anything could have happened or maybe she was just nursing a grouse. If you can look at things from your husband's perspective, give your parents a chance as well and cut them some slack too....They did not do the right thing, but your husband is also being childish by complaining that they did not treat him like a "son-in-law" how many in-laws treat and honor the daughter-in-law with the same respect and honor....

 

Literalism does not serve one well in interpretations of mythology. These parables are instructive because they are also metaphors. The story is worth telling only because there was transgression of the norm that was forgiven. The Lord does not say you are my Bhakta so I will let this one slide, but don't go doing this sort of thing again. He says, anything offered with a pure heart I accept. Balanced with 'Athithi devo bhava', that is the obligation of guest and host.

Re: relationships as metaphors, the converse also occurs in Indian mythology. Not every Gopi is aware of Krishna's divine status. In that case the earthly 'love' is a metaphor for the love of a bhakta.

The question is how do we deal with transgressions?
It really is the thought that counts & when intentions are not crystal clear, then generosity rules.

I favor the approach recommneded in Romans 12:20 (NKJV):

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Even if one suspects malice (of a fairly mild order in this case), one is better off taking an approach that will "heap coals of fire" on the 'enemy's' head.

 

Precisely my point Soka. I doubt the purity of intent part...

Sabari is a tribal woman..she did not know that Rama shouldn't be offered something half eaten. Her upbringing/rules in her culture didn't teach that to her.

The same Rama does not forgive Ravana when he takes his wife away ...knowing that taking another mans wife is wrong. Departure from the norm does not always lead to pardon .
Its the intent thats important.

OPS mom knew that her son in law doesn't eat chicken and yet she makes that the only entree.

Quoting OP original post

No where does she say that her husband expected them to treat him royal Indian SIL. Simple statement of fact. They goofed up the menu. I think he has a right to be annoyed.

 

Past is past but going forward always respect and protect your husband when you are out of the 4 walls be it your parents, his parents, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. I have seen this happen in some Indian families that the moment they know some negative points about the girl or the boy or know that the married couple have issues, everyone else automatically loses respect and treats the girl or boy shabbily. Putting down one's spouse or one's marriage before others has long-lasting almost irreparable consequences. It is an image very hard to fix once destroyed. Your parents are not unique, I have personally seen many families act this way. Stand by your husband no matter what. The only lasting relationship is a marriage, everyone else (even children) come and go.

Aamrapali

 

The very fact that the title of the thread is "my parents goofed up" instead of "DH and MIL making mountain out of molehill" shows where YOU think the blame lies !!!

Yes, athithi is GOD and we Indians are prone to spoil all our guests with lots of rich royal food !

But, please understand that your mom could be sick or the local fish market had a bandh or she genuinely forgot !!!

I hope you got some PERSPECTIVE from all the above wonderful replies !!!

That said, if DH and MIL create an issue, I would suggest, keep out of the battle, say both are important to me and I am not going to choose or blame anyone here !! Be the bigger person here

 

I am sorry. I beg to differ. I don't see anywhere in the thread that the husband imposed his preferences on the wife's mother. According to OP, her mom knew that he does not eat chicken, still she made chicken. The husband went to the OP parent's house as a courtesy. When a guest comes to your house, you make sure he/she is treated right no matter who the guest is. They say guest is god. atithi devo bhava

I am sorry Soka - I have different views about it. Not because I am a guy but I personally believe Guests should be treated with utmost dignity.

 

I think there is a misreading here. The obligation of a host is "Athithi devo bhava". However, what I am trying to address is what does a gracious guest do when the host 'fails'? My contention is that he partakes of whatever is offered with the greatest courtesy.

I would not complain to my wife at all. I am not saying that I would not wonder whether there was an implied snub. Such thoughts pop into one's head unbidden. However, the priority here would be that I would not want to embarrass my wife. They are her parents. What was suffered here is the most minor of social infractions.

I am also not sure about what "she knew he does not eat chicken .." means. Maybe she really did. Maybe in spite of living with them for 4 months, it did not register in her mind. It's not clear to me from the post. Maybe she forgot. I know for certain that not all of my relatives remember my tastes, even though it's unambiguous that they love me very much.

I am not even willing to say that the husband is wrong. As I pointed out in my first post maybe he did not make a big deal of it & his wife drew it out of him.

All I am trying to say is this sort of social faux-pas is best ignored & ignored graciously.