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My Older One Missing Out On Classes

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    @DDream - I loved your words. thanks for taking time to write to me. I know I know I know.. i need to fix myself to fix the relationship with myself. I scream too much around the time to get things done, kids diaper change kids potty or brush or meals... but all for kids , because no one listens in 1-2-3 times. Warm meals gets dried up if not eaten in time but no one listens. H won't listen so older one won't
    She is following us. Even if i have something less to worry about, my H adds that stress like for cleaning. He yells about cleaning, and one job he does and he expects people not to walk or move around as they make mess.
    He screamed at her so much about cleaning up her room in the past, poor girl, will not focus on her teacher now, but keeps cleaning her room all the time. Now her teacher complains she won't sit.
    Anyways... i am trying and gone so much better about cutting done chores. Stopped cooking everyday and semi cooked meals

    About moving to USA, I hear you. I had same life back in india. My mom always screaming, angry at me and always wished to move out of house. She had 3 kids and job to manage and always resenting towards H and in-laws.
    Now I miss her so much and sometimes, i feel i hve become same...always screaming ...always screaming. that nonne bothers.
    To stay away from these problems, I started workouts. That helped me not worrying food, showers all the time. But then i feel workouts means i am ignoring her, her classes, her study, her assignments. She was not listening, so i stopped paying attention and changed my focus. She got worse. May be i need to slow down in workouts and spend more time with them. Whole day taking care of them along with work, all i want is some time not taking care of them :-(
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    @sanjuruby3
    You dont have to neglect yourself. For every one, there is only 24h. Just prioritize. Make sure you spend atleast half an hour for your kid. You can easily hug and kiss her often.
    You have to stop yelling. People get immune and don't care later. First change yourself and then tell your dh to stop yelling.
    Regarding cleaning- this was one of the issue I too faced. Tell your husband, if he is worried about cleaning, do it by himself or hire help. Tell him clearly that this what you can do. If he think he can do better, do it yourself. Best way is to ignore it and do it in your own pace. Seek help too.

    When he yell to your kid, dont do the same. Instead be a comfort zone. If she is wrong, you can tell her what was wrong later as I said above. Be there to comfort her and wipe her tears. Give her the feeling that you will be there for her all the time. Make it clear that you dont agree with wrong things.
    I shared the story just to give the idea how kids think and that I was not different. My mom is not a screaming type. But she was struggling with my youngest ( baby that time) sibling that time. No body was there to help. I was not able to digest even one or two anger bursts. I couldn't find any similar letter. She was not the reason I came to USA. It was due to my research area and fellowship. As I didn't have any plan to come abroad, this letter made me think and felt like the universe listened :grinning:. Just joking. So imagine how much your kid might be suffering due to yelling or screaming from both of you. Instead of shouting, go near to her and assert what should be done.Please think about it. Feeling sorry for her. Hugs to her. Learn to cherish , else we will be missing all these later. Time flies so fast.
    We learn from experience, consider that way. You can change everything by your positive attitude. Take it slow and steady. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2020
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  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    One partner deals with one toddler and one elementary kid, cooks, feeds, reheats, begs everyone to eat, watches toddler all day long, spends time in various rooms of the house trying to also do a full time job while juggling all these other things. The other partner yells about the dirty floors.

    Take a page from his book. Do your workout. Do only what you can around the house. Ignore his rant. See you yell 1-2-3 times about the food, does he budge? No right? Why are you worrying about the cleanliness?

    Cut yourself some slack. You are essentially managing your FT job and that of your nanny in addition to additional chores that come with not buying food or not going out to eat etc.
    Forget about the H and his attitude for now and focus on things you can control.
    I would focus on the kids/job rather than the H in your situation.
     
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  4. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    Hey ,
    You just need to make peace with certain aspects of your life and not aim for perfection ( And I do understand that feeling)
    So a special circumstance now means not be able to avail of other extraneous helps which you could in ordinary times.
    However one may not pandemic or no pandemic situations, parents/working mothers of such young children do face difficult and stressful periods and just tidying over taking one step/one day at a time is the best solution.
    So completely agree with @Laks09 above and cut yourself slack over everything that you are doing and just do the best to your capacities at this time.
    So take a deep breath and do what is best within your circumstances and not because some 'ideal' moms can do it all
    Trust me they are also just like us , except that they do put themselves and their health first to take charge of the family in the best ways!
    Good Luck
    Once you feel positive you would radiate the same to your children :) and definitely get more adept with dealing with them and their issues.
    At the end of the day the children only derive their confidence from yours and they only seek reassuring behavior from their parents.....
    For instance on the cleaning issue, if you could sustain in front of your husband over the cleaning issue the lil girl will understand that it's ok to not obsess over it ;)
     
  5. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    thank you all girls. Really these world really help. In this isolate situation, its good we have ears to listen to someone stories and talk.

    In real life, no one has time to hear others pains and all are busy and struggling to manage. Moreover, we can not say everything to everyone. My mother and sis are like my best friends and i talk to mother a lot about my problems.
    but i realize she starts crying and worry and there are things she won't understand. Even though she herself had similar issues and was working women, but its always like i am not doing right or not paying enough attention to my kids or their studies.
    If I pay 1% extra attention to her studies , i ll pay 1% less to me which means i ll skip on workouts time which is me time and stress out.
     
  6. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    I disagree with your assumption that ANY TIME spent on your personal health and well being takes away from the time you can contribute to your family's well being. You are very confused and trapped in your own negative thinking and stress cycle and putting blame on the outside situations or people. I wish you can spend time on some spiritual teachings or meditation as well to discover your inner peace, strength and love which is endless. Once you feel all that in you it will radiate to your family and the positive cycle will begin. If you are into spirituality, listen to BK Shivani videos on you tube. Especially her you tube channel playlists like Being Divine and Living Values.

    I will pray for your peace and send good thoughts and vibrations to you. GOOD LUCK !!
     
  7. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    May I was a bit harsh there but I meant to say it to jolt you to the reality that nothing in the outside will probably change for you immediately and the change should come from within you. While the practical suggestions like hiring help, communicating with husband about responsibilities, cutting down the household tasks, disciplining and spending time with kids are all at your dispense ..the actual strength to execute them comes from your inner strength and calm state of mind.
     

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