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My Older One Missing Out On Classes

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I accept that we are not able to manage our kids with WFH + contant meetings + little one and older one and to worsen situation, H is not helpful and older one has become same.

    She has been missing classes constant from past few days.
    I used to get complaints she is not focusing or playing with toys. I have myself seen that and does not listen. During class time, teacher speaking, she will be cleaning her room, putting things away...and he focus is no one gets into room.

    She won't let anyone come to room and we assume she is logging into 1 class to another. In one room i am attending meeting while managing little one. H is just doing work in another room but not in meeting.

    I go to her room to check on her meetings, she pushes me out. At noon, sneaking out watching TV for 3 hrs. I asked your noon class over,..... no answer. Turns out she missed out noon class and one early noon. She gets busy playing games etc. Does she do worksheets teacher sends no?


    Next day, again i am in meeting and managing little one in my room. H is not in meeting.
    I scream at him on his face please check on her 5 times... (by going to him )but he does not care. Again she missed out her class. Thing is she does not care what i ask her to do. I will login give me minute. Class is already on and just 1 minute left and she is telling me i will login ...wait finishing up game. I want to kill myself.
    I forcefully started class, her focus is not to attend last 1 min, but pushing me out of room and again closing/lock the door.
    If i keep her in my room( she wont be able to focus, i won't be and my son is also with me)
    I am really at the brink of crying.
    If i call india to vent out, my mother will give me other lectures... i do not pay attention to her... focus on her. thats what i did. I did not live my life for kids.

    My son is getting naughtier day by day and killing me
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    1. Remove the door to her room. Hang dark curtains with tension rod if needed.
    2. Install parental control software like Qustodio on devices and computers.
    3. Tell manager that you will be off from Friday 2pm onward for the next few months. Reserve Friday afternoon through Sunday night to focus on yourself and kids. Except a few household chores like cleaning and some meal-prep for the week, use the time only to recharge and to spend 1-1 time with each kid. Ignore husband.
    4. Choose one parenting book from your previous threads. Really try to follow a few things from it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2020
  3. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    How about taking her out, just you and her, for a day to know why she is behaving the way she does? Some loving conversation to let her express herself?

    Maybe, you will get to understand some root causes for this behaviour of hers. Children have a version that sometimes we fail to see.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2020
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree with Rihana. For her age you have given her way too much control. If your H is not helping then consider yourself as a single parent and act accordingly.
    The first step is to establish boundaries and discipline. Skipping school is not a permissible activity.
     
  5. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I read some of your earlier threads too.. Sanjuruby before doing anything you need to have a talk with your husband, no fighting, no yelling but just some heart to heart talk. You may tell that he is not ready and he won’t talk, but please for the sake of your family give it a sincere try.... Your daughter is not going to change her behavior magically.. she is sensing the disrespect between her parents... her little innocent brain thinks that it is totally ok to yell and disrespect if she doesn’t like something... Sanju, change should start from you and your husband and your relationship between each other...If I had hurt you, I am really really sorry, that is not at all my intention... Hope you see the root cause of the problems and start working on it.. Everything will fall in place,don’t worry! My best wishes!
     
    blindpup10 and shravs3 like this.
  6. soumya234

    soumya234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Is it possible to move her to your husband's room when she is attending classes? I have noticed kids are attentive when one parent is working in the same room. Kids who are in their rooms during classes, almost always are having a toy in hand or lying down in their bed or distracted. Move her to the living room or Dining table where you can monitor her once in a while. Best Wishes.
     
  7. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    I was having similar challenges managing everything and made a list of all the tasks and responsibilities and talked with DH that he need to either take younger one or older one's responsibility in-addition to the cooking/cleaning/groceries PERIOD. He then started to keep the younger one with him during the day when I am engaging with older one/working/arranging meals etc.. My older one and I share the office room and I help him with reminders to focus and support for any school work. It sure disturbs me, but I learned to handle it in few days.

    My husband is also not a super expressive or sharing type as well. We actually are going through a rough patch in our marriage as well and the pandemic aggravated everything. But I started to treat us like team members and myself more like the lead who will delegate tasks or decide the priorities. I handle my stress and frustration in other ways like running, meditation, talking to friends/family, reading books. I only talk to him pleasantly like I will do with a team member at work :) . Only when I am in good mood I actually make the effort to speak to him , rest of the time is getting the household run smoothly.

    This is not the time to waste energy on husband's minuses , but the time to work with what we have. I am sure you can find ways to hand some more tasks to him , at least few hours a day or have him focus on one kid primarily OR something... If you really think in a constructive way you will be able to find what works for your family and work on it. Do not expect any change in personality, apology or sympathy . They just don't get it. Be selfish and take lead and making it work without damaging mental health is the goal.
     
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  8. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    I'd hire a sitter just to take care of the older one. 6 years is too young to take care of their schedules on their own. As others said, you're giving a young child too much control.
     
  9. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    This behavior at 6 is more likely reflection of parents, than the kid itself. I say this, not to judge you, but to emphasize that the kid is probably coping in her own way, to the stress of being cooped up at home. I have 5 and 8 year old at home, both doing online classes. We are both working full-time as well, with 80% of both our days in meetings. So very little flexibility. Here are something that help us, especially with my 5 year old, who is more stubborn in his ways.
    1. I have both kids classes with links as reminders on their iPads.
    2. I also have alarm set up for each class starting time. So, even if I am in a different room in a meeting, I will hear the alarm and will give a quick verbal reminder to my younger son
    3. When my younger son was having a difficult time, following directions in class, and focussing, I set up a 1:1 with his teacher, who clearly told him what behavior she expected in class. When he is doing well, we (husband, teacher and I) all praise him. This keeps him motivated to do better. For few days in the beginning, I tried to schedule meeting where I needed to present in the afternoon, after their class hours. this allows me to sit in the same room as them.
    4. For independent work that he is expected to complete between classes and submit, by end of day, I have an hour carved out in evening, to help him. If I am busy, I will ask husband/older son to help with his homework.
    5. On days he does not do his classwork or homework, I have forced him to stay up, as late as 11 pm. This has reinforced in his mind that he cannot get away with it. Once kids realize that they can get away with something, they will keep repeating it!!
    6. Both kids classes are done around 2 pm, and they binge watch TV from 2 - 5pm on most days. But I have stopped working about it. I have all parental controls on TV, iPad are super locked down (can be used only for school work). So at least I know that they are not watching anything inappropriate.
    7. at 5/6 pm after checking hw for 8 year old and completing 5 year work submission, I allow them to play games on iPad for 1 hour. I have said, this is strictly controlled by Dad, and only he knows the password. (the good cop, bad cop) My husband has no clue what the rules for earning this reward is, but is willing to go along.
    8. Some of my friends who are slammed with office work, have some neighborhood kids in middle school and high school, come by for 2 hours in the evening, to help with homework and engage with them.
    9. I also join my kids in one off online classes like drama, painting, social club (anything they enjoy), to keep it fun. Outschool is good for this.
    10. On days kids are not behaving, and I need to spend more time with them, I just order food from outside.

    Hope some of these suggestions help you. Good luck and hang in there. It shall pass soon..
     
  10. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Another suggestion - all the teachers in our class have office hours after class, for about an hour, to help 1:1 for kids who need additional help. ask your daughters teacher, if they can do this with her. we did this for about a week, with my 5 year old, and that completely changed his excitement for school. we also order small toys from amazon, and tell him that his teacher sent it, as a surprise for his good work. This trick might work on your daughter too. I would strongly suggest that she do her class in living room, with headphones on. If she won't agree with you, have her teacher tell her.
     

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