My mom's problem with my SIL

This is so true. When people get their son married, they usually look for a house keeper in Indian community. I am not blaming your mom or SIL. Both are working, both are stressed, why not take some outside help instead of your mom breaking her head about who does what.

 

ah shruti you are right mil can never be a mom
you know now i am staying with mom after dad passed away
we have maid to do basic house work and cooking by mom
rest of the things i do like getting groceries,veggies fruits,paying bills,etc
and my mom never complains if some veggie is bad she says how to pickup a good one next time even kitchen work if i want to share she says do it on your holidays ..
you know when i was with in laws i said them i will pay 3 k for a home maid so that she can take care of things if they dont want me to work and she said she cant let a maid enter house as long as she is alive

i feel bad because i am picturised as a bad lazy proud dil before my mils relatives
to talk the fact one day when my mils brother came i offered help to my mil when she said he is from village and i dono proper culture of giving food in order so i went and sat to eat directly and he asked me who is DIL in your home..my sister or you and my mil was quite :hide:

 

Absolutely true...b4 their sons get married all MIL's do household work...but as soon as they see their DIL the same household work becomes 2 much! People don't want a life partner for their sons...they need full time maids!

Which is why this system of living 2gether is such a messy affair...joint families ought to be abolished by law!

 

Abolished by law! :shock::bonk

Ladies, the OP's mother does not want her DIL to be a maid. She wants a little emotional contribution from her son and DIL.

Wouldn't any mother want it?

Do you have a brother? Wouldn't your mom want your brother and brother's wife to help and and contribute in running the family?

By working in your home, and cooking breakfast or doing some work, you become a "maid" ??? I cannot understand this :hide:

Were we maids in our FOO's home then?? Actually, the son and his wife are treating the OP's mother like a full time maiid.

To the OP,

Don't talk with your SIL, but atleast try to talk with your brother. Are you not on talking terms with him? Please explain it to him that his and your mother is working at her office and at her home as well. She needs a little bit of relaxation in her schedule. Talk to him about hiring a full time maid or someone who would come in at 8 Am and leave at 10 AM , come back around 6 PM and leave at 8 PM.

If your brother can see the suffering of your and his mother, he should be able to help her out. Just my suggestions!

Regards.

 

Lavi dont feel bad that you are labelled as a bad dil because even if dil's try to be best , still there will be some faults pointed by inlaws. Atleast you be happy now that you are living with your wonderful mom. My mom also used to never allow me to go to kitchen during weekdays as i used to come home tired from office. So that unconditional love, we can never get from mil's. You know before marriage , i had proudly told my parents that i will prove to be the best dil to my inlaws. But unfortunetely that is not the case.


And regarding the original posts, i would just say that you either tell your brother and sil to hire a full time maid or tell your mom to tell them to start looking for a house for them. Your sil getting up at 8 and your mother doing household chores and leaving by 7.45 is not fair. So if your sil is not quite efficient in doing household chores may be because of her hectic office schedule, then she and your brother have to pay for the maid.

 

I have a doubt.

Lot of us are pampered by our parents before marriage. But is it right to expect the same when we get married also? After all how many of us really treat our MILs as our mothers? I no way justify abuse from both ways either PILs or DIL/SNIL , but should not the SIL do more from her end here?

Are our mothers doing a wrong job by bringing us up like princes or princesses so we are really not exposed to house work in any way before marriage? Is it really such a good thing?

 

Yes.. i agree with this.. It also equally wrong to bring up a boy as "prince" in the house giving him special treatment.. Here in this thread i see not just a problem with SIL but also with brother.. 'Mom should have a problem with brother as much with SIL'..
You see, that guy (OPs brother), is sitting there watching his mom slogging and is also seeing his wife relaxing.. Why can't he take up atleast 1/3 rd of the responsibility in the house.. There are 3 people in the house, all of them working, then the responsibility should be shared equally.. Apart from the problem with SIL, there is bigger problem with the guy.. He has been fed, nutured and raised by his mother.. But still is OK with his wife buying only 2 eggs for 3 people.. And is also OK with his mom starving.. He cannot ignore it when he sees such treatment being meted out to his mother..
He can chip in and share everything equally..

 

However unfair it might sound, in Indian families it is still the wife who is the major contributor to house work. There are a few men who help wife equally but that is not the norm. Here OP's mother is from an older generation and her expectations are based on her upbringing and in line with what most MILs expect. And since I very well know how my MIL would react in the same situation, I would say her mother had been very generous. Theoritically it sounds good that her brother should also equally contribute, but in practice it is not so in many households. So ultimately it is the OP's mother who is the loser in this situation.

Apart from the work factor, what really bugs me is how they do not contribute even money wise .Are they not grown ups?

 

The person who can do something about this is your brother.Instead he chooses to watch or turn a blind eye towards what is happenning.I agree that Indian men are brought up in such a way that they do not do full fledged cooking.

• Can't he buy groceries or ask your mom whether groceries need to be bought?
• When you SIL buys 2 eggs for 3 people, he could have said we are three here.
• When she sent back the gas, he could have asked his wife why she did that way.
• He could have atleast asked if your mother needs something to eat.

The OPs mom is expecting some least things from the DIL which she is not getting from her.Agreed we are all brought up like princess at home,but our parents never taught us to watch when somebody is slogging or to be selfish isn't it?
Also , it is not the right thing to do when somebody is doing all work at home and we sit and enjoy even if they have done all that single handedly earlier.Also, things are not the same before and after marriage.Marriage comes as a package with responsibilities included.

And they do not contribute moneywise too.Your SIL and brother are equally bad.Why is your mother not speaking to your brother?

Sorry to say this,but your brother and SIL are using your mother as care taker of the house.They do not treat her as a MOTHER or MIL.

Your mother should speak about this to your brother and SIL.Also , you can speak to your brother about this.Your mom should to come out of this house to keep up her self esteem.

 

Hi
My heartfelt feelings for your mom.But i would suggest the below

1.Your mother should list down the problems (1.Work Sharing,2.Money Sharing) and ask for your brother and his wife sit for a important discussion on it.
If feasible she can call some relative who can think and talk neutrally to both side.

2.Only based on the outcome of talk she should decide further on what to do.
Moving out is definitely not a solution.We know in India it is still difficult for a old lady to stay alone though she has money with her.

Son might not even know the intricacies of these things..he might have been given some lame excuses by his wife.So all 3 sitting and talking should work out.
This even might be one of the tactics for the dil to push her MIL out.DIL dumping all the work on MIL sometimes is to make MIL feeling she will have some rest atleast if she is alone and forcing mil to consider option of moving out which is bad..Why should we easily give a chance to her to succeed?

Ofcourse i am DIL stage but i feel there should be give and take both sides..

Some suggestions
1.Have a money box and ask the son to put a months expense money on it every month begginning.Whoever wants to spend can write a note and spend on the expense
2.Keep a maid for cook and if she does not turnover just have the takeaway options in hand.I know we might think health migt spoil.But why to take the physical pressure of cooking and mental pressure of nobody to help)