My mom's problem with my SIL

I think instead of moving out, first your mother should take baby steps in making them responsible.

Initially your mother can just give the list of groceries to your brother every month and list of vegetables every weekend and ask him to get them. It will take sometime for him to make it a habit but dont leave him till he gets used to it. No need to make a drama just telling him casually is enough . She can ask your SIL to cut veggies on weekends and also give her some work regularly like making dosa batter,idli batter etc. Once they start doing things on a regular basis , they will start understanding how difficult it must be for her to do alone daily.

And she can go to some temple or relative's house on some days instead of always staying at home doing work.

When they went out and your SIL said that they better eat homemade food, your mother should have told them openly that she is tired so better to eat outside. The problem is people of our mother's generation sometimes cannot let go of their responsibilites easily.

Or better have a maid and split the expenses. I still cannot understand like how they are feeding off on her totally like that. Some people here said what is wrong if SIL is doing that? But tell me, if it were our own mother slogging like that, would we still remain so indifferent?

 

Even I wonder why do inlaws select pregnancy as the time to start all confrontations or issue resolution :rant?
Is it becos the lady is at her weakest.
Her parents shall bow down to everything for the sake of child.
Now DIL wont run away becos she's got tied with another relation of child even if she sees the worst of people around her.

Sick are the people even if they were BEST at some time cos pregnancy is one phase where even the enemy treats you well but not inlaws.

 

at my home i am the only kid and my mom and dad never allowed me to share any work they used to do it i just used to go to office and come back eat sleep and go back to office..(i had odd shifts also )
and after marriage i went to my in laws house and on very 4th day of marriage i said my mil i know how to cook but i am not a great cook but can manage things and i also said her she can feel comfortable and thinkme like a daughter and ask anyhelp she need in kitchen...on 5th day when i got up and went to kitchen to prepare coffee she said my fil and husband have different tastes and i cant make it so she asked me to prepare only for me...even lunch she said she can do it quickly and asked me thats ok..since then same drama continued and i gave up..even things we get like fruits or veggies she neevr liked them and she used to say we spend more and said rather she can get them so that way she stopped us from doing any work and she complains all relatives that all that i do is go office come and sleep and she takes care of everything else
please check with your mom if she ever tried stopping your sil from doing any work?

 

SPAP,

If your mom doesn't want to live seperately, why can't she come live with you instead?

 

Lavii, yep thats the evil that they're not able to realise, they volunteer to do yet complain that we dont do, if we do, there's another complain on how and when we did... chicken and egg situation.

All the best dear.. you're also nearing 3rd trim :crazy..................
btw.. is this your childhood snap?

 

shilpama
wish i was that chubby yaar ,but i want my baby to be like that:thumbsup

 

Just wanted to add more.

In india lot of software companies do provide breakfast,coffee and lunch.
So typically most of the software people doesn't have to worry taking any food from home or they eat outside.

Please check with your mom do they have that kind of setup.
In that case your mom only need her food in the morning and it's may not be much repsonsable for your SIL.

I know lot of my friends until kids they used to wake up only after 11Am in the week endds and it's a common trend these days.

Coming to dinner,if they are staying themself,typically they would come and just have noodels.That's how it is these days.

Your mom migth used for her own way of doing so she expect all the traditional way cooking but it may not apply to your SIL.

Both wife and husband can come home and would just cook noodles and eat them for dinner.

I happen to see one female,if they have to eat food at 9PM then she would come just before 8.30pm into kitchecn and her husband would cut vegetables and she just out the whole vegetables in the coocker and make small curry and eat with rice.That's how there dinner was.

So your mom need to observer them first and see how they wanted to run the family and take care of there food.

Since she is staying with him she would expect DIL would take care of the house and food but there expectaitions might be different.Son would think,oh mom is there and she will take care of the house and DIL don't want to get clashes in the kitchecn so she may not entering the kitchen.

 

Spap,
If this pattern continues, things will take a bad turn after your mom retires.. The very thing of your SIL buying only 2 eggs is indicative enough how things could be after her retirement..
So better act now.. You are her daughter and you do have a responsibility of securing her life post retirement..
1. Firstly, you mom should stop spending on son and DIL.. Both of them work and let them spend.. They are no more your mom's responsibility..
2. I wanted to know, where did you grow up.. As in if you have a own house?.. If yes, then restructure it, so that a part of it can be rented.. This rent should be an alternate source of income for your mom post retirement..
3. I think your bro and SIl need to have their own independent home and your mom should live separately.. It can be same house in different floors or somewhere nearby..
4. Make sure that any of your dad's gratuity/insurance benefits go to your mom directly..


If your bro plans a baby, things will get even more difficult for your mom.. So better to move out now itself.. If there is any of your dad's property, then your mom can stay there..
Let them learn to handle their responsibility..

 

hi,
From ur sil's behavior i think it is pretty obvious that she in all probability does not want to live with her MIL! It is very difficult to say what the equation b/w both of them is but i also believe in the hindi saying that "tali hamesha do haathon se hi bajthi hai". Meaning if there is some sort of a clash then both parties r in some way responsible.

In ur case u r looking at the MIL's perspective. Maybe if u cud see ur SIL's perspective! Maybe she finds ur mom dominating and bossy in the kitchen which is why she does not involve herself.

So it is better that u don't interfere in their household. Just help ur mom whenever u r there.Take ur mom to ur place regularly & try to convince her to live separately. That will be better for all the parties concerned. As far as reponsibility is concerned ur bro and sil will learn with time. They r adults and u or anyone else cannot change them! u shud not even try.

 

I totally agree seeing lavi's posts. Some mil's dont open up with dil's as to what exactly they expect. They just keep quiet and later on complain that she did not do this or that. I would just say be clear with dil that you expect these these things instead of keeping quiet and later complaining. I am sure if their daughters would just go to office and eat and sleep they would not have told them a single thing instead would have told poor thing she is really tired. Anyways thats a different story that mil can never be mothers and same they say that dil 's can never be daughters.


Lavi seeing your post i remembered my mother 's days where she used to do so much for the family working and doing household things but in return no appreciation only complaints. But now after so many years she is retired and living a happy life. By the way All the best in your pregnancy journey.