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My mom's problem with my SIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by spap, Apr 15, 2010.

  1. spap

    spap Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    I am here seeking some advice for my mom's problem. My borther is married for 2 years now and my mom lives with him and SIL. My dad is no more. My mom is a working woman. She will be retiring pretty soon though.

    My SIL and my bro are software engineers.So, you know how their work schedule will be. the problem is both of them ( yes, my brother included) dont know how to manage home and work. well, thats my opinion. My SIL doesn't cook or do anything related to house. My mom has to manage everything from cooking,groceries, washing clothes, servant stuff. I don't know if they participate in the expenses but most of it mom handles it since she is earning. It is too overwhelming for her and it pains me a lot.All that my brother and SIL do is go to work, come home and sleep and very rarely do any household works. My mom has been very understanding of their work schedules and does whatever she can although she leaves to office before them. She thinks atleast on weekends they should do something and complains about it. My brother and SIL wake up very late on weekends (Not a problem with my mom) and expect my mom to cook and serve lunch,breakfast etc.,

    They had a cook during weekdays but now she is not there anymore and everything has to be handled by my mom.

    Whenever my mom tells about all these, I try to be unbiased and give some benefit of doubt to my SIL since I have been in the same profession and I know its very hectic with all the travel etc., but my mom's expectations are also not unreasonable. she just keeps mum even if she gets irritated and doesn't want to spoil the peace at home.

    OK, here are some of the incidents she told me . There may be much more but I don't know all of it.These are all petty things.

    1. My SIL doesn't like spending money. I understand thats her personality and cannot be changed. My mom , brother and SIL had gone to some temple. They were very thirsty and hungry after standing in the line for hours. My SIL didn't let my brother eat outside and hence my mom was also starving. She didn't even let my brother buy a water bottle!! She was hell bent on going home and having "home cooked" meal. They came home and my mother had to make the "home cooked" meal.

    2. My SIL ,if at all she buys, buys 2 eggs for 3 people. Result : my mom doesn't eat it.

    3. My SIL wakes up and leaves for office. If the office is at 9, she wakes up at 8 and leaves at 8.30. My mom leaves home at 7.45 but does all the cooking (breakfast and lunch before 7.45) and then leave. My mom tells me that I don't expect her to cook everything. She can just come and help me in things like making coffee atleast. My SIL wanted to do some pooja for "No moon day" as her mom is no more. All that she did was to tell we have to do it today and go back to bed. My mom ended up cooking and my brother doing the pooja.

    4. They had ordered gas cylinder and when they delivered it my SIL was at home. She didn't have 300 Rs with her, sent him back and tells my mom that she sent the guy back since she doesn't have money. My mom gets angry saying how can they run a family without having 300Rs at home. What if there is an emergency and she needs money. She says I don't want that money. why can't they keep it for themselves atleast.

    These are day to day things and it gets very suffocating for my mom. I have tried telling my mom to stop doing everything at home and make them take responsibility. I have asked her not to cook and feed them. Let them become more responsible and learn to handle everything on their own. But she never listens to me. My first advise was to move out and stay in two flats next to each other and let them handle it on their own. I don't think she even considers that. She doesn't want to be the reason for rift between husband and wife and hence tolerates everything. I really don't know what I should tell my mom other that whatever I have said.

    Please tell me your honest opinion on how my mom should handle this problem without creating any major fight/argument.


    Thanks
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Best thing to do is...ask your mom to move out to a near by house or apt and live by herself...Let her tell your brother and SIL that as a couple they both would get some private time and she would be nearer only so everyone can meet up and spend time together during weekends or in the evenings.

    Your bro and SIL are using your mom as a care taker of the house. IF your mom was stay at home story would have been different because she would have got something in her hand to pass her time. But your mom is also working, earning money and instead of saving up for her old age...she is spending evrything at home which is not even recognised by your bro and SIL.

    Let your mom move to a single bedroom apt nearby to her relatives like sisters or brothers or near by to your brothers current residence.

    Or if the house is on your mothers name...ask your mother to tell your bro to move out....give the reason that your bro and SIL need to grow up and your mom is growing old she cant do all work by herself.

    I would have thought of hiring a fulltime maid but as you said your SIL counts every penny she spends at home...so why your mother has to give away and spend all her hard earned money..what if down the line your SIL doenst let your brother take care of your mom or doesnt let him send any money to her.

    Better be safe than sorry...

    Tell your mom to give them 2 options..first either she moves out...or they move out...depending on whether the house is on her name / not.

    No need to get emotional about such things..tell your mom to hold on to her emotions as these days kids are very practical. once they get married and the moment they know they have full resources at hand...kids spoil the resources and use it to max. extent without realising how blessed they are....let them stay separately and realise your moms worth.

    Initially there will be big hue and cry...and accusations...but tell your mom to hang on tight. If she wants ask her to come to hsi forum and see how kids treat their moms after they are fully exploited. Time to open her eyes and save herself from this physical exhaustion. I understand its not just about money, but think if she is working and doing all the stuff at home and this is how she is being treated...guess how she would be treated if she sits at home with no earnings??? your SIL will start throwing tantrums.

    If atleast your mom lives separately, she can save for rainy day and also she will have less work to do and that way she wont get exhausted at her age.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2010
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Spap,
    Yes, this is a very difficult situation because Mom does not want to stay separately.
    My suggestions:
    • Have mom visit you for 3 months. That will make them run the house and mom did not move out.
    • Mom can sit your brother down and say this is a joint account and every month I am putting X% of my salary RS XXXX in it.The household expense is Rs YYYY. SO your brother needs to put the rest in. Its upto him if he asks his wife or not.
    Now the girl is immature but will eventually grow up so needs to give her chores like children.
    • On Saturday..I can only cook breakfast or lunch..Can U handle the other..
    • The grocery list is this..can you get them on weekend.
    Best would be..get her with you for sometime and let them learn.

    FL
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I will agree with SriVidya 100%.

    I beleive your mom hoping to change your SIL.That may be bad move for her.
    Some people won't change and I know some women who are penny pintchers irrespective of what they earn.
    If your mother continue stay there then imgine how would be her life after the retirement and after they have kids.She will be full time maid in the house.It would be better to escape before it.
    Your bother should able to hadle his house and his wife.If he was not handling well then it will an issue if your mother interfear.Let them learn responsabilities and your mother shoul remove herself slowly.
    First she may try to live somewhere else like in some relative or friends and then slowly she need to look herself some house or something without much issue.
    You mention that she is not listening for staying seperate.Then she would simply get up and go to office and get her lunch from outside.
    She may not used to eat food from outside that's why she is trying to cook food like in her days and she is expecting DIL to help.But these days the concept was not there coocking food in the early morning.
    So ask her to change her way of living.If they don't find another cook in meantine she would wait until they come and every body can cook together.

    I know she is old age women and hard to live herself like the DIL.But she need to think through becuase if she continue to live like this then problems will become bigger.
    If your brother wanted to bend for her let him be but why your mother had to bend.Can't she engage herself in some work.Does she come and ask your mother that why she didn't made the food.Then let her be and your mom can answer it back right.
    Why your mother trying to bend for her?
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2010
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Just one more thought....

    The bright side of your mom living by herself in a diff. apt is...she can invite her relatives whenever she wants...she doesnt have to take permissions from your bro or SIL. also she can talk to you without worrying what day/time it is...she can make a life for her own...making new friends...etc...

    Also pls prepare your mom to live independantly ...reason..after your SIL has kids it would be more difficult as your mom would used all these years and she will be thrown out when she reaches that age where she needs some help...so you have to prepare your mom to take care of herself first..as at her age no one would come forward totake care of her (see your bro himself is acting soo irresponsible) can we expect your SIL to take caree of your mom when your mom falls sick?? so slowly prepare your mom and ask her to see the truth

    Your mom might be thinking that if she says she will move out there will be a rift created etc...etc...but sadly that wont be the case..your SIL would jump with joy that there is no one around whom she has to worry about...that would be her first thought (might be slowly reality will strike in...but the immeidate reaction wouldnt be pls doont go..it would be ok..as you wish)

    I know one of my friend, this guys mom was separated and she raised 4 kids...2 girls and 2 boys...elder one got married and move out...younger one got married lived with his mom (as the house is hers) free of cost i.e no rent, no utilities etc..(but ofcourse he used to buy clothes etc for him and his wife iwth his own money) other than that nothing...the same younger one was very closer to his mom before he got married, but after he is married, he really had nothing to worry about...good thing was he had to move to US for work and there the reality struck...now he knows pretty well how his mom was helping him all the while (though his wife still keeps on complaining about the MIL)

    now both the daughters are takng care of their mom and the mom is living by herself. (hassle free) she is still working and managing her life. not answerable to anyone at this age of hers.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2010
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask your MIL to declare sick day for the week end and see how things go.

    This is from my experience.
    We 3 girsl used to live in house while I was working in india and just fresh out of the college that time.
    We 2 girls used to get up cook ,pack and go to office come back cook and eat dinner.
    One girl neer used to cook and used to say that she didn't know coocking and she used to help with some small things.
    Mornings she would get up late and slowly read the new paper and take 1 hour bath by the time the office time over and she was not even used to drink her mill.We 2 of us back of her giving her lunch box and milk.
    So used to feel that time she was innocent.
    But you know what she is not.
    After a year we came to know slowly her real nature.She knows very well cooking and she can take care of herself.I enroled some evening class and used to come home late and other girl also was doing something.That time she started making her food and eating and she wouldn't cook for us.
    So some people really know what they are doing and we don't have to worry how they will manage.
    Same thing with the money,even for her show repair she used to take the money from the common pool .If the moeny was over and if something needed for room she wouldn't buy.On the other hand we used to buy from our money even though money was not in pool or not.
    So let your mother learn about this.Because she will be her DIL for her life long and she need to learn how to deal with people.

    Ask her to call one day as sick day and don't worry about anything in the house.I hope she knows how to eat outside in the restaurent.
    She need to learn more independent herself than before.
    The more your mother would learn then it will be much easy to handle herself and others.

    THESE PROBLEMS ARE NOT JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR SIL AND YOUR BROTHER ALSO PART OF IT.

    Can't he put some money in the house?
    Can't he tell his mother not to cook food and they will take care of it?
    Can't he take his mother to restaurent or can't he buy some cool drinks if his mother ask for it?
    Can't he go outside get frocery for the house?
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2010
  7. anjalika400

    anjalika400 Junior IL'ite

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    Definitely you bro and sil are taking advantage of your mom. from the list of incidents you have given, it looks like you sil is a bit cheapo and selfish person.You listed down all the things she doesn't care to do , but how about your brother. How come it doesn't bother you that your own bro is not doing all those work to help out your mom?Had he been a bachelor and you mom would do every household work and cooking and cleaning for him, would you ever think about writing this post in the forum?
    my point is that you don't really sound unbiased as you claim.

    Now coming to point, I think the first wise move is to arrange a few months visit for you mom to your own house.Let them realize that they have gotta take responsibilities for their own work.If they complain about her taking a break, she should let them know life is too hectic for her at this age as she is managing everything single handedly and she needs a break now.see their reaction.(don't just expect your sil to change and be helpful because she really doesn't have any reason for emotional attachment or obligation to help, it should be your bro who is expected to change for his own mom).If he starts sharing work with you mom, it shouldn't be a problem because after all she got a helping hand as she needed.But deep down if the dissatisfaction is about sil not participating in household and blah blah, then you mom should move to a new small apartment or sell out the current one(if she owns this one) and move to a small one.She should tell them that she doesn't need a bigger one as it is difficult for her to manage and maintain now and also she wants to invest the rest of the money after moving to her cozy small apartment.
    But if I guess correctly, is you mom ready to live separately and not to be a part of their life? If the expectation is that they'll live under the same roof and sil will also help out, time has changed.It is better not to set any such expectation.
    thanks
     
  8. spap

    spap Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all for the replies.

     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    See your mom might have several thoughts and doubts and anxieties reason....she has not lived alone after your father expired...so now she might feel more depressed to stay away from family...she is making herself stretch too much just to live with her son who doesnt even care whats happening at home

    Infact your mom should say to the so called relatives/society that she is giving privacy to her DIL by moving out..that way DIL can setup and do whatever she wants to in her house ...and MIL is not trying to boss around....what else is a good answer for such doubts:)


    exactly this is what I expected them to do if your mom was not around...see they are still thinking that they are in some school or college and irresponsible...they have to start picking up responsibilities and act as adults...not like spoon fed babies...

    moreover if your mom keeps doing what she is doing currently and once when she is not needed anymore, she would get hurt, she would feel as if she had been used and thrown away...

    so tell her that she is saving herself from lot of heart burn in future...she is not helping your brother in any ways..because what would happen down the line when your mom is not around...the DIL wont cook and depend on frozen stuff for ever??? if she doesnt know how to cook or feed her kids who else would she depend on??? your moms love is actually spoiling them...not helping in anyways..

    I dont blame your SIL if she puts long face..because no wife likes it if inlaws tell anything to the husband..:crazyits not about the husband..its about the inlaws always...because such DILs wont like to be told what to do...

    so time to pick up things and slowly tell her to move out...
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2010
  10. spap

    spap Senior IL'ite

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    Well, I get your point. But I don't think most indian men are brought up that way. They help but they don't do full fledged cooking REGULARLY. In my opinion, we haven't reached that stage yet. So obviously my mom expects my SIL to help her with household chores since she is living in the same house. I don't find that unreasonable and it is not uncommon in joint family system.


    My SIL need not 'help' my mom. They have to become more responsible and take care of themselves. From when cooking for your husband , cleaning the house and doing household stuff became changing yourself? Both of them need to grow up and take responsibilities.

    I am not sure if my mom wants only my SIL to do household stuff. But she wants both of them to become more responsible. But she cannot tell them directly as it will be termed as "interfering in their lives".
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2010

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