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My Moms Predicament

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Winniethepooh, Dec 18, 2020.

  1. Winniethepooh

    Winniethepooh Senior IL'ite

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    Hello all,
    Pls help me..my mother is like living with my younger brother who returned from Singapore a year back. He has 2 kids. Usually my mom spends few months at my elder brothers house, then younger brother. Now being corona she is stuck at my younger brother house. Let me tell she goes through a difficult time. She has chronic diabetes and severe arthritis. My sil makes her cook everyday and makes her wash vessels when the maid does not come. She does not take care of her at all. If I ask her, she says your brother found my parents coming here a nuisance so why would I take care of your mom?( which is true).
    But can’t she have a little humanity. My mom also has never done anything to her.
    The least I expect is a respect for her age. She also asked a few times about when she is going to leave. My mom said when my other son calls me I will go. I advised my mom to leave as she needs to have some self respect.
    She never talks to her and neither her kids. She just serves 3 times food (2 times cooked by my mom).and coffee.
    My sil is telling me she too needs space and my brother has never told her she would be living with them once they return to India. She says if it’s for 2 or 3 months it’s fine but can’t spend all her time here.
    I can see my mom go through this.
    As my in-laws are with me, I can’t have her too. Pls tell how to handle..
    Thanks
     
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  2. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    What is your brother doing ? He should be more responsible and have humanity towards his mom too.I think instead of bringing SlL in to this ,you all siblings should discuss together and find a comfortable solution for your mom.DIL is not daughter and if she has diff of oponion with MIL,these things show up.
     
    KashmirFlower, shravs3 and umaakumar like this.
  3. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    If your brother is caring for your mom and if maid is also there then they should manage..and not let your mother work. They can hire a full time maid ic your brother is convinced..It seems your brother doesnt have much say in his family but you said that youd brother told his wife that hervparents can not come to his house..Tell ur brother to have an open conversation with his wife and make her realize that she should respect your mom..its basically relation ship dynamics that needs to b established..And dont think u cannot call ur mother ..u can call her for 2-3 days for a change to ur place sometimes.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    This is almost lost in the litany of complaints about your SIL.
    No. If we witness our parents or children treated as a nuisance then humanity and compassion kind of things go out the window.

    Unfortunately, looks like your brother has done enough. Maybe his attitude completely spoiled her parents' stay.

    Going by the below, she seems to be playing fair enough:
    If your brother had treated her parents well, your SIL might have been understanding about Covid making it necessary for your mother to overstay.

    Depends on your brother. Can he initiate a calm conversation with your SIL and acknowledge the pain he caused her? Can he offer a heartfelt apology? Can he do this without pointing any fingers at her, without bringing up any of her faults? How much does it matter to him that his mother is being ill-treated? Does it bother him as much as it seems to hurt you? Would he call up his in-laws and say something to lessen what they went through?
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2020
    shravs3, lavani and drdiva like this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Agree with @Rihana

    First of all its the duty of kids to take care their parents. The role of sil or bil is just to support it, in my opinion.

    Your SIL is managing home, her kids and serving food to your mom. What else she want? Her son is there to entertain her or taking caring of her. Why can't he do that?

    What's wrong in helping your SIL to cook or clean when staying there for months. She is not a guest anymore. If she has any difficulty doing any particular job, she can convey that. Why can't she do that. But its important to contribute as long as she is not bedridden. If your brother dont like it, hire a help.

    Look like your SIL is taking care of your mother reasonably well even when your brother refused to take care of her own parents. Also there is no mention of fights or any other serious issue. Your mother can interact with her grand kids, who is stopping her.

    OP, I understand your concern but you should talk to you brother than your SIL to sort it out. Blaming your SIL won't help you or your mom in anyway.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2020
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Do you know what she says when she asks your mom to do this?

    Why not have your mom tell your bother directly about not wanting to cook daily? It’s a reasonable ask. Maybe he can pitch in. With your SIL taking care of kids, maybe he should help with the cooking/dishes etc.

    For some reason, whatever the issues between the couple, I can’t digest making the old mom do chores despite the fact that she clearly doesn’t want to. It doesn’t seem right at all.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2020
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  7. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    I feel like this is between your mother, brother and sis-in-law to sort out and communicate openly. If they are unable to do so or incapable, blaming of sis-in-law id only going to make matters worse. Your mom should be upfront about the work load and your brother should be accommodating toward your sis-in-law's parents.
     
  8. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Your SIL would have expected the same when her parents stayed with them..

    Why is respect applicable only to boys parents, why not girls parents ?
    Even they are aged why create a nuisance and then expect the partner to take care of his parents.

    Honestly I don’t find fault with your SIL but definitely problem with your brother.
     
  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    what is your BRO doing. why do you want to make a messy affair .

    lets break the issue.

    dishes. - ok mum has arthritis . BRO can do the dishes, there should not be any shame , he is doing for his own mom

    cooking -

    gravy stuff and veggie - Ask your brother to cut the vegetables. mum can cook.
    chapati based cooking - brother can make. if Wife is not doing anything. Brother can make the dough , brother can ask wife to make chapati.

    also you said, he has maid , that means she comes couple of days in the week. that means, the work load is just for few days.

    i live in US. i and my family is handling double with no help and you have issues with help. Sorry if you feel this is a rude comment.

    mixing emotional statement and actual issue can sometimes divert the solution.

    STAY out of SIL. it will only spoil your relationship and peace. You want to talk or scold, anyone. Scold your brother and your mum can do the same.
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    How old is the mom though? It’s one thing to force a 75+ lady into doing daily chores. If the MIL is younger and in good health then I think there is nothing wrong in pitching in. Especially during this Covid time when it’s hard and risky find outside help.
     

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