My mom's insecurity

Rihana

We have 2 maids, one for cooking and the other for taking care of the kids. They would also cover each other when one attends her nature calls, bathing or eating. However, kids will always roam with my mom as she loves them a lot. They would want her to change their dress, feed food, put them to sleep and tell stories. So ultimately she will end up spending all her time with them only. This is something we find is hard to change although we want to change because of her health condition at this age. They will only (sadly too) leave her whenever she is extremely tired or exhausted, so goes to bed. But again, she comes back quickly for the kids.

I know that I need a lot of patience. I felt overwhelmed as sometimes with office tension and kid's problems I feel my mom's insecurity adds more tension to me. But now I realized that I should not think like that, but give her some room to vent or rely on me - no matter what, because I owe to her so much. Thanks!

 

Even at times I felt the same. At times my mom goes moody and keeps a long face whenever I disclose the fact that I had a great day with my H (Movie or any parties together). She would say, "Oh... Do you know how hard it was to stay with your kids this night", and then upon my arrival she won't even eat her dinner saying she could not eat them when she was really hungry as kids' were troubling.. now its too late or something. (Indirect meaning, my night out with my H was the reason for her to starve). However, she would happily take care of my kids even for consecutive 2-3 days with the absence of maids, without any complaint (though it was not easy) if I were to go out for something else/someone else or alone. So, lately I understood her problem is not my going out, but my husband.

So lately, I tried to tag both my kids for wherever I go with H. This again made me feel inferior as if she is not needed in my life.

Recently there have been an accusation against my husband by some distance cousin. She said my husband had once bad mouthed about my mom as a "home-breaker". This matter went viral among all of us relatives and it has infuriated mom a lot. My husband repeatedly rejected this accusation, and I accepted him because I know he won't do that. He never did something like that in the past. Also, I can't trust that cousin as her character and behavior is not that good. So, eventually I made her open up and prove this. Finally she opened up and told everyone that it was not my husband, but someone else and the story went on and on.. She apologized to my H.

But every now and then, my mom brings this matter up and tells me as if my H had already bad mouthed about her, so he would do anything against her... Even after having proved this long back, she says you may have pleaded to that cousin to give a diff testimony... What can I do?

She thinks as if I am enjoying with my mom's enemy without feeling any guilt as I am so selfish. She at times feels her selfless attempts to help me (a selfish) is utter waste of time/energy as I could even chase her if my husband wants to do that.

I think my mom seriously needs some counselling, self assurance if appropriate. Not sure how possible is that.
Even in this forum, many people have tried to name me as selfish when I slightly put this matter as if my mom is insecure. But I can feel that... I just need my cheerful mom back.. I need my life without any issues. As someone said, my mom is now part of my family. I should deal with her issues in a more technical and practical way than being emotional and foolish. Thanks for thinking alike with me. Please now suggest what can I do?

Any techniques to open up this matter? How?

 

My mom never says things like MIL has done something innapropriate, but she fears MIL would give all the freedom to my kids within her 1-2 hr baby siting, but kids will demand the same 24/7, and that will affect her routine parenting/disciplining. So she fusses as if she can't help with kids if MIL comes along.
I asked her to tell the same to MIL in a decent way, or interupt when she allows kids to do risky things. But mom says, kids will not listen to her when MIL is around, as they want fun and they won't understand the risk behind. It just insult my mom in front of MIL. But when something goes wrong, she needs to suffer with kids all the time.

My brother and sister and their spouses also play with kids and forget about the disciplining thing. But my mom is okay with them it seems.

 

My elder one is 3+ and he is already in his play school. Younger one is just 1+, so can't go anywhere.

I have already told her firmly that it is not accepted to bad mouth about the kid's dad in front of them. It hurts them specially the elder one is very clever enough to understand everything. So, my mom stopped that in front of kids.. But kids go to bed early, and there are plenty of time where I end up being with mom alone.
Maids speak a diff language, so they don't exactly get what we argue.

As for MIL, I am afraid to say anything in defense of her (though my intention is to stop my mom from her imagination), as she would immediately take it otherwise. Like I am in favor of my bad MIL and ignoring mom... Only I know how it will eventually lead to a drama at home. I have no courage to face anything more.
Also, I feel my kids should also learn eventually as to how bad and evil their paternal grandma to their mom. Just because MIL paints an angel face now, it doesn't make her an angel... Also she doesn't deserve any love from our family now.

All I can see is that my mom is insecure, that too extremely. Her ailing health, stress, and too much of work because of kids make it worse. She also finds it hard to mingle with her enemies. That too when she is forcefully pulled out from her native to live here (in laws area). I understand, but I need a simple solution to this problem so I can work on...
I can't hurt or be blunt with my mom for anyone... Because I write only what is bothering me.. There are so much that I never write about my mom here. She has been an angel to me always (except this childish or whatever behavior at times). I just want to get this out of my chest, so that I can face this new issue with hope.