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My mom's insecurity

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Sep 30, 2014.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dearies...

    As you all know my mom was standing beside me whenever I was down and upset with my marital problems in the past. If not her, I would have succumbed to death, as I had no other courage to face the storm then. She is still with me, as a baby-sitter to my kids. Her helps in my life is invaluable, as not everyone gets such a strong support from parents. I feel like I have won my marital life, regained the control over my finances, and succeeded in my career only because of my mom. I couldn't have think of other choices if she wasn't ready to extend her stay with me then. I also know that my mom has favored me over her other children (my siblings) only because I had marital problems then. So, I am always thankful to her.

    However, currently with the grace of God, I lead a peaceful life. I somehow learned to fix my in -laws problems (I did not give up, confronted with them directly, and let my H understand that I won't take this crap any further). My H is also very cooperative. I think for about 1 year or so, we are leading a 'trouble - free" life. So, we could focus on celebrations, remembering the important days of life, giving gifts, and going on outings. I really feel blessed, and I think I deserve all these enjoyment because I had sailed in a very rough sea in the past.

    Nevertheless, lately I understood that my mom is depressed about all the happenings around me. Like you all, I too raised my eye-brows at the beginning, because my mom always wanted to see me this way. She extended her support above her level best only to let me live like this. But why should she be so worried and depressed when I am finally there?

    Her reasoning was, I may be trapped again.. I am going careless as before and letting my in laws walk all over me once again so she is worried.
    To this, she always make it a point to give a long lecture as to how my past days were, how foolish I was before, and how my other friends were tactful.
    Above all, she would always find some fault in my in laws (even if that was a tiny casual thing) and try to ensure that they have not at all changed. I sometimes feel she is highly biased, as she always stand on the other person's shoe if there were similar issues with others. But when it comes to in-laws, she pressurize me to see them negatively. This will only make me re-live my past, and bring trouble in accepting them.

    Secondly, she has this fear of bring thrown away. She thinks that she had already left her home for me. Ignored the offer to stay with my brother. Never assisted my sister during her pregnancy and delivery times. It all happened because she was with me in my place then. My siblings wholeheartedly understood the need, and accepted my mom's decisions.
    However, my mom feels like she can not expect anything from my siblings (emotional or financial) as she never helped them when needed.
    At the same time, my in laws recent attachment with us might bring trouble for her prolong stay with me. If so, she fears as to where to go? I know, unreasonable fear she has, but she constantly worried about my in-laws. She is in secured. Therefore tries her best to prove me that my in laws' recent change is highly doubtful. They might change the mind of my kids, they might encroach in to our house, and throw her away, they might influence in our decision, they might do evil things to kids and all. Everytime, she has an example or incident (however tiny one that may be) to point me out.

    Slowly but with time, my mom has developed this insecurity problem; thus depression. I can understand this very well now.
    She is old, around 67 years. Also she is highly sensitive. She had never faced a family problem in her life. Always lived like a queen, and was wanted by others. So, it is not easy to make her understand things in a broader way.

    She is the one who is with my kids all the time. Me and my H are out of home from 7am-7pm. She has a helper around.
    She would call me with an irritable voice in the mornings while I was still driving only to tell that my MIL had taken my little one, and still playing so she can not feed her. Come on... What can I do?
    Or she would tell as to how my kids are taught bad habits (like playing with sands and all) and she finally struggles to bathe them on time. Or she would tell me, how my kids are entertained with my MIL, so they don't obey her commands.
    She is like competing with my MIL on everything, and showing her failure (or whatever is that) on me and eventually on my kids. YES.. She shows long face and depressed mood to my kids as well.
    I feel extremely bad, as my kids love her a lot, she is the only source of happiness for them when I am not around. How bad if she shows anger or moodiness on them?

    She further complains as if how tiresome it is to baby-sit all the time, that too for a long time. But MIL would just spend a 15 mins every now and then to play and eventually show as if she had equally baby-sit'ed with her. She fears as if I would extend the same love and respect for MIL for the same reason that she cares my kids as well.

    Everytime, she tells me that my H is on his parents' side (may be) and he is only acting with me, so that he can enjoy my money. She competes with my H for the living-room TV, and if he changes one channel even during breaks, she would go to her shells back with long face.

    Similarly, she would emotionally threaten me as if she can't handle the kids anymore. She prefers going back to my brother where she will be much respected. She always congratulate my cousin who managed to throw out her own in laws after a fight, and tells me I am yet to be strong like her.

    I know my mom was wrong. But I can't simply throw her out or hurt her because of her past unexplained and invaluable support to me. Even my husband understands all that, and accommodate her foolishness because of that.

    I know my MIL has changed, but I am yet to fully trust her. I dont love her, she she does not love me either. Just that we are in talking terms. I can't expect her to care for my kids, even if she is willing, I can't peacefully allow that to happen. Perhaps, MIL would come back to her own nature once she realizes that we are after her. It may aggravate my problems with her again.

    Also, I dont want to be side-lined by everyone else if my mom says that she is unhappy with me. Because everyone around me knows that I should owe to my mom because of her favors for me. If I did not do that, they would label me as a selfish.

    I am totally confused, and not sure how to react...

    I may be typed all the wrongs of my mom here, because I am here to discuss them only. It doesn't mean my mom is anyway a wrong person. If I am to weight her, these matters are very tiny, as she had done sooooo much to me since childhood.

    I am venting here, sorry for the long vent. But your opinions and suggestions to improve my life will be appreciated. Thanks.

    Felt somewhat relieved for now!!!
     
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  2. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    I want to post a quick reply. First of all, you are feeling overwhelmed with so many things on your plate. And like all bad phases, this too shall pass :)
    It is very very hard for your mom to do what she doing: to be in her daughter's house with second set of grandparents around. It must be really disrupting her routine that she has for your children. And of course some insecurity too.
    My husband travel and I feel he is in my way (sometimes) when he is home with respect to schedule.
    Now with respect to schedule, you can say that: kids love routine, it is best for child development to stick to a routine etc and plan one (as per your mom) and put it on fridge. Include ample play time with ILs when it is nap/ tv time for your mom. Your mom is the primary caregiver for your children and slowly it should be spread. But your situation is very dicey so be careful. At the same time, if you want to work and be worry free, you will need your mom around. My mom supports me, loves me will do anything for me, except for: raising children and other domestic work. You have it so good so try not loosing it wrt to your mom :)
     
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    Take a broader view of as you detailed here instead of succumbing to petty situation and showing your annoyance. Your mom is feeling unappreciated. She has done so much for you, have you done anything for her lately? Take time to buy her some nice gifts, take her out or send her on a trip and through your words show appreciation. It can be tiring for a 67 year old woman even with helper to take care of small kids. Send her on a short vacation. Give her a complete break from the house routine from time to time.

    Randomly say things like -- 'I dont know what I would do without you. I love you, Ma.' If she complains about this or that, tell her I know you will handle it correctly. Express your confidence in her ability to handle the petty situation on her own and repeat you dont know what you would do without her. If she repeats the past and fears the recurrence, tell her 'yes all that happened but you were beside me and with your help I came out of it. As long as you are with me, I know you will make sure I never get trapped again. '
     
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  4. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    I almost -almost faced a similar issue with my parents and in-laws.
    My mom has been a pillar of support for me in ALL situations. My relationship with her has had its HUGE ups and downs, but till today I reiterate to myself that I am alive ONLY because my mom stood by me like a rock solid support.
    My dad and mom are old and when we took a transfer from chennai to my hometown, I was pretty sure that life was going to be roses - Living with my mom and dad, in-laws just 2 hours away. I had my DD who was 2 years old then - so I knew mom would take care of her while I work.All hunky dory. But hell broke loose , mailnly beacuse my H and my parents never got along. Dad and mom are strict in their routine, egoistic and are very very unaccomodating to people OUTSIDE their comfort zone. Clashes with H , power tussle with in-laws, their constant criticism and a lot of fights and crying and chest beating, ultimately we moved out - to a place 5 mins away from them. things between H and parents got so sore that they would not talk to each other. I stopped being the rope in a tug of war and told them separately that if they have problems, they can sort out among themselves.I was happy, slowly things returned to normal-until I was pregnant again.
    Let me tell you, i understood the TRUE colors of EVERYONE during their time.

    My H just dumped me at my parents place and didnt bother about me. Would come in the night peep in and run away when I was down and dehydrated with severe vomitting.
    My in-laws never called or came even when i was hospitalised for 5 days and vomitted blood.
    My Father kept nitpicking on my faults and my past and made my life hell.
    My sister fought with me big time and called me an opportunist for treating my mom like a maid.
    All along, only my mom would sit beside me hold my head in her arms and say 'let go..you have a life in you..think about it..forget these people..' She took care of me day and night. i had thoughts of suicide, i wanted to kill myself. It was my mom who stood by me.
    Once the kid came, everyone came running back - everyone wanted 'ownership' of the child - but when there was a real problem, everyone including my H would vanish and leave me alone. Mom would always be there.
    When things returned to normal - my Mom would feel irritated whenever H and MIL would come visit. She would resent me spending time with them.She would criticise them in a subtle manner. I just ignored it initially. But one day my mom burst out saying 'I dont want to see you in that situation ever again..I hate them'. I had a talk with her. I told her all what I wrote right now.
    I started calling her from office and checking on her. I kept telling her how great it is for my career that she is looking after my kids. I pamper her with gifts. Even now, after we moved to the US, I call her daily and make it a point that I assure her that I do remember the past, but I dont want it to affect my present. She gets it,luckily and her complaints have reduced a lot. She still doenst like my H or PILs. But I think she expresses it way lesser nowadays.
    I think talking to her and telling her how you feel is of prime importance. it may feel silly to you at first, but thats what helped me.
     
  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Perhaps she is scared things will fall apart once again. She still needs healing

    This is totally rational. You are only a daughter-in-law, their son is their flesh in blood. Your mom has seen more of the world than you.


    A leopard never changes its spots. I'll give an example. When I was first hired at my job, the management didn't like me. They were resentful of my education, and I was naive in my behaviors. Soon I thought let me do the best job possible and be THEIR boss. Negative things started happening in their lives, so today, they are civil with me, but I know at any moment, one slip it can revert back the same way. This is human nature


    I read somewhere on IL that giving birth to a daughter is like giving birth to your best friend. A true Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mummy will always have her daughter as her best friend, while a son will belong to another woman.

    I can guess that certain situations show a person's true colors, and your Mom has seen your Inlaws true colors.


    A tiny spark can start a forest fire...

    And she also wants YOU to live like a Queen. This is natural.

    Ok, this I don't know what advice to give, I cannot relate.


    There is some truth to that statement. Even a H who treats you like a Queen from the start. Why do people get attracted to each other? Financial security is ONE of the aspects.


    InLaws need to understand their limits. Sure, they gave birth to a son, and his wife is only their daughter-in-law, but daughter-in-law is also a human being.

    Ok, it seems your Husband at least has a brain, common sense

    She only changed her behavior towards you.

    Naturally you love your Husband, and that's why you are getting defensive about your Mom. But when push comes to shove, your Mom will be there for you. Husband is always replaceable, Mom is not.
     
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  6. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    67 years old with 12 hour a day job (with or without a helper) 6-7 days a week. And you wonder why she is fried out????
     
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  7. ladki1

    ladki1 Silver IL'ite

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    whenever u need mom ...she was always with u... at that time also she may have given u so many advices or any negative advices at that time ..u may have taken it so lightly....but now for u everythining is ok....u are feeling that u r mom is now showing some insecurity about her life who is already 67..... great thinking...sorry for roughness....why don't u show some extra love towards ur mom...Action speaks more loudier than words....I love my mom a lot..i am facing some roughness in my life where my mom is standing besides me....I cant imagine I can think about my mom like this insecurity after wards....sorry if u feel bad...
     
  8. god2014

    god2014 Gold IL'ite

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    Your mom deserves a much needed break at this age to make her come out this depression and feeling of insecurity. Your mom is your pillar of strength, now she needs your support to mend few things and change her course of life. I think the issue of herself comparing or competing with inlaws or H or telling that they have not changed is all bcoz of the old age when she needs the rest.

    Now she is like your kid, consider your inlaws as her cousins, your kid (your mom) wants the shower of love from you to be bestowed only on her and if you praise or tell her cousins(inlaws) she feels hurt and the past crops up and make her spell poisonous words out of over dose of love on you.

    As you have mentioned you got more love and support from her to solve the marital issues, now its time to show it in a different way. I would suggest you talk to your sibilings so that a place change for a time being would bring the change and she would get back to her normalcy and understand that she is above all in your heart and she must not feel inferior or depressed seeing inlaws love for the kids.

    Make your brother or sister invite your mom for few days, meanwhile make an arrangement for the kids. Let her take rest by shifting base for some days then come back. Her insecurity is not the in laws or you trusting them, its her accommodation, her place of stay. If you are her only source she feels that she must adjust and be with you, if you create an option then she would think relieved and feel that her other son or daughters would take care her for sometime. I feel she is wanting to stay with other kids for some time in her life may be for a change.
     
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  9. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    For a mother, when she marries off her daughter, she wants her angel to get the best of everything in the world. This is what your mother, my mother and every mother feels like in the world. I had many tough times in my life with my in-laws but at that time, I had only my mother standing beside me as my pillar of strength. Though we do have our share of differences, my mother has always been there for me in times of need.
    Your mother has always given you the best and want you to have the same in future too. Do you think it is only you who was deeply pained by the turbulence in your married life?? No..ur mother too suffered. This might have left a deep wound in her heart which is yet not healed. She only prays and expects such unpleasant incidents dont start again in your life. For that she wants you to be a bit careful. She wants that you be vigilant abt your in-laws who were troublemakers in your life at one point. She doesn't want you to get carried away by the present good times and get again into some issues. She is a bit insecure but that insecurity is nothing but love. So keeping in mind her age and all tat she has been through for you, I suggest you talk to her and let her know that you are very thankful to her and that you love her dearly. Assure her that you will always be there for her in the same way as she has been there for you. Just instill some confidence in her and help her get through her insecurity...
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2014
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone for coming in to see my problem and giving your best of opinions.

    Many of you just re assured what I was thinking. Yes, my mom needs some break. She must have been overwhelmed. Also, I must consider the fact that her wounds' are yet to be healed.

    In know, she suffered a lot more than me when I was facing serious marital problems. She too had to face social issues, as she is a bit conservative.

    She is still insecure about the entire set-up, and thinks my present life (not that my love life with H, but my current stable financial situation, happiness, career and kids) will be taken back in no time if I go back to my careless mode once again. I clearly understand this. But come-on.. I am not a kid.. I know a leopard can never change its spots. I know my in laws can never be good to me. But I just let it as it is, because I've learned to handle a leopard by now. Who cares whether he changes its spot or not... I know I can handle him no matter what. This confidence only brought this happiness in me.
    I've stopped worrying about my past. It did not give me anything to cherish about, rather it only aggravate my health problems (acidity and rise in BP). Why dwell in the past?

    At the same time, I just simply can't throw my in laws away from my home (that is their son's home too). Even though, I repeatedly assured my mom that I won't give them one more chance if they were to return back to their original/normal mode once again with me. Yes, I've told the same to my H and all. I won't take their crap anymore.
    But they are changed now. May be pretending, but for about an year or so.. there have been no issues between us. All what they do is to help, visit, play and silently leave the place only.
    My mom has told me several times that my MIL has actually changed, as she never condemn or criticize but being so civil now.

    My mom should also know that I dont love in laws. I can;t love them anymore. But accepting them or tolerating them is a natural effect as I love my husband. I can't keep the grudge with my own husband all the time and lose him eventually just because he was wronged in the past. That is not something called love.

    I love him, I have 2 kids with him., He has changed a lot, and it is very visible in his life now. Me and my kids need him. I just don't want to replace or lose him just because my mom is insecure about my or her future. That's why I do my best to clear her insecurity and let her live a very peaceful retired life with me in our place.

    I just want to make my mom believe me, that I will never ever follow/obey my in laws (even if that is a prerequisite from my H for a happy marriage) if that is demeaning to her in anyways. Rather, I will always try my best to give her the best in my home. Not because she is my mom, but because she is the one who gave me this second life. I have already and clearly informed this to my H, and he too is an agreement with me.

    I have told her this openly, subtly and through actions on various times. But for my bad luck except my mom everyone else got the message loud and clear.

    As you all suggested, I have given her a couple of opportunities to go on pilgrimage trips (i have accompanied her once or twice), visit to her siblings' place, etc..etc.. During all that time, I have taken long leaves and stayed with my kids.
    She is hell against sending kids to day care or leaving with nanny. Moreover, she can't live without my son for a long time, so eventually she would shorten her trips and come back.

    I have even asked her to spend the weekend at my brother's house as it means a complete rest for her (they are yet to have kids). But she would go there on Saturdays, and come back on the same evening by saying that it was too boring for her.

    Even I am ready to take a year long career break and sort things out if needed. My career allows that. But when proposed, she only encouraged me to focus on this new project.

    I would just like to clarify you all respondents...

    I am not an opportunist... I don't take my mom for granted. I don't mingle with my in laws as they do good for me now. I can't replace my MIL for my mom.

    I need my mom... I can't leave my kids with anyone than my mom and lead a peaceful career. My mom is a great support for me. Specially with this in laws, I feel I am protected whenever my mom is around. Else, they would jump here in the name of help and eventually do all the harms to us. Even my H prefers my mom;s stay over his mom.
     

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