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My marriage problems - looking for solution

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hubby, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am pretty sure India has laws against physical abuse, but how well do they enforce it is the question. Because I read about this too often here and wonder if there are no laws against it or if it is enforced at all. I think someone in another thread alleged repeated physical abuse by husband and I said to call the police and there were others who said not to do that and just keep quiet and deal with it patiently. I was in total loss for words. If someone repeatedly abused me physically, I can assure you he will be missing a few anatomical features and lets just say, it will be the bits that he will really miss :rotfl
     
  2. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    @Malavika, I tell you something. India has all the laws in place. It is just that we don't use it to our benefit. Walking into a Police Station and coming out is not a norm or the system of an emergency exists without knowing its existence. We must learn to stand-up for our rights. Every police station in India has a women's cell. The women cops are expected to save ladies from DV. That's their job! If a man is nailed in 498 A and is arrested, I'm told he cannot get a bail immediately. In 498 A it is not only the man, the inlaws in general can be arrested.

    If you tweak the net, you will find several stories of how men are tortured by the misuse of this law. The cops need not complete the investigation, a simple complaint under this section is enough to send the husband his floks inside. There's a documentary on how this law is misused against the inlaws.

    (I am sharing this information only to explain the law in India and I am not advocating someone must make use of this).

    By just reading one post, it is very clear about the mental framework of the OP. To put it plainly from a legal perspective he has raped his wife. I did not want to say this in my earlier post and I deleted it.

    Without the consensus of the lady if a man forces himself it is raping; and this is a serious offense. The Indian law has a provision for this; and a provision for every damn thing under the sky but we don't use many of the clauses.
     
  3. sudhara

    sudhara New IL'ite

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    I second asuitablegirl's views. tHERE IS ONE PROBLEM AND THE PROBLEM IS U. You gotta go for counselling. Realise onething that beating or taking your anger on someone doesnot end any problem. No problem can go unresolved when you sit and talk over the issue. Do find time to sit and discuss with your wife. First apologize for what you have done. She will turn down your proposal a couple oF times but perseverence is what will earn you back your almost lost life. You have lost it. Now, you will be blessed if your wife pardons you and accepts you. But being a father-to-be at least for the sake of the unborn you have to take the heat. now the ball is in your wife's court. As she underwent all nonsense from your side now its' your turn to accept even if her behaviour irritates you. This is one of the many such incidents where she would have fumed over your behaviour. so there is nothing wrong if you are turned down for a first couple of times. after all, she is also human and let her bring out her anger. but don't accuse each other. past is past. focus on building up a good and pleasant future (atleast for the sake of the unborn).
    ALL THE VERY BEST.
    SUDHARA
    hope to see you unite with your family ASAP.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2010
  4. hubby

    hubby New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    It’s me again.

    I appreciate your suggestions and advices. But one thing I want to make you clear that I have not raped my wife. As I didn’t want to have sex without her interest I waited for a long time. Unfortunately/fortunately she got conceived in our first and last attempt itself. As I said the pregnancy was an accident. Moreover my wife is almost 27 now and I think it’s not too early to have a baby.

    As I have realized my mistakes and I have apologized to my wife. I have also had a detailed discussion with her about the future of our married life and our kid. With respect to that I have planned to attend anger management course/counselling after I come to India.

    Apart from that I have also planned to get rid of people who repeatedly talking about my old mistakes.
     
  5. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Hubby, Just my two cents here:

    1. If your wife is willing to pardon you and work with you, both of you must isolate yourseleves from all of your family members. Including your family.
    2. You must cut-off from both the sides for a period of 6 months. In these six months if your problems still persist, the problem is not because of others but lies elsewhere and in the current situation it is you.
    3. You must give her space and so should she
    4. You must think out-of-the-box and thinking differently about issues will not harm.
    5. If you think something is wrong; write it in a piece of paper with a solution before you begin your tantrums. Walk-out of the situation and keep the paper aside for 1 hour, reread it. If it still makes sense to you, discuss the solution with your wife. You cannot launch yourself because something affects you.
    6. Think several times before you continue your pregnancy. Unless your wife is confident that she can have the child and be a family with you never force her.
    7. Therapists are not Gods to bring a change in you. You must change by yourself. You must think positively and ernestly to resolve the mess.
    8. Write down all the areas that bother you. Reread them after 1 month. Believe me you would have knocked off quite a bit from the list.
    9. Revisit your personal and professional life every 6 months to check how your have progressed. If things are worse, both of must make a call ASAP.
    10. If things are better, continue the process identify where you have falttered and continue reworking on them.
    Physical, emotional, psychological, speaking filth is not acceptable. Your level of professionalism, discipline and control are wiped off. You are nothing but a disgrace to your own parents and siblings. A bit of enlightment to you: Anger is not something that pops out suddenly. It is inbuilt and bursts suddenly.

    You cannot wear the only-son syndrome henceforth. Days have changed hubby, if you are the only son someone else is the only daughter. Today, women make more money, share better responsibilities and what not. A classic example, a plethora of women expressing their views to you in this forum.

    It is your duty to deal with your parents and be magnamious to your wife. You need to put your foot down when she is unreasonable. You have made a hue and cry about she not informing her departure to your parents. Is that a big deal? What stopped you from informing them. Your wife deserves as much respect as you deserve. Just because you are the son-in-law you do not hold the holy grail. You are a normal human being that has got married and wants to have a life and be a part of the society.
     
  6. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    Really. Long time as in a month? You did 'have a go' at her every chance you got. And what's with this 'her lack of interest' thing? She asked you to use a condom buddy. You know the thingies they adv on tv and all - yeah that one. Helloooo.

    Fortunately? You mean you actually think its possibly fortunate she got preggo? Good lord! Oh, and whether YOU think 27 is a good time to have a baby hardly matters Mr.Know-All. SHE should feel that way.

    'Realized' your mistakes? Please. You sound so condescending saying that - who do you think you are doing a favor? Remorse is not about just 'apologizing' you know.

    As for discussion and anger management - may God give your wife the strenght to see you in the right light:drowning.

    Oh, I am sure that means HER mother, and possibly her father and brother too. Of course your parents are the purest souls, how can we even think otherwise. And what do you mean by get rid? Are you planning an abduction or something like that?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2010
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Mr. "Hubby"...

    I think you are doing the right thing by going to anger management. But you really have to do the things they tell you... really WORK on the techniques they give you... and WANT this marriage to work from your heart. Just going through the motions wont be enough. You've got to WANT IT.

    Also, I think spending time away from her family is a great idea. BUT, don't jump from the kettle into the pot by involving YOUR family as their replacement. So many of us have inlaws who complain about our wedding function and other past events..... but NONE of us here turned around and hit our spouse because of it! If her parents are blabbering about the wedding, please tell your wife to shut them up. But if they are complaining about the way you abuse her.... then THEY ARE RIGHT! Even a stranger on the road would complain against you if he saw you abusing your wife. It's just common human behavior to be shocked and angry when you see a guy hitting his woman! Try to understand that!

    And like I said before, never make the mistake of bad mouthing your wife in front of your family again. You might think you are a mighty Indian male with God-like parents... but reality is you are simply a man in a partnership of equals... and by railing against your 'better half', you simply look low down and cheap. Not saything that to be mean, but that's really how it comes accross. Even some women have spilled the secrets of their sex lives to their parents and told about it on this forum... and I have given exact same stern answer to them. Some things are just not meant to be shared... just like some 'past events' are not meant to be rehashed. Guess you know what I mean.

    Tell your wife about these changes you plan to make. And after this baby, please consult a doctor about other methods of birth control so you both can have sex without the fear of pregnancy. Hormonal birth control is invisble... no condoms involved, yet 99% effective! There is no reason why this issue can't be resolved. And in the future, realize you are not the only one deciding what is the 'right' time for stuff to happen... a baby should have only happened when BOTH of you were wanting it. My advice is... since your wife is probably terrified of you, especially when it comes to sex.... tell her that you will not attempt to have sex with her anymore... and that you will wait for her to feel comfortable with you again... and when SHE does, she should initiate sex so that way you know she is ready. That way you don't get frustrated asking, and she doesn't feel pressured to say 'yes' or guilty for saying 'no'. I think that's the least you can do for her. You have forced her enough, so let her know that you are now waiting for her to come to you at her own pace.
     
  8. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    LOL Sowmya, I think you maybe going overboard with your flaming of Mr hubby. Yes, the man did some terrible things in the past and he realized it and want to make things right or atleast shown inclination to do so. Lets not make him the effigy for all the horrible husbands out there and scorch him in flames. I think he has had his fair share of scorching from the ladies already so lets be constructive in the criticisms and help him get back on track and give him a chance to make things right to his wife.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    Malavika. I fully realise that my response has strong words of censure. BUT I will still maintain that OP seems patronising even when he says 'I apologised', or that he intends anger management. Like I said before, I think this really is not about managing HIS anger. Why is it that men blame 'anger' as the key to abuse. They would not retaliate physically to other family members or acquaintances, so its not about 'lack of control'. I remember reading somewhere that spousal abuse is a calculated behavior, fully controlled and unleased with the abusers complete knowledge. It is a POWER GAME. Period.

    I think OP's last post about thinking and deciding, without the wife's input, the 'right' age to have kids proves he STILL thinks he should call the shots. And as for 'getting rid' of people who talk of HIS past mistakes, it obviously refers to HER parents. So what if HIS parents have reprimanded his wife - he probably thinks it is the inlaws' God-given right to rebuke a DIL.

    Does 'any' part of his final post have even tell-tale signs of remorse? All it says is HE has decided on anger management, HE has decided to keep a 'select few' away, HE thinks 27 is a good time to be mom, etc. It does not say he hopes his wife will forgive him, nor does it touch upon what his WIFE thinks he has to change. Well, if he has it all figured out what's the point of 'counselling' and 'anger management' anyways?

    Ok, guess I am just barking up the wrong tree. OP probably will be laughing at how riled up he has got us ILites!
     
  10. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Well Sowmya, I would tend to think apologizing to his wife and realizing that he needs anger management is a positive step in the right direction or for the lack of better comparison, certainly better than what he was engaged in before LOL. I agree fully with your logic of channeling your anger just towards the wife and not towards their own siblings or parents

    I think Mr hubby has been censured, verbally chastised and scorched enough by everyone so far and he says he is taking steps in the right direction or atleast attempting to make things right so let us give him the benefit of doubt and trust he will make amends with his wife. Ofcourse it is up to her to decide whether she is willing to take one more chance or has had enough. LOL and like you pointed out, too much censuring by IL women could become a inexpensive source of entertainment for Mr hubby.

    Moderator- Please do not go on and on about Indian Culture and Indian men / women and make sweeping generalisations. Please refrain from doing too much of it. Thanks<!-- / edit note -->
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    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2010

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