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My marriage problems - looking for solution

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hubby, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. hubby

    hubby New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    I am new here and I hope you can also help a male person with his marriage problem. Let me introduce myself.

    I am a qualified professional from a very orthodox middle class family. Since I am a very self-disciplined and a person with more self control I had no bad habits like Drinking/Smoking and Girls etc.

    I am the only son along with sisters in my family. So I always respect girls since from my childhood.

    During my college days I had opportunity to have love affairs with a girl (one side love – the girl loved me a lot) and I rejected that because I always had the thinking that arranged marriage is a good one and it is the only way of getting complete blessing from both families. Meanwhile one of my cousin’s wife used to tell me Indirectly that I will marry a girl from her relation who is beautiful and intelligent. Actually that girl was living in a European country with her family. That has indirectly influenced me by creating a feel of guilt while looking other girls even. Because I felt that I am made for her (Girl from Europe - W) even without knowing her completely.

    After my college, I started working and started trying to achieve my career goal. At some point of time during my career proposal for girls also started coming to my home. Since I feel that I am not strong enough to lead a married life financially I was in my career track. During these periods I used to get opportunity to meet the girl’s parents accidentally. Also I heard through my cousin’s wife that they are interested in me for their daughter. Some times when I met her father I got the feeling he is dominant in nature by his words and the way he talked to me. So I started trying to forget the girl too.

    After a period of time my cousin talked about this proposal to my parents and convinced for marriage by giving some commitments. My parents also got convinced as because they usually believe this cousin. My weakness for this girl made me to accept the proposal. After that I started talking to the girl by phone. I liked the girl as I found she is open minded and ready to adopt with my family and family values.

    Sometimes when I called her I felt like ignored by her mother’s behaviour of keep talking to others (with her friends long time) and keeping the line busy even if she knows that I am calling from India. One day her mother did not pick-up the phone even. Later I called and scolded her badly. That really spoiled my image and her mother also wanted to stop the marriage because of that. Actually I felt guilty for the incident and apologised for the same to her mother. Even after the incident my marriage happened because the girl and her fathers decision.

    After the marriage was over I found some fumes from my side of family for the reason that some commitments were not met that were talked before the marriage with my cousin. Previously One point of time her father told to my parents that my cousin will talk on behalf of him about the formalities of marriage. Means her father gave the full authority to my cousin as because they are very close and know each other well. My parents also started believing the same and had discussions with my cousin by keeping the same thing in mind as because it is declared by her father himself.

    Meanwhile I felt also cheated by marriage as because my wife (W) not allowed me to have sex with her during her stay in India since from first night. She said because she doesn’t want to carry a baby while flying back. But she wanted me to use condoms and that also didn’t work. I was more uncomfortable in having sex with my own wife with condoms. More over she was also not ready. I was very disappointed in that. So during the first visit of my wife to India was not happy as far as I am concerned. My wife’s stay doesn’t last for even 20 days with me after marriage.

    After that I left alone for almost one year. In between there were so many incidents during which I have scolded my wife using rude bad words. Also one day I have scolded my father-in-law very badly by talking bad about my wife’s character. This created a big gap between their entire family and me. Also I have disclosed about my sex matter to my family and relatives. This created a wrong impression about my wife in my family. This incident made me to feel more and more guilty. But still I was not able to control my anger.

    During this situation my wife came to me again for some weeks. As usual no sex between us and in my home also dramas happened and again she went back to Europe. This drama includes physical abuse by me to my wife. Again the same situation persists that is sexual dissatisfaction from my end. As my wife expressed her anger by disrespectful talks and gestures that increased the tension in my family more. The reason for my wife’s anger was that I have changed my decision of going with her to Airport by listening to my family. Actually the reason behind that is tickets were not with us and it was with her parents. Also she has not informed about her journey back to Europe to my parents till the last day. But she has told me and I asked her to inform my parents about it so that it will be more good. Actually I didn’t tell to my parents because we wanted to stay her longer. Finally my wife left to Europe back angrily.

    After she left to Europe I tried to get visa to her place. Finally I got the Visa then resigned my job in India and went to Europe to live with my wife. My parents also encouraged me for that, as they wanted their only son to be happy. My sex problem continued in Europe also. So again I had clashes with her and also with her mother who is staying with us. My anger increased more and more because her mother was telling the old incidents. So I had a very big fight with her mother. Finally I asked apology for the same fight.

    Before the fight I have tried intercourse with my wife and it did not happen properly. But still she got pregnant which is a big surprise for both of us. Before we came to know of the pregnancy we had again one more fight by loosing my temper (as a result of sexual dissatisfaction) where I have beaten my wife very badly in front of her mother. After this incident our marriage was almost about to break and me flying back to India. But her brother came and we had long discussions and finally decided to give me last chance. But still her mother was not happy about the decision. One more thing I wanted to mention is that we both were unemployed by this time.

    Later we come to know about the pregnancy that happened accidentally as I said before. After disclosing this to her mother I was shocked by her reactions. She cried and scolded my wife, me again and again by telling the last incidents. Now the situation is very bad because her mother murmuring every day, my wife is crying a lot, complaints about the past and worrying about our future. Also I planned to go back to India to find a job to care my family, as I found it difficult to find a job in Europe.

    Right now I am more worried about my wife, the unborn child and future of my family life. Please give me your suggestions to help me out to run a happy married life.
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Dude,

    You have a problem. And the problem is YOU.

    First of all, don't fall into the trap majority of Indians fall into... by over involving parents in everything. You discussed your sex life with your family??? What is wrong with you!!! That is private stuff and your parents and relatives have no right to know about it. Keep in mind, sex doesn't just involve your privacy... it involves HERS TOO! Please think before speaking next time.

    Also, you are involving her parents too much. If you have a problem with her, work it out one on one, don't keep blabbering complaints to your mil/fil, and if you don't like one of them, keep your distance. But don't constantly lock horns with them and attempt a show down. Next time your mil opens up her big fat mouth to complain about how the wedding was held, tell her you are NOT INTERESTED and wedding day is done, over, in the past... and nothing can be done. Period. Then walk away and don't give her chance to grumble about ceremony anymore.

    Have you ever stopped to think that her parents don't like you because you are abusive? Yeah, that's right... you're abusive. Do you think by beating her, you are going to convince her to have sex with you? Dude, every time you hit her, you are pushing her miles away from you. And your reasons for the abuse... sexual frustration... are pathetic. Sorry to be blunt, but if your sexual prowess is so insatiable... masturbate. But NEVER take out your frustration on your wife by physically abusing on her. That's just unforgivable.

    And here's a news flash for you: sex with a condom isn't called "no sex", it's called "protected sex". By asking you to use a condom... your wife wasn't depriving you of sex. Sex with a condom is STILL SEX!!! Basically she just wanted to be safe and build a relationship with you before throwing a baby into the mix. AND SHE WAS RIGHT! So many women on this forum post problems that begin with "I'm married for 1 year and have a two month old baby". Having a baby too soon can turn into a HUGE problem, especially in arranged marriages where the couple has not had time previously to bond. Sex isn't just about physical gratification... it's about a spiritual bond and bond of love between the couple.... but you have treated it as a conquest to meet your physical needs. How do you think that has made your wife to feel? There were lots of better options to deal with this issue... like if you don't like condoms, ask her to go on hormonal birth control.

    I think from now on you should stop spewing garbage about your wife's so called "bad character" and start examining the shortcomings in your own personality. You have admitted right here that you both verbally and physically abuse her. So what type of help are you looking for? The answer is obvious! You must get yourself under control. You MUST control your temper and NEVER abuse her again. Only then does this marriage have a chance at working. Until then, you will keep abusing, and she will hate you more and more... probably eventually she will dump you and find somebody more civil. Don't want that to happen? Then take a long hard look at the man in the mirror, and make some changes TODAY.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2010
    AnooSA, hermitcrab, shri0218 and 7 others like this.
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Is your wife working now? Is your wife willing to move India?

    If you can't find job in Europe then some one had to adjust somewhere.
    If you can find job in India, first find job and take house separately from your parents and don't live with your parents anymore, invite your wife and both of you build your relation from scratch. Tell that you are not going to listen to your family nor her mom and stay away from both the families.

    I believe you wife have been very nice otherwise if some other women would have filed for divorce. If some argument going out of the control just walk away from the house but don't start the abuse. That’s very wrong thing to do.

    Forget about her parents and just only think about your wife. Once you set your path straight then your wife can fallow the path by not involving any elders in your relation.

    If both of you could spend time together without anyone interference then things could move easily.

    There is nothing in your wife expectation about using condoms. Because she is the one who is going to get ready for pregnant and not you.

    Anyhow things are not set well from beginning of your marriage and neither of you not able to reconginse the issues.It's issue of long distance realtion and you are frustated day by day with that relation.

    Did you not discussed about how you are going to manage the long distance relation?Did you discussed before marraige that if you don't get job in Europe is your wife wants to relocate to India or not?
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Being a MAN & a HUSBAND doesnt mean whenever you are upset and angry you would use rude words/shout at whom ever you come across / beat your wife...thats no way to show your dissatisfaction.

    If you had control over your words and actions things wouldnt have been dragged to this extent. You are like that habituated abuser who shouts and beats others and apologizes..what is the use of apologizing when you cant stick to your words?? How can a wife or anyone else beleive you?

    Marriage is a commitment and even before you both started your journey you had fought with her using rude words over phone?? and after that another major mistake of disclosing your bedroom issues to your parents and relatives..even before discussing and figuring out the problem iwth your wife?? Did you ever ask her or talk to her what was her problem with the physical relationship? whats bothering her? what are you both planning in future? about jobs, about kids , about settlement etc??? did you both have these discussions ??

    I understand managing distance relationships is very difficult, but the way you potrayed it as if you were waiting for this girl in Europe all the while, then how come such kind of affection is not displayed to her when the marriage happened? Or do you think Marriage is all about SEXUAL SATISFACTION???

    You have involved your relatives and parents in your bedroom issues and it had gone to an extent of her parents involving in all the issues going forward...

    If you cant keep your mouth shut and explain things calmly, first of all you have to go for counselling on how to control your anger and correct your abusive behaviour. Over all if this is howyou were with your wife,I wonder how your relationship/behaviour will be with your kid in future? because everytime you get angry you cant beat up your kid isnt it??

    Be a sensible person,
    go for anger management,
    talk to your wife on having some counselling classes together,
    keep both of your parents aside, tell them not to involve in all these so that you and your wife can work on the issues together
    Start looking for a job
    Move to an apt of your own
    Take care of your wife
    understand each others expectations and limitations...

    STOP BEATING & USING FOUL WORDS. NO WOMAN CAN RESPECT SUCH A MAN
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2010
  5. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hello there,

    The fact that you have posted all this shows that

    1. you realize you have reacted unjustly (physical violence)
    2. you do want your marriage to work.


    The fact the you were not able to prevent yourself from physically and verbally abusing your wife shows that you need to work on your communication and dispute resolution skills. Better still try talking to counselors on how you can deal better with provocative situations.

    A lot of women now-a-days want to wait a few years after marriage before getting pregnant. Nothing wrong with that. You seem to be adamant only about your own satisfaction. At this point do not make a big deal out of this issue. You have bigger things to resolve and do not loose the war over a battle.

    You mentioned that during the marriage "certain commitments were not met". Do you mean dowry commitments?

    Also, there are too many people in the picture, your and her parents. You guys need to work on developing respect and affection for each other.
     
  6. 12adityas

    12adityas Bronze IL'ite

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    I am a male & I'll try to answer from a masculine point of view. You said -

    "Since I am a very self-disciplined and a person with more self control I had no bad habits like Drinking/Smoking and Girls etc."

    Then why did you beat your wife? Why do you get angry every time you aimed for sexual satisfaction? Why do you keep getting angry on your wife? I am an aggressive person from birth, but I have never hit my wife! Being a man equates to being fearless & decisive as much as it equates to retaining self-control!! Do you really know who you are (or become)? Its never late. At least you need to acknowledge that you do feel guilty but you still cannot control yourself, which means there is a problem in you that YOU need to correct.

    To start setting things right, you first need to take some anger management lessons. Why do you think your MIL cried & is murmuring to her daughter? Because she sees you bent on torturing her daughter with your anger tantrums and fear of another beating. Never again raise your hand on her, no matter what she does! Stop scolding her completely, until you finish your anger management lessons! After you complete the anger management program, I recommend you & she to go to a marriage counseling session or two.

    In the meantime, start searching for a job & treat your wife gently. Do not put down her parents in front of her. Recollect your positive sides and show them to her. Sit down and have a chat with her mom & assure her that you will change & will control your anger from now on. If you need to go to India, then convince your wife to go with you & take her with you. Also, invite her mom.

    In the midst of all this, god blessed you both with a child. Its time that YOU start taking responsibility for the safety of your wife. To prevent that responsibility sliding to your FIL or MIL, you need to start changing your behavior towards your wife ASAP.
     
    hermitcrab, nakshatra1 and Weasly like this.
  7. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Goosfraba !!!! (Anger management technique ;) :biglaugh:biglaugh) for me after reading ur thread.

    Just answer this... how self-disciplined person are you when you beat your wife badly?

    Second, the problem is you. You cannot have sex right and your frustration is towards your wife? Please grow up and go to a doctor. Else please divorce her. Atleast your wife and ur unborn will have a safe life.
     
  8. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    :rotfl I concur and second this opinion :rotfl


    ... except I would have addressed the OP as 'Mate' and not 'Dude' :rotfl
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2010
  9. deepshikha

    deepshikha Senior IL'ite

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    Wow man, what kind of respect you claim to have for women??? Beating your wife? You need serious help, as suggested by others go for anger management and therapy. You have been abusive to your wife, which should have been grounds enough for her to claim a divorce from you. I wonder what is it with Indian women who are unable to leave abusive husbands!!!

    Your MIL is justly worried, how can she be not worried when her daughter is married to a man who beats and abuses her.

    Let me tell you one thing, you only believe that you have respect for women, actually you have no respect for any woman, not even your own sisters, otherwise you would have never raised a hand on your wife. Go for therapy and marriage counselling before you turn into a regular abusive husband like other Indian males who live their married life's as per their parents whims.

    Another piece of advise: stop thinking about "commitments not met" , it is these kinds of expectations that have ruined thousands of Indian marriages. Marriage does not mean trying to control your wife, if she was not ready for physical intimacy, you should have given her more time and asked her the reasons instead of forcing her. This is a very common problem, a woman cannot start having sex just the second day of marriage just because that kind of thing happens in India.! You should have tried to win her with love and affection instead of abusing her. Do you think married life can lead without love? Nowhere in your post do you mention that you ever had any feelings of love for her.

    First of all, get a job, do not meet your wife unless you feel affection for her and your child, lest you end up abusing her again and affecting your unborn child in the process. Take anger management class, or do some meditation to quiet yourself. Stop taking your parents point of view in deciding what is good for you and your wife. You are old enough to take the responsibility of your own marriage. And last but not the least, LEARN TO RESPECT WOMEN FROM YOUR HEART NOT JUST IN WORDS!
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  10. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    You have grown up with sisters and a mother and you think its alright to hit a woman? Did you hit your mother and sisters? Would you like it if your sister's husbands hit them 'in anger'?

    Get a LIFE. And let your wife live in peace.
     

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