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My life changes a lot after marriage but unfortunately.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Shirdi123, Nov 1, 2010.

  1. Shirdi123

    Shirdi123 New IL'ite

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    Hi
    I like to share to you all about my life as I can atleast get a relief by sharing it or get a good suggestion to lead it through you my friends or aunties or mom whatever relation it may be. I got married by 16.5 itslf cos of my parents no no due to my grandmothers compulsion. you know I dont know that I am going to get married before one week of my marriage cos of my husbands family is rich. They thought like i can be happy with money alone. I have many dreams about my future before my marriage to become a doctor and to look after my parents like king and queen No wonder I might did it if fate permitted me as I was a school topper. But everything changed due to my parents decision on my life. I dont know you why I got married though I dont have any other distractions like love or anything and was keeping my mind in studies and studies alone.

    On my marriage day , I have not let a drop down from my eyes as i have cried a lot and lot in the week before it. But I dont know that time that I am going to cry daily after my marriage. Yeah, It has been 7 years from the day of my marriage. I dont remember a single day that I was happy in this life. After my marriage I accepted that this is my fate and started a new life burying my soul i.e. studies and my dreams. But fate proves so rude to me. My husband is a drunkard. Drinking may be a common thing in nowadays world. but he is a chain drinker like chain smoker. He will chose drinking when god asks something which you want to be with the whole life. It is really atrocious to live with the new man whom I don't know as I don't know the ABC of sexual life. Yet I tried to change myself a lot and thought that changing him from his habit is my life purpose I tried everything. I cried inside daily seeing the school girls on road and me waiting for my husband not knowing where he felt down drunken in the morning itself in the school going age. But I tried to change him a lot, Every year we will admit him to the hospital seriously due to his drinking habit and he had sugar too. Now it changed to every month. I thought like all my life purpose is changing him and I tried with all my strength. I First attempted to change him with love and care, cried to him that he is my life, begged him, at last shouted at him but nothing works. I got a kid after one and years of marriage. I even tried to change him putting the future of the kid in front of him as I got feared like if he died due to his habit what I am going to do . Due to his drinking habit problem raised daily and he beated me like anything for no reasons. I tolerated it with my dumb tears. Then He blamed me like I am not cooking, taking care of home for hiding his mistakes . I tolerated it. I went to all temples, did all fasting, cried to God daily, took him to psychiatrist but nothing works. My neighbours, relatives all wondered how I am living with him. My nights have been filled with my tears. I accepted all his relations blaming and tortures with smile and tears. Meanwhile I studied BBA in correspondence in spite of his heavy opposition. I went to work as I thought job may divert my mind though it diverts my problem still continues and I am totally shattered awaiting for my death. Being drunken to the extent of becoming unconscious always not knowing even he is clothed or not, his irresponsibility, and everything made him far away from my heart. He made all the festivals to searching day of him in roads or in any houses drunken, a sorrow day indeed I cant get him closer to heart.Though I dont have any imagination about my soulmate surely I cant accept him as a person to live with. I used to stand outside my door praying to god with tears that he should come alive atleast in my 17 years itself. He hit me in the wall, make me stand outside the home when I was very young, If my parents asked anything he scolded him using bad words irrespectfully. Day by day he increases his torture physically and mentally. He moved from my heart far away to the place where I can never love him for sure. Slowly slowly I served him as a humanitarian while he was in hospital,in home. but I could not change my heart to him as I got that much hurt. but I am unable to serve him as a wife in bed without love in mind. I dont have any sexual relationship with him for 6 years or so. For my child I am living otherwise I may be in photo alone before years itself. but when I think of suicide at the last min I used to change my mind that I did not do any mistake why I have to die. i am born to live. Rite? If I see a good couple in road, or at times when I am going to a marriage or while reading love stories I used to cry inside why my life went like this without love but crying this word cant explain my pain . Surely I cant live with him as a wife for the rest of the life as he hurt me to the deep extent. Please pray for me my friends.
     
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  2. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Very sorry to hear your pain full life story.
    You said that you did some education and took a job.
    If you are financially independent, why don't take a divorce from him and move on with your life.
    I am saying this because you quoted that you are not having any physical with him for a long time and also you don't have any feelings towards him.
    Its better for you to get separated and move on with your kid.
    If needed, you can do other courses which might help you with your job to earn more for your livelihood.
    It is not a healthy environment for you or your kid to stay with a drunkard and waste your life.
    Don't think about past too much, you can't do much to it.
    Just think about your future and your kids.

    Good luck.
     
  3. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    i'm very sorry dear. i have only one piece of suggestion if you want to come out of this life and make a new one for your baby and yourself. you say you were married at age 16.5. take your birth cert and marriage cert or any proof of marriage and go see a lawyer or go to family court for help....
    i pray your future days are filled with happy moments and smiles and peace and hope the future starts today itself.
    take care.
     
  4. mapleleaf

    mapleleaf Silver IL'ite

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    You are a very brave young lady! Inspite of being married so young and going through so much at a very young age you have tried to bounce back in life with your Univ degree and job. Kudos to you! Keep it up, don't lose your fighter spirit, this will help your DS to grow into a very secured confident young man.
    Now it is time for you to be more assertive, your husband needs rigorous counselling, theraphy and re-habilitation. You need to give him an ultimatum to co-operate for it or you will walk out with the kid. Don't shed anymore tears, if he threatens to or tries to beat you, tell him you will report to the police . Please don't take anymore abuse, marriage is not sacred anymore if/when one partner tries to be abusive over the other. Think about the impact all this is having on your son.This whole vicious cycle of looking for the drunken husband on the streets and taking care of him when he is admitted into the hospitals due to drinking will tire you out and leave you no energy to raise your son. This is definetly too much burden to take on yourselves. Do you have in-laws living with you? Are they kind and helpful towards you?Can you ask them to help you with your husband? You need to have a stronger voice to overcome this either raise your own or take help from his folks.
    Lastly please do not think of Suicide or death ever. Is this marriage so important to you that you are ready to lose your life(God-given ) over your husband?? If you think about it you do not actually have a married life anyway.
     
  5. Loner

    Loner Senior IL'ite

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    Your story is almost the same as my mother's. My father and his sister used to harass my mother like anything. My father was also an alcoholic. But fortunately for my mother, I stood up to her. I am her only hope and I can proudly say that I never disappointed her. My father passed away due to his bad habits. My mother lives alone in India and due to some financial commitments I am in USA.


    My advice would be, think what you want. Don't expect people to change. If you want to continue serving him, then it is up to you. Otherwise, get out and have a life for you and your kid. You said your hubby is rich. Your son may inherit the wealth in future. Plan accordingly.
     
  6. anuram09

    anuram09 IL Hall of Fame

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    To my opinion there is no need to be in this relationship. Try to come out of this. Make a secure home for yourself and your kid. I know its very tough, but worth as your kid may suffer pshycologically if he/she is put up in such family condition. Your child is blessed to get such a wonderful and brave mother. Good luck ! Baba will be with you always
     
  7. glascobaby

    glascobaby Silver IL'ite

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    First of all big hugs to you dear :)

    You've crossed quarter of the well, and from your saying, its lucid, you've the power to cross fully.Yes, everything lies inside you, provoke yourself, have cheerful movements with your kid.Really felt sorry and bad about your parents, and they are so happy now to see their dear daughter suffers with this sort of guy!

    God Knows!.....(In my view, whatever the relative they could be - for an individual, no one has any rights to spoil one's life without their concern(whoever). I seriously, dont encourage or dont let it happen)

    But as you're moulded as per their needs in your young age itself, You've got some maturity now and wish to fix things. There is always a big difference between reality and fantasy! isitn't?

    To say is easy than to do! so, I dont want to give you advice or suggestion to get rid of your wife's position and all.Because, you're your own boss of your life,each and every seconds and minutes, you are going to tackle your way of living, carry out your wrath and words safely among your people.

    As you've accepted it as fate, be stubborn in expressing your views in your in-laws place, try to secure yourself and your kid as soon as possible, (cuz, you said they are rich enough, let them pay for their mistakes, have some property or money for your kids and you). And, you said he's fair away from your heart, then why did you worry about him!!!!!....Dont stand for him!....And you dont need to listen to his abuse.

    Have some stock of cotton buds inside your ears!:rant

    If you are ready to come out of this life, come out with dare!
    But take your decision once, whatever it could be in a way, that shouldnt take adverse effect on yourself, and your kid's life.


    All the best!

    Note: :ideaOne small request, dont keep any comparisons in your heart, while seeing other couple's, because it may add fuel to the fire.Instead of that, think how you can be happy without anyone!!!! This is the best thinking when you were left alone and to keep you going!
     
  8. Shirdi123

    Shirdi123 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply. It surely consoles me. Yes ofcourse there is no point living with him anymore . but my grandma is still restricting my parents not to get divorce for me though they realised their mistake. Though I have a daughter I want to live my life with my daughter happily the rest of my life but unable to do anythign without the support of my parents. So praying to God daily that he should give a happy life for me and my daughter. hope my prayers will be answered soon for sure.
    I am not financially independent as I did BBA in correspondence without doing +2. I dont get any high paid job. I dont know how to get well in my career as I am blank now. If u have any idea about worth courses please suggest me.
     
  9. Shirdi123

    Shirdi123 New IL'ite

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    Really hats off to you . :thumbsup Because my opinion about men changed many days ago worsely but still i under stand now that some god men are there with good understanding of feminine. your mom is very lucky. Have a happy life ahead.
    yes it is waste of time thinking to change some people. I want to get rid of this life soon and have a peaceful life. Put all to god. thanks
     
  10. yashashree

    yashashree New IL'ite

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    it was really a very painful to hear ur story but u r a very brave girl hats off fo that. everybody has given u a very good advices. so think with a cool head what steps u have to further for a good future for u and ur kid. i am sure baba will help u to take right decisions and hope u have a very bright future. why don't u try to do some professinal courses in banking or finance or whichever field u may have interest ans choose such institutes which support u for getting employment also.


    All the best:thumbsup
     

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