My letter to God :-(

Dear People...

I just thought of sharing my mind state here...
I was a very enthuciastic girl..with full josh and happinesss...
I used to wander around alwayz with a smile...
I was God fearing and used to visit temples...even when i'm happy or sad...
When i didn't get what I was praying for years to come true...
I tried hardly and consoled myself half-heartedly saying that maybe i wl get better than what i ve lost...Now i don't have anythng to be happy about...
I know that happiness can't be searched anywhere and it's inside...
The thing is...I lost my interest...and hope in all...
The things what I have done happily once...are now being done by me like a machine...
Even when i ve failed in most of my promises n dreams...i used to run towards God...thinking he is there for me..
I have consoled many people...who when talks hopeless to me...
Now...I feel i'm not in a position to console or pull a person up...
when me myself is very down...
There are so many people in this world...who have many worst problems...
when I think abt them...I feel i'm lucky to live today with good moral status and respect in society....
I was praying with full belief and happines...when everythng shattered also...I tried very hard to think positively...and tried hard to think that good things will happen to me n my family...
My world has changed...ppl who saw me before...are now saying...
u have changed a lot...ur not even talking...bcos i'm type of girl who can start to tlak for hours to strangers also...i ve got many friends...but now i'm just smilining to them...if i happen to see them....
I used to run to any temple...is i happen to see anyone of them on the way...not only thinking that God is only there...he is everywhere..
I felt happy in seeing those...deepams..lights...devotees with flashing eyes...kids running...i ve felt...that he is not just an idol standing there...
he is real and seeing me...
I ve faced many small small miracles and felt happy about it...
I have posted some blogs also...about my happiness with God..
Even here in Indus ladies I have posted many experiences and answered some queries some months back...
But now all of a sudden...everything has dried out from me...
Even when i was near to a temple...i didn't feel like going inside...
Not because...i don't have anythng to ask...i'm afraid again i may ask what i'm not gonna get....
I know...God is not a shopkeeper...who is gonna give all u want...
Even when i lost my happiness...i went to him to see...whether he can give back the smiling girl again to me...
The girl used to speak abt God and his presence...is now afraid to open her mouth to anyone abt God...
I'm searching for the bubbly girl who got lost inside me...
I feel everythng should happen naturally....
we can say like...do somethng that wl make u to be happy...
I don't want that...i don't want to do laughter theraphy to get happiness...
I feel...my happy soul that i ve lost now...has to return to me naturally...
like the instant happiness we get when we see a small baby smiling at you...
Sometimes i wl ask him...make me as a happy girl before...
somtimes i wl think...if he wants to give...he wl give..even if we don't ask him...
I feel...the way he calls me before as his kid...he will call me again...if he has to..or else..he won't call me...
one day with full tears..i thought if i write a letter to him...he will see it...
I know...he is seeing it...while i'm writing only...

Hope he sends a reply to me through anyone of you....

Dear God...


why u have abandoned me like an orphan ? even when kids born without mother n fathere are called us God's children...

Why u have left me ? I miss you...

U left me because I called you Mom and Dad....?

u left me because I felt like sleeping on ur lap daily ?

u left me because i believed i'm the youngest in ur family... ?

when u want to teach me a lesson...why u ve choosen the worst path for me...there is no way for easy learning ?

i feel alone when everyone is there...

the joy , happiness and wonderful world...i thought i was living in suddenly turned out to be a hell...

i consoled myself saying that u r there to hold my hands and walk with me...

No...i don't believe that now...bcoz if ur near...i would have felt ur presence...

i ve felt ur presence many times...i felt ur around...ur smiling...ur watching...ur near me always...

why u called me soo near to you and suddenly thrown me from top of the hill...

now even i can't see you...i'm not able to feel ur presence anywhere...

why u have throwed me out...why ur not calling me now...why u have made urself away from me...

when everyone was making fun of me like "U r going to become a saint"...i thought they don't know abt my relationship with you...so they are laughing...

i thought...one day they wl also feel you...now u ve proved...they are true...that i'm somone to be laughed at...

when i was a kid...ppl have told...God is everywhere...i realised that after 26yrs of living in this world...

Have u forgot what all I ve talked with you ?

Breathing should happen naturally...then only it's life...like this happiness whould bloom naturally...

i don't want to live in a life support sytem...what sin i have done to take away from my life , my belief n trust in life n people...

i ve heard only humans will abondon their child...since i called u Amma n Appa...u thought ur a human and abondened me aa ?

U ve removed urself from me completly...i tried my level best to be nice to ppl n be happy...

why u r troubling and playing with my emotions...

i can run n catch anyone...i can't catch you...if ur not stoping before me to be catched...

why u ve removed the memories of you inside me...why u have killed ur soul inside me ?

answer me ...answer me...plz....even when u ve not given what i want also...i ve searched for you...

now u ve removed my thought of searching for you...

u ve abandoned ur child and have made her to forget her Amma n Appa...and wander like a refugee here...

from an orphan who now can't tell her as ur child,
- Sree

 

Thank you so much Savietha for your prayers....

regards,
Sreedevi

 

Thank you Shilpa....I have told ...what all have happened to me to my Mom...like everybody she consoled me and told one day will come to me also...

Sashu...Sorry to hear that...like you are also sailing in the same boat.. :-(
I wish you....to get back all your happiness and success !!!

Many ppl have cheated me in the name of God...i got so much of belief...
so when one day when everything shattered...i tore down a paper into pieces...which holds the list...I thought i wl do once...God provides me what I wished for more than 2 years...

it's not like a give n take policy with God...bcoz the list won't get completed only with me...i ve lost the other part...so i tore it down...

Even..to think like optimistic...we can say..."Maybe thatz not good for me so he has not given me that"
My gr8 question is..."Why he takes away happiness,belief and hope also along with it...why can't he just take only that and leave my hope behind "

When ppl are down..they used to shed tears...I too have shed tears when i got scouldings from elders...or when having a fight with friends...etc...
But this is one thing...even after an year...even today morning..when i thought abt it...tears automatically sheds from my eyes instantly...

One that that was so interesting to me was..." The thing what I had wished for more than 2 yrs...I got to know...it's not going to be with me...when i was in a temple "
Immediatly..."I saw God's idol...and asked him silently...You have made me to see you...and gave me small small happiness in ur temple by giving me contact to few ppl...Are all these things u have given me ...to tell me one day...that all these things are not for me....U called me to ur temple...to tell me that i ve lost "

After sheding tears to the core...when I tried to console..that one day...I wl get more than what i ve lost and should prove before them who cheated me...that I have won...

hahah winning...that is something that can't be get only by hardwork in certain cases...like getting a child , getting a good husband , good mother , good friend.....
there are certain things in this world that can be got only by blessings...

God...He is the one...who draws me towards him...if everythng happens as he wishes...if he wish...to adopt me again as he did before...let him do...let him call me wholeheartedly...so that i can walk whole heartedly with him...

Bcoz...when somethng what we have asked has not happened...we lost the hope to ask for more...even as a normal human...
mind was hoping to win the people... I got scared...bcoz to win the cheated ones...is not at all in my hands...let him make me win them...if he wish too...

Have a great day people..

cheers
Sree

 

Dear Sujatha...

Thank you so much for your kind words..i feel little better now..
the presentation is very true...with hope we can light up other things...first i have to light up my hope...

Sorry to hear...about ur similar problems... :-(
But I appreciate you...for moving forward to achieve somethng inspite of all ur problems...Keep it up !!!
Maybe my wounds wl get cured by time...so I should give some time...for time...to heal it...

i got a doubt..after seeing that presentation....whatz the difference between hope n faith...both looked similar to me..
then after some searching in net...got some results like this...

" Faith and hope are actually quite similar, but there is a difference.

Faith is the belief in something beyond what your human senses can perceive, with little or no substantial tangible evidence.
For example, my mother is about a 5 hour plane ride away, yet somehow I have faith that she is alive and well, even though I have no way of knowing this for sure, unless of course I call her up right now.
Another example; I have faith that I will wake up tomorrow. I believe I am a fairly healthy individual, but there's still no guarantee that I will even survive until bedtime tonight. I just have faith.

Hope involves a little less certainty, making it more whimsical and almost more magical when it is realized.
I hope to be a published author someday, just like I hope to have a family with at least two children.
There is enough time between now and when these hopes can be actualized that there is a higher level of doubt,
not that I doubt myself, no, I am only aware that a lot needs to happen before I am published or before I have a family. "

Thanks dear again for ur efforts to cheer me up...

Wishing you to get all success and happiness in life !!!

Cheers
Sree