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My Husband's Emotional Black Mails

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Feb 14, 2022.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My husband is hurt. He is obviously hurt because he has been jobless since almost a decade now.
    I still don't know why, but he chose to blindly follow his dad's advices after our marriage, that too, knowing clearly the fact, that his parents did not like our wedding.
    He chose to be a spoiled brat, and acted like a foolish kid with me back in our initial married life a decade back.

    Most of you must have read my story in IL, because IL was the only place I could vent out those times.

    My FIL was so cunning, that he agreed to our wedding at the last minute only after learning my international professional appointment. He found a tricky way to stop his son from joining me in abroad and managed to keep him under his umbrella forever.
    So that he can play with our finances, which he succeeded after bankrupting us completely.

    My H listen to his dad and resigned from his promising job in 2010. He decided to transfer all his savings to his dad. Also, he trusted his dad so much that he gave him the authority to deposit dollars (my foreign salary) into a special account, which turned out to be only in his dad's name later.
    All I did was, trusting my H and believing his financial literacy to manage our wealth. Hence I shared all my savings to him when I worked abroad.

    My H believed his dad will eventually give him all the wealth; hence followed him despite knowing he was not doing what he supposed to do for the family he created.

    He chose to stay jobless and live with his parents without any worries about us. I had no choice but to look for employment immediately after my delivery to run the family.
    In spite of earing in dollars, and saving in millions I was left with no penny in hand during 2011.

    I somehow bounced back with the help of my parents, and since then there was no going back.
    But my H had a very clumsy life style. For once he would chose to be on our side, try to work for the family, and be nice with us. Within months, he would be a different person and be completely on his parents side.

    His parents were so tactful and very magical when it comes to finances. They made him swipe 3 of his international credit cards to the maximum and made him (through me) continue to pay their bills.
    They made him sell our jewels, and give them money.

    After a point, my H and I understood these kinds of financial abuse, and it took us several years to come out of it.

    In the meantime, during 2016-2018 I helped my H to find a decent job. He worked so hard and almost there to climb upwards.
    I also assisted him to buy a car, and pay the EMI from his salary, so that he will be left with very minimum and his parents can't financially abuse him like before.
    He agreed, but his parents made him leave that job and dumb that car if that doesn't give them any benefits.
    I still don't know why a grown up man would follow his dad's advice when it comes to his personal matters. That too, my H has never followed his dad until he married me. He has always hated his parents for their partial treatments, and always stayed away from them in the past. But the history turned upside down after marriage and he became their pet.

    in 2020, he caught them red handed when they tried to further abuse us. It became a huge issue at home, and finally he decided to cut complete ties with them.

    I have found them guilty a few years before and always alerted my H, but he refused to believe me until he found out first hand. Never mind, I thought ur lives will be smoother here after.

    of course, it made a huge difference since 2020, as we had no looking back in our financial and emotional growth since then.

    But, it didn't help my H anyways.

    He is clearly upset about his state right now.
    He feels insecure for being job less. He didn't feel like this when he chose to stay at home for a decade while I juggled between work and family when the kids were too small. But now, he hates to stay home.

    He applies for jobs, but with a huge career gap he doesn't seem to be getting anything. Its been constantly 2 years of attempts with no results. So he is very frustrated.

    I have given him the option to stay at home and be productive. He can be the first hand parent to the kids as I am mostly away from home. He can run our coconut estate remotely and manage the work of the care takers.
    We are planning to rent out our villa and a flat back in Sri lanka. He can do the needful as I have no time to follow this up
    I have enrolled him to a gym, and several other entertainment to kill his boredom.
    He can cook and there are multiple ways to enjoy and be helpful to the family until he finds a job.

    Even some of my friends suggested we do a business in this foreign land as certain Sri lankan products like coconut and tea have so much demand here.
    I suggested this to my H, and checked whether he is interested in it.
    Hell broke lose when I opened this discussion. He felt offended, and felt like I am all over him and he can't no longer take this.
    He says he will be better off if he stayed back, but he chose to join us to support. But we are making his life hell here.

    He event left home that night during heavy snow and didn't return till late night. So, I and my little son had to go out in order to check him that night, and it made us so uncomfortable.

    Since that night, my H behaves differently.
    He complains that I don't share the ATM card with him (I do share, but with limitations as he has a history of financially cheating me). I can't blindly trust him all over again, and end up in another bankruptcy.
    I don't have the age and courage in my favor to bounce back like last time, so I am being extra careful. But he is upset about it, and demands he needs that freedom.

    When it comes to major financial decisions, I often consult my H first. But he has never supported my decisions. He would rather give different directions which seem to be difficult and wrong.
    So, I end up consulting with my FOO and a few trusted friends for their suggestions and most of the time they side with my decision only.
    My H hates this, and always wanted me to keep our decisions within ourselves only.

    He seem to be so much influencing, especially making decisions or forcing me to agree with his decisions whenever I am occupied with something else seriously.
    For ex: He makes an investment, and inform about it over the phone while I am at a senior management meeting at work. I can't answer his calls, or patiently discuss the process. But he would somewhat succeed in getting a YES from me, and do the investment which often (almost 99%) turns out to be failure. I will end up losing a lot of money.

    Given this history, I demand him to have an open discussion, fact finding and checking with others before we make it final. But he refuses this citing, he doesn't want others opinion to run his family. But come on... it is my hard earned money.

    He hates me for being the ruler and encroaching his head of the family space. But I swore, I did not encroached his place. He himself lost this place to me, and I have been forced to play this duel role without any choice.

    Today, he keeps a long face and texed me as if I don't understand his feelings. And I will understand this only after his death.
    He appears depressed. But believe me, this is not the first time he appeared so. He is angry with my mom and tries all the ways to provoke her. This can lead to fights between myself and mom later. But we are being patient now.

    Whenever we are blessed with additional wealth, my H turns moody like this. He creates so much havoc and displeasure in the family.

    What can I do to stop this cycle once for all?
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2022
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  2. Tryinghard2013

    Tryinghard2013 Silver IL'ite

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    Kudos to you, you have been handling all the ups and downs so well! No advice to you but it truly is an inspiration to read your story and how you have still maintained this marriage with such dignity and patience! I can always learn from you!
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2022
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  3. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    He needs to find himself in the new country and new place and it will take sometime given the gaps in his career and moving away from native place. Sometimes we need to handle the situation with tact and treat them like kids or more like teenagers. If possible, try to keep the finances out of this and assure him that you are there for him emotionally. I know it sounds cliche, but this is what you can do to manage the situation until he bounces back from the current state of mind.
     
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  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    you are his wife not his mom.

    also what is wrong in that business plan of coconut, sounds like a great plan. here my neighbor started selling milk once his green card got approved. initially his relatives in india mocked, now after 1 year, he doing well financially and they want his help.

    I agree with @NOW madam
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks dears!

    I was totally down yesterday, and wanted to vent out; hence posted here.
    Now I am completely fine :)

    I sat down with him last night, and started to discuss things calmly.
    Within minutes, he started giving me reasons for all the mistakes that he has committed so far.
    Either he blames his parents, or his stars or the circumstances, but never once he felt responsible for the messiness he has created in our marriage.

    It is because he hasn't lost anything much to feel sorry or change.
    Yes, he lost his job... But he found a wife who could earn more than 2 people could earn in any average families, and willing to run the show. He hasn't lost anything, but gained ample free time to pursue his hobby and self relaxation.
    He lies to the world that he works, and the recent covid lockdowns were on his favor as everyone thinks he works from home. He maintains as if he manages a team in an international firm; and we are compelled to maintain that lie in case if anyone questions.

    Similarly, he hasn't lost anything by his misbehavior either. He has financially cheated on me and made me lose all my money in 2010. But I have never held him responsible to pay that back.
    There were several similar financial incidents, where he simply escaped by playing victim card.

    On the other hand, he insults my mom and my side of the vulnerable relatives like mom's older brother or her friends or so.
    He never insults my bro or sister. Because they are very strong and he knew they will give him back right there. So, he is always nice with them.
    But with mom he is really evil. She has faced hell lot of issues with him in the past, and adjusted everytime for my sanity.
    But each time she would complain, and I would somewhat shape their problem without harming the peace at home.
    Last year hell broke lose when mom exploded and involved my siblings.
    I felt ashamed of not being able to protect mom from the emotional abuse my H created for her. But at the same time I didn't want our family politics to be discussed outside (with siblings and their in laws). So, I didn't punish my H, but somewhat controlled both mom and him.
    He was again escaped, and owed nothing for what he did.

    So, he easily believes what he did was right, and that's him. So, either we should adjust or let it be.

    Yesterday, I told him firmly that I won't adjust with him anymore. It is true that my tolerant level is way too high. But it has a limit too.
    Now that, I have reached that level where I can't tolerate any of his nonsense.

    Just because I forgave him, doesn't mean he didn't commit the mistake. He committed the mistake, and he should accept that first.
    Then, he should find a way to apologize and not to repeat the same mistake again.
    Finally, he should know if he commits mistakes, he will have to face the consequences.
    Any kind of self harming or emotional blackmailing won't help on the long run, unless he accepts, apologizes and changes towards better.

    I think this is the first time I was able to communicate this with him clear.
    Earlier, all I did was to solve the issue and make sure it did not erupt further. Because I didn't want my entire family to know our differences and later discuss our matters with outsiders.

    Living in a foreign land is so helpful, because it is just us.... and no one else can intervene or influence or even gossip about what's going on here.

    He seemed accepting, and trying to change. Even if he doesn't, I would constantly try to bring him back to where he suppose to be in our lives.

    Thanks much
     
  6. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    Kudos to you for handling this for this many years. I wouldn't have had the mental strength.
    Basically if you husband does not like you consulting your friends for money matters, then you can tell him that he should also stop listening to his parents. It should come both ways right? see what he has to say for that.

    I really am surprised by parents who want to keep the boy tied to themselves but also choose to get them married. It cause such a misery for the girl and the boy. At this old age they are so greedy that they want to amass all the wealth and do what? For all you know they could not wake up the next morning. That is life. Each day is blessing when we wake up from sleep.
    I know it is easy to give advice but you may want to talk to your husband like you treat a child as he is so into his parents' advices. Good luck to you and I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
     
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  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    You can suggest him to study any certifications to restart his career or start a franchise for Starbucks, kids classes like kumon, mathnasium,eyelevel etc.
    Empty mind is a devils workshop.
     
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Franchise will involve a huge upfront financial investment and it takes a lot of hard work.
     
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  9. Desiindian

    Desiindian Gold IL'ite

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    If a friend had asked for my opinion on a same scenario, my first question would be why do you want to live a person, financially not responsible, not taking father's responsibility, lying to his spouse, not accepting his mistakes. Depending on her answer. I would advice her further.
     
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  10. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Why do you want him to take up financial responsibility when he is not interested in. It is like pressurisising a housewife to take up a job when she is not interested, or not able to find a job as per her qualification, capabilities, etc. Let him continue to be the house husband. You are earning quite decently in a high profile job, let him take care of the kids, their study, etc.

    He must be going through a tough time himself having landed in a different country with no job, having to share space and time with mother in law. Give him space and freedom to do whatever he wishes to do/ sit idle if he wants to. He is not a child that you can force him to do things.

    I appreciate your success on the professional front, and have felt that you have had to handle many serious problems in your family life. Everyone doesnt get everything, so just ignore the problems created by your husband.
     
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