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My Husband shares every fight between us to his sister

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Talk, Dec 5, 2015.

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  1. Dec 5, 2015 #1
    Talk

    Talk New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies
    I know its not big issue when compared other IL’s but still I am angry and hurt when I remember the whole episode.

    I am married for 6 months. We both are working in USA. When ever we fight in these 6 months it’s always about our carriers. I think my husband needs a little push to pursue further in his carrier. Some time that little push end up in big fight. I always thought these kinds of problem are common in any married relationship.

    Till now I maintained a very good relationship with in-laws and his sister. I never had any fights with them. If they say anything which hurts me I just ignore that topic and moved on. I respect them and I think they are doing the same.

    My issue here is my husband and his sister has very good bonding I always have a feeling that my husband shares everything with is sister. I don’t mind how much they talk and how much they share as long as it’s not about me. I never had any proof that he was sharing everything to his sister. So, I ignored and dint think about it much but recently in our casual conversation I felt he told a particular topic to his sister then I asked him directly do you share our discussions and fights with your sister.

    He dint expect that question from me but any how he answer yes I share everything with her. I got so much angry and hurt. I told him Very calmly don’t share our personals with her. I don’t like it. What ever it is we have to handle don’t involve any 3[SUP]rd[/SUP] person in our lives. He simply said I will try.

    I remember once me and my husband had a big fight his sister told me on our usual Saturday cal that don’t fight with my bro, if you have any problem with him share with me I will talk to him. (I thought why she is telling all these. Even thought we fight we will be all right by evening why she involving this much)

    I know he told me that he will try to not share with his sister but I lost trust in him.Every time what ever I talk to him I feel may be he will share this to her may be she takes that as an opportunity to for something else...

    When ever I rethink of the past fights He told each and everything to her she will pass each and everything to my father-in-law and mother-in-law. Since his family is a joint family everybody knows everything.

    I feel like what is this? Why these guys don’t have minimum common sense not to share their personal with sister/mother?

    As a girl in this 6 months I dint even shared a single thing with my mom or sister. I thought when we share things with family member they get complicated.
    I don’t like my family members look at him any less after I share my problem with them.

    Why don’t guys think that way?

    Do they think we are not that close to our family members?

    I am not able to understand. Right now I am so pissed off.I think I am just venting out.
    Please share if you guys have any suggestion regarding this issue.

    Thanks Ladies!!
     
    Talk, Dec 5, 2015
    Talk, Dec 5, 2015
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    1 person likes this.
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  2. Dec 6, 2015 #2
    sun01

    sun01 Bronze IL'ite

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    You may be independent person and He may be attached to his family. As he said he will try to change, Give him time. It is not easy to become altogether different person just because of marriage.

    Picking fights for trivial things at early stage of marriage is not a good sign. It is the time to strengthen the relationship giving some personal space.

    You seem to be bit aggressive, if other person also becomes aggressive mode then you both will face big problems.
    Try to be patient.
    It is just my point of view. I could be wrong.
     
    sun01, Dec 6, 2015
    sun01, Dec 6, 2015
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  3. Dec 6, 2015 #3
    Talk

    Talk New IL'ite

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    Thank you for your suggestion.
     
    Talk, Dec 6, 2015
    Talk, Dec 6, 2015
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  4. Dec 6, 2015 #4
    fnightingale

    fnightingale New IL'ite

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    I have been married, close to 20 years. I share most of the happenings with one of my sisters. She, acts as the voice of reason some times and has helped me understand somethings things which I fail to understand when having a fight with my wife. As long as his sister is mature enough, not to interfere in each and every thing going on in your life and is helpful, I don't see an issue with sharing things with Sis
     
    fnightingale, Dec 6, 2015
    fnightingale, Dec 6, 2015
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  5. Dec 7, 2015 #5
    Hyral

    Hyral Gold IL'ite

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    I think OP here already said that her DH's sis already questioned her that why you fight with my bro...if anything bothers u , you can tell me'
    OP is not wrong here...these fights are no different from Bedroom time spent...will you go out and share all that to your sis no? everything has a limit....
    Which couple in this world doesn't fight.? Even Op's sis-in-law might be fighting with her DH if she is married???
    I dont get this discrimination...I mean if guy shares all the personal things to his sis/mom is all fair and if same thing is seen from gal's end....it is considered interference to the extend that there are many cases of divorce becoz of that....if girl's parents/siblings cannot interfere even guy's parents and siblings shouldn't...PERIOD
     
    Hyral, Dec 7, 2015
    Hyral, Dec 7, 2015
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  6. Dec 7, 2015 #6
    bhagya85

    bhagya85 Silver IL'ite

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    OP,
    If you are sure that he shares bits of all your fights,i think its time for you to make him stop it.Even if she is his sister,she is just a third person between you and your H.I can definitely understand your feeling,its really frustrating rite?
    Make him understand the consequences. Give him time to realize and change.If your sister in law comments something like before,just tell her politely that 'don't worry I'll take care'.
     
    bhagya85, Dec 7, 2015
    bhagya85, Dec 7, 2015
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  7. Dec 7, 2015 #7
    sun01

    sun01 Bronze IL'ite

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    I think you are blowing too much out of proportion with too strong words " bedroom, discrimination, divorce ...." . etc.

    This kind of provoking only spoils relations and families.

    You don't bother to give one positive good suggestion to help OP to make things better.

    Try to restrain your personal emotions while giving suggestion to others.
     
    sun01, Dec 7, 2015
    sun01, Dec 7, 2015
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  8. Dec 7, 2015 #8
    anumuralik

    anumuralik Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    You are being in his life from only 6 months... And his sister has been with him from the time he was born... They are friends from birth... And friends do share everything.... And his sister is just trying to be helpful... You may not know... But she might also be sharing her problems in her married life with her brother... You dunno the other side of the coin... Then why the blame game?? You just can't shun off their relationship... You are just being too critical with them... No sister wants to ruin her brother's married life Infact she would try to mend it... Not all SILs are nosy and bossy... There are few who genuinely want good for their brothers.... Am a sister myself... And I have seen many such good sisters all through my life... Try to understand your husband... Everything comes later... If everything between you both goes good then you won't be seeing your SIL often in between you both... You just can't blame their relationship...
    Be cool and have patience... Everything will fall in place... Good luck...
     
    anumuralik, Dec 7, 2015
    anumuralik, Dec 7, 2015
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  9. Dec 7, 2015 #9
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your basic idea of keep husband-wife stuff private is a good one. Tricky part is the implementation.

    Given what you know about your husband's nature and personality, do you think he might have objection to your sharing this situation with strangers in an online forum?

    No, not so common. You guys are newly married. Why are careers becoming a matter of "whenever we fight"? Just how often do you fight?

    How many "little pushes" have you given your husband w.r.t his career in these 6 months?

    Once a topic ends up in "big fight" you approach that differently next time.

    In the initial few months (or even years) of marriage, some topics can be touchy. Such as physical looks, weight, hair/hairstyle, skin color, body odor, bad breath, breast size, career motivation, house keeping skills, frequency or quality of sex, hosting skills, introverted-ness, exercising.

    Any talk around these should be handled very very carefully.

    About sharing with sister - if you read through your post, he handled it better overall. He was honest in response to you that he did share everything, and said "he would try" not to do so in future. You on the other hand, were "so much angry and hurt." You told him stuff needs to be kept private, and that you don't like his sharing it.

    Experience will teach you to not ask for promises that are hard for others to keep, and harder to check up on. Now, you are left with his "promise" and a million doubts.

    Instead, build your relationship. Let there be less fights. Not so he won't tell his sister, but because too many fights are not good. Build your relationship. Build the bond. You guys don't live with his sister. You are the wife, she the sister. These are two huge advantages if you can leverage them.

    In married life, there will be many occasions when man and woman simply shake their head in disbelief at actions/words of each other. "I never in my wildest dreams thought you would do this!!!!!"

    Only few things in marriage are tit-for-tat. You don't share stuff at all with your sister/mother - good. But that doesn't mean he also shouldn't. There will be things that you will do, and he won't. It mostly evens out in the end.

    how to deal with his sister knowing your fights etc: The royal ignore, and quiet disdain. If she tells you to share with her your troubles, give a nice calm reply - "thanks, didi, but touchwood that may not be needed ever. Fingers crossed" or if you are feeling more daring, something audacious like: "Oh I would, but then I also have to tell you how we make-up < giggle giggle > Or: an airy: "Oh I would, but my memory is so bad about those things... that is good naa?"

    Meaning: instead of drilling into your husband's head that you are a unit, show it to others by your words/actions. A gentle put down whenever anyone tries to come between you and husband.

    Go easy on confronting husband each time you realize he is still sharing stuff. He may simply start to get better at covering up, and sister may also stop giving cues that she knows.
     
    Rihana, Dec 7, 2015
    Rihana, Dec 7, 2015
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  10. Dec 8, 2015 #10
    Talk

    Talk New IL'ite

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    I read all of your reply some I understand some I am trying to understand by reading 2 r 3 times but Thank you all for your time in my problem.
     
    Talk, Dec 8, 2015
    Talk, Dec 8, 2015
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