1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

My husband puts his family first.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Niharika2010, Aug 22, 2012.

  1. loveislife

    loveislife New IL'ite

    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Hello Everybody..

    Husband always loves his wife and kids. Never want to be alone without them. His whole life he earns money for her wife and kids. But Husband is also a son of his parents. and having other relations from start of his birth. How can he forgot them.

    Niharika,
    I can understand your pain. The same case is going with my wife and myself also. i love my wife very much. We have love marriage nad spent arround 9 years together before marriage.

    Wife should not think about priorties. Can you set priorty between your two children. the same way husband can not set priority between his parents and wife. they both are their resposbitiy. you just care and help him to sort out from this problem. just guidehim the path with good talks. try to know what is going to run in his mind. make him calm.. so he can make you happy.

    I think the something loke above is running his mind. Always remember he can not live without you and his parents. if you both need his care then make him so strong so he can handle the situation.

    I am also expecting your help to understand more clearly my wife pains and way to solve them. so we can live happliy.
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. readymade

    readymade Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Same story! My husband also helps his parents and siblings a lot. where as they don even care to get a gift for our children. If I ask, he 'll say it's my duty so i'm doing but never the same rule applies that side. They have a thought of getting and never giving. being working, if i wear a nice dress, then my sils will tell my mil see brother is getting her nice dress. instead of asking their husbands, they 'll ask their brother - the greatest sponsor for the entire family.
    I am dreading what 'll happen to our future if we keep spending like this!
    praying God when there'll be a change of mind for my husband!
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. readymade

    readymade Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I am with one of the 'makkaan' in my life. My accomplishments, an adult kid, peak at my career, nice retirement fund (my own savings), insomnia, handful of daily medication and a hero with 'zero' in his account who is closer to his retirement!
    I accept Freddy cat's statement.
    That's what 's going to happen to me too. Only change is having two girls! and all other things are the same.
    GOD should give me mental strength.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,273
    Likes Received:
    1,905
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes,Maakan is the word as Freddy cate says...I really did not mean to degrade them but look at this neeya naana episode and you will be justified...
    YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

    All the village men say they need a submissive wife and the wife should obey their parents.I think they are brought up that way to treat wife like an outsider and only his parents are his family.

    OP,I am surprised by your title.What do you mean his family?His family is you and your kid.If you do not believe in that you cannot take the next step.

    As Silvertulip says,Only person who can change is yourself.Sit with your hubby and plan for your future.Never bring your In laws into picture.These dumbheads(sorry for using this word.But the more and more I read about such people,I have to believe in that) will stop doing any good for the kid too as if you are trying to snatch him from his parents.They cannot think that they have a family and it is their responsibility to keep up the harmony along with their spouse.Good luck to you!
     
    2 people like this.
  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,336
    Likes Received:
    20,011
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Niharika,

    I agree with Bhuvnidhi that you and your children are his family and not his father, mother and married sisters. You need to establish that firmly with him and for that you need to be convinced that his love and life belongs to you first before it is given to anyone else. I don't understand the logic of him not sharing his financial status with you and continuing to help married sisters who have their able husbands to support them. If the parents need financial support, your husband should provide but only for them. If he is a puppet listening and dancing to the tunes of his abusive dad, he is making a grave mistake, especially his dad's words are to make his relationship with you hostile. I am sorry to say this but I have difficulty in accepting him as a loving and caring husband/father. You claim that he is a loving and caring father and husband at the same time listen to your FIL giving hostile ideas about you to him? How can both be true? You got to be clear in your mind first before you fix your husband.

    If he is a good and caring husband/father, he should do the following:

    1) He should discuss financial planning with you for the welfare of your children. Your daughter is his as well and how can he be carefree about his responsibilities?

    2) He has to firmly establish in his mind, he is not going to allow anyone to interfere with his relationship with you. If there is no trust between the husband and wife, that is not spousal relationship.

    3) You both should go to counseling right away to rebuild the relationship between two of you. Merely living together means nothing unless you feel togetherness.

    You have lived so many years with him and you should be able to speak up and tell him that it is time for him to make some decisions in the interest of his family. You have to tell him that you won't let him jeopardize the interest of your children. If he continues not to plan his life and his family's, he is making a big mistake. Tell him that no one like him would be able to help the children when they grow up, unless you both plan your life together now.

    If he is not willing to listen, you can make the decision at that point. He listened to you earlier when you decided not to buy a land. You should try again to make it work.

    Good luck for a very happy life with your husband.

    Viswa
     
    5 people like this.
  6. achoo

    achoo New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel so sad and bad at the same time for you. What a way to live in your young age when you should have a happy family life. Where are your parents in all this and what do they say? This type of frustration is not a good thing for you mentally and physically. Most Indian husbands lean towards their parents when they should put their wife's interest first. Mine was a little like that and helped his parents finacially till they both died. I did not object to that. But I put my foot down when it came to his mooching brothers. Things have changed now somewhat. But my husband puts me before anyone else in the world including my unruly grown child. Leave the guy he has to provide child support I wish you best of luck. Give him an ultimatum and warn him before and if he refuses to change leave and don't look back. God bless you. You can write to me if you feel like.
     
  7. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,933
    Likes Received:
    6,780
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for the link. I enjoyed watching this - what a stark divide between the young women of 2012 and these guys! There are a dozen sociology / anthropology theses in this one episode. The semiotics of the kumkumam (sindhoor) and flowers in the hair is so fascinating - it came up again and again - quite an insight into the Tamizh male imagination ...... aaaah, so very interesting!!!!! Thank you, Bhuvnidhi!
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. chandannasta

    chandannasta Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    347
    Likes Received:
    121
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Niharika2010 god makes very few angels on this earth and you are one of those ok. Whatever loveislife said I was going to say the same thing exactly so I would suggest women are very smart on speaking sweetly and getting their work done easily. So you try to talk with your charm and sweetness to your hubby and try to find out exactly what he needs and then you can get your love back easily by solving his and your problem.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. Niharika2010

    Niharika2010 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All, Priya16, Silvertulip and Anamika99,
    thank you for taking the time to write back to me. It is very true that if I love my husband, I should love him for all the 80% good he is to me. Money should not matter.......it never did matter to me untill I had my daughter.....now I have become so slefish....I keep thinking that for the time I take away from my daughter everyday by putting her in dayacare, should absolutely be returned to her future in terms of everything we make......and when I think like this....Money plays the major part and disturbs me.......Sometime I think....I was much happier in those days, just when I got married, my husband gave me a $25/wk pocket money. I was so happy at that time to buy everything I could to start my new home with that money......Today I make a lot of money, but I am not so happy.....I wanted to have a career to help out my harworking husband (I need to continue to keep my job to accomplish the financial goals established) , but today....HE thinks that I have become independent and don't really need him.....He feels that his sisters need him instead because they express their finanacial needs and cannot earn.....How can I make my husband feel that I NEED him too? How can I make him feel that I want him and also that he is respected?.....we have been more like casual friends since the beginning and today he thinks I donot have any respect for him or his family. I honsetly donot know how I can pay my due respects to FIL, after everything he has been to me and also knowing that my husband totally ignores what FIL was towards me, and inturn to defend he accuses my Dad of something or the other and sets me insane.....But I truly want to make it good for US......but the catch here is that it will only work if I could fake my respects to FIL. How can I be respectful to his parents when he takes mine for granted and says whatever?, I have just never been a person who could hide or fake how I am with people........any suggestions will be appreciated:)
     
  10. Niharika2010

    Niharika2010 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi "Loveislife",
    it is very good to hear it from MAN's perspective. Very true...Probabaly a man has equal priorities for both Wife/Kids and Parents/Siblings....I can say that my Husband is a domestic God untill....I ask him "Why he does not stand by me to defend me or atleast give me the comfort saying "its okay older people expect something, dont take it hard" or something like that to make me feel My Husband takes my side too"......But he flat out defends his family for anything saying......."No they must have never said anything to you like that, I know them, you are misunderstanding"........so when this goes on for years.....all the good I see in him is shattered with that one thought that "he does not defend me"; When the respect expected for Parents is not mutual and it kicks in that his parents are always the best.....I just give up.....So that is where the Aloof feeling that probabaly my Husband does not love me comes from.....it is true that Men and Women come from different planets in how we think.....it gets even worse when Husband is brought up in a Village Joint family and I was brought up in a nuclear family in a city......our priorities and thinking does not match....But to me HE is life.....so I just want to make it work......there is no divorce for any other relationship except the Wife and Husband.....so I think this is the relationship that needs lot of work and attention every single day.....:)
     
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page