My husband is my problem

blueberries · Dec 18, 2007

Hi everyone at IL,

i hv been readng this website for the past 5 months but couldnt take courage to write my problm, as i knw i m responsible somwhr for my own problm. take time to read n gv ur valuble suggstns.

mine was a love marriage. v both workd for the same firm. initially i liked him but thn slowly fell in love, so whn parnts bot anothr proposal i refused n infrmd thm abt him. they wished to c him. next day whn i infomd him abt my felngs n my parnts wishes to c him, he agrd to brng his parnts soon. this made me realize tht he too lovd me. but i was d one to make the first move. 2 months later v wr engagd. soon aftr our engagmnt he got a chnce to work abroad thru r firm n he said tht i was lucky for him. r marraige was forwarded for 2 yrs whn he would return aftr his trip. and aftr 2 yrs v wr married as agreed. he arivd a week b4 mariage.

i was so excitd in the initial period of marrige, tht i didnt realize tht my hubby has completly chngd aftr his abroad trip. he turned selfish, self centred n money minded. thr was no acount how he spnd his money on himslf or friend, but would do so whn spent on me. he would say tht as i also work, i could spnd my money how i wantd. 2 months aftr mariage he returnd back, leavng me in india and i was pregnt too.
my inlaws didnt like me as thy wantd him to mary girl of their choice. so thy ill treatd me, but whn they saw tht i nevr argued back n ignored their bad coments, they soon chngd n startd likng me. i gave birth to a boy n whn he was a year old joind my huby abroad, tht too on my repeated requests. few weeks later i too startd workng n kept r kid at the creche. hubby took acount of my sal n said tht i should run the houes exp with my sal n he would save his to buy r own house in india. i didnt mind. n like any other couples v had r ups n downs.

3 yrs later v had r own house in india. but thn what hurted me was he said that it was his as he bot with his money. he would every now n thn say 'his money / my money', which would hurt me alot. n thn he would nevr help with house work or take care of kid. so whn i was pregnt for the secnd time (inspite of all precautions) i cam back to india. as i noticed tht in the early 4 months of preg he didnt take care of me. mornign sickness n low bp made me weak n inspite of it i hd to take care of kid n house work along with my job. 3 months later he too returned, as the contract was over n they refused to renew. he continued working in the old firm. n i gave birth to a girl.

since he is back, he is grown more agressive n gets angry on me n kids. my parents n his parents tried to make him undrstand, but no use. i told him tht he needs help n v should c a councellor, he wont listn either. whn i tell him tht i wil leave him bec of his attitude, he feels sorry for his actions n says too, but again goes back to his usual self. i hv again started working n r kids at my parents plc. i visit kids evry weekend. life has been going on like this for some time. n inspite of all this i still love him.

can i do/say anything to make him see things and improve him. pls advise.

thnx in advance
Blueberries

lakshmis66 · Dec 18, 2007

Dear Blueberries,

I admire your courage to have come out with your problem. But feel good that you belong to the stronger of the human species and believe in yourself to be able to stride through this bad time.

I am not sure of others but I personally do not believe in counselling. Your husband appears to be a person who needs to tell others that he bought the house with 'his money' which to me tells that he has low self esteem. I have seen people who feel good about themselves will always think about others and share praises with others while those with low self esteem typically talks about themselves as if they had achieved everything on their own and they are Gods gift to mankind. In this kind of person, you need to first make him feel good and get over the low self esteem. That is the most dfficult thing.

Makling a person feel good often involves being very generous with praises. If he puts in 50% and you put in 50% to buy a car say that the car could not have been bought without his contribution and he has made you very happy. It is a very tiring and trying thing to do..........Believe me, I have a husband like that and I do get tired. But I do not see any other way as to how they will start feeling good about themselves.

Look at it this way. God has given you a childlike husband who requires a lot of your love and praise. God has also given you the strength and heart to achieve that. You don't need him to tell you what you have done for the family. You know it. Because you are stronger and you have a high esteem. If he mistreats you, walk away and don't talk to him. He will come to you then.

Believe in God and pray that you will find the strength to help him. Don't keep your kids away. Get help at your home in the form of your parents or ILs to look after your kids at your home. They should feel at home in your home and your husband should have a normal environement as much as possible to see and feel the love including that of the children.

All problems have a solution. It will come when it come. Have the strength to withstand the problems and feel proud that you have the strength to be the better person and the better half.

All the best!!!

Sujimallige · Dec 18, 2007

Dear blueberry,

After reading ur post what i feel is,there has been a lot of physical distance between u both as a couple.
1.After engagement he went abroad for 2 yrs.
2.After marriage again he went abroad and u joined him only after ur kid was 1 yr old!.
3.Again during the second pregnancy u both were away.

This long distance has made him separate from u.I think he has not been able to develop any attachment towards u.There is a saying also,out of sight out of mind.
Now that u are staying together,give him sometime.Be loving towards him.Be how u r when u r newly wed.This might help to develop affection towards each other.U both have not enjoyed life as a couple but already into full fledged family life.From where can love develop in such circumstances (i am not saying that it is ur fault,it is just the situation).
As far as possible try to keep matters between husband and wife and dont let the parents and In laws advice and nag him.
One more request,it was v difficult for me to read ur post.So next time pls use normal english and it will be more easy for the women here to answer ur query.It is not that we ladies here r bad at english,it is just the matter of strain when reading ur post.My opinion,no offense meant.If u want to write the same way,its ur wish.
Gud luck and hope things work out for u,

Suji

Ria2006 · Dec 19, 2007

Sometime I just wonder "Why life and marriage has to be so complicated and tough on most"

I see that your husband needs counselling and medical help both. Counselling to clear his mind that he s just so self-centred. Medical Help, I think acquiring short temper may be symptom of some early disease like hyper thyroid, High sugar, high BP. anything So dont suffer alone. First take all the medical test. You can always convince him syaing ..now both of you are in 30 plus bracket of age. Its good to have detailed health checkup. Go with hi,. Get your s also done.

For counselling , In India i have heared about disguised psychiatrists. You can try that with unwillign person. Introduce the psychiatrist as friend's hsuband or so. Then Invite couple over place. Disguised doc will try and be freindly to ur hubby and he will take care from there on.
There is no harm in seekign help from outside. You have done what ever was there in your hands. Now reach out to whatever help avaible in external world. You dont have to suffer. I clearly feel your husband will benefit from such help.

And second important thing, Dont bear guilt of having proposed to him. Its not wrong. You followed your heart and He must have married for his own reasons. This is very materialistic world, people do thing for their own purpose. Nobody does charity on other person by marrying him /her.

blueberries · Dec 22, 2007

Hi friends,
Sorry, had network problem for couple of days so couldn’t access the net. Just got through, so thought of replying after reading your suggestions.

Thanks Lakshmi, Suji & Ria for you advises. I do understand him more better thn he does to me. And that is one reason I wish to get things sorted out between us.

As for Suji, I m sorry for using sms words in writing my thread as I felt it was too lengthy to write in full English (I just omitted the vowels in most places). Sorry for the inconvenience. I hope you can read now.

Coming to your advises, I have tried many times to understand him and know where all this is coming from, but being a soft person, it hurts most of the time.

Regarding keeping kids away, I felt that as we were most of the time away from each other and even when I joined kids were already in the picture, we never had our time by ourself alone (it will be just for some time though). Secondly as v work v need help to take care of kids, its diffcult to trust on maids, as my parents live in the same town keeping kids with them was the best option, for right now. My inlaws live in another city. Also hubby is not happy if ‘my family/his family’ living with us. After couple of weeks, my mom will baby-sit my kids while I work n I will drop n bring them before n after work.

About medical aid, v do have our regular check-ups and by Gods grace all of us are fine. Ria, if possible I wil try to find disguised psychiatrists to talk to him, as I know he wont hear if a known person talks.

I understand that he does care for us, but most of the time, I feel ‘for him he comes first then us’.

My question is: why do men (not all) do not understand bonkthat their behavior is hurting/breaking their own family?

Blueberries

LSP76 · Sep 24, 2009

HI,
In this time you should maintain patience .Please try to talk with your hubby in free time and when he is in good mood. He is ahaving complete male egoism. He is not treating as (our) family may be he broughtup with individualnature. Please keep your mind calm and bepositive finally you will be the winner in your life maaa.