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my husband , in laws and me having some problems

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonalie, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. sonalie

    sonalie Junior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I feel like I am trapped in a Double Jeopardy from last 4 years and can not seems to find a way out.
    I am a North Indian but studied in an engineering college in Maharashtra small town and then have mostly worked in hyderabad and bangalore.

    My husband was my classmate and hails from different community than me. I got married seven years back in 2000.

    seven and four years of marriage, so you can say that i have not been to my birth place for longer than 2 months a year ( from 1996 till date).

    My parents and his parents had reservation with marriage but it got settled after seeing us happy. we both lived alone, his parents visited often but my parents and one younger brother never came because of distance and their business.

    My brother married in 2002, as i was pregnant, i could not even go to marriage. infact as i was not very favorite of brother because of marrying a different community person, my husband, my brother never discussed his marriage or choice of girl.

    my brother left for usa 2 months after marriage for his job. his wife stayed back for visa as usa job posting was sudden and big jump in salary. i visited my parents place and lived with my parents and brothers wife for a week.

    my parents were thrilled to see me and lovely son, one month old so they devoted time to me. i was very co ordial with new bride but somehow, she felt jealous as everyone in the house was so thrilled to see me come home after 2 years or so and with a lovely baby, that was in 2002.

    my brothers wife left for usa one week of living with me in july 2002 and i came back to bangalore in august 2002.

    Suddenly in february 2003, police came to our house in bangalore and told me and my husband to pack bags as we both were getting arrested under dowry act and we both have troubled my brother wife for dowry.

    my less than one year month son was with me and i had just joined office. i tried to call my parents but came to know that they both have already been arrested with my maasi and my cousin sister and her husband, who used to live 5 houses away from us.

    in hurry, i could not even pack my bags and we were kept in jail with my son from friday to monday morning. my son got cold coming from south india to north india winter. we told police that i havent even met my brother wife for more than a week and my husband has not even met her, he just attended marriage for 4 hours and then came back.

    when we got bail, our case in court continues from last four years.
    my brother and his wife had some fight over some issues while they were in usa and his wife filed dowry harassment 498a case against all of us to extort money from my brother.

    first i fought with my brother why he put my family through such dastardly law where innocents are arrested without proof or absurd allegation. but now i see his situation and i feel pity for him. he says he never asked for dowry of 70,000 rupees as he was earning 200,000 or more per month.
    but police and court take ages to solve this case.

    cases are still on and we have to visit every one month, it has been four years.

    and now my mother is very sick but she is portrayed as villain by my brother ex wife and my father is very sick from fighting court cases.

    my brother cannot leave india and even me and my husband are barred from leaving india without court permission though we keep on getting good offers from usa.

    now these court cases and frustation of innocence is causing problem and fights between us. we make up soon but every time, there is court date, house gets tensed up and some time my mother in laws appears cold to me and i feel so lonely.
    my husband sometimes get influenced, though he does not blame me or my brother openly but continuing court cases are influencing us in a deep way

    i went to national commission for woman, they said we cannot do anything as i am a criminal in their eye.

    am i not a woman.
    what shall i do
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I can totally understand, how painful and agonising it can become. I have seen two of my cousin borthers going through this nightmare. It got over now for them after 4-5 years of mess.
    Take a look at this website, It does have lot of good pointers.
    Fight Against misuse of Dowry laws (IPC-498a) - Get Free Advice

    There are few cues your family need to do to get out of it.

    - You should separately file a case against your SIL and her parents, quoting mental torture and false allegation, You could even add "Maan-Haani" calsue. It will not gain you big victory but your brother 's wife also will have to travel to your place in south for attending each court date. This is manily for increasing pressur on her and her family.

    - Your cousin sister who also were jailed for it, should spearately drag your brother's wife to court. Once there are 3-4 extra court case on your Brother's wife. He family will get it back.
    This happened in my cousin's case. In his case, wife even dragged ex-gf of cousin. Ex-GF was married to diffreent guy. Her family screwed this gal's life by posting 3-4 court cases on her. Finally the case went up to supreme court. And supreme court took strong stand against wife for falsely implicating innocent ex-GF. In return wife took her case back against everybody. Now that cousin is free of the mess.
    - Lodge 2-3 false FIRs(indian police will do everything for some thousand bucks) in your local city (one in your parent's place), one your place. claiming your wife and her family came and beat you guys. Within one FIR, your wife's whole family will be in Jail. One night in jail they will get it. Dont feel morality or anything. Such issues are tackled like this only.

    - such kind of stupid families and gals should be tackeled like this. Dont get frustrated and do feel defeated. The same LAW can be used againts such idiot people. All your family needs is, Be united. Stand together and put huge pressure of 4-5 court cases on gal and her family. she will take all the allegation back in few months.

    Give strength to your father and brother. Your husband atleast understands it. Some fights are inevitable. Just accept that for sometime. Dont bother about in-laws reaction. First you need to put you family together and chart a game plan to come out of it. There is still sanity left in India. Hire best lawyers. Use up all the contacts you may have. Some frends 's police father anything. Just anything.

    And have faith. This is just testing time for family. You all will come out. Keep fighting.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. naazneen

    naazneen Junior IL'ite

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    Whatever happens ask your brother not to come to the India or they will take away his passport and he will lose his job. Also ask him to change and personal email id passwords at once. Because the wife may know these and use it to her advantage. A similar thing happened with a friends cousin. The family(brides) was from calcutta. They had basically made it a family business. They had 3 daughters. Their modus operandi was get the daughter married then from the beginning the girl was "collecting" data for a dowry lawsuit and to gain lakhs of rupees. She divorced him in 2 yrs, wrote nasty emails in his name,basically set him and his family up. It was horrible the poor man was put in jail,his passport taken away he was unable to keep a steady job. Parents went through hell. Really there are these cases and then there are the JEnitha of this world- its a scary business.
    ~ N
     
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  4. Troubled7

    Troubled7 Bronze IL'ite

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    I just happened to read this...this is so mind boggling.
    Most females here support this crazy law - but in bad hands and vicious minds this is AK 47.

    I am not "anti female" but I do believe in gender neutral laws.

    I think this law breaks families - just imagine if ever your brother's wife realizes her mistake and repents - would she be taken back in your family ever ? answer is precisely "NO".

    As you mentioned, case is still running for 4 years. Also your brother's wife would not find a groom for her another marriage knowing her history of filing 498a. If at all she finds somebody he most likely will be "guy with a low esteem who would otherwise would not find a girl"

    If you do not get along in marital life - separate amicably - but "CRAZY WIVES" use this law to screw innocent lives - and people with no white matter or grey matter in their brains come and defend them with arguments about females have suffered so men should suffer....which include lots of females on this forum.

    Somebody rightly pointed "common sense is not commonly found" - it seems so much true on this forum.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2012
  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I totally agree with this - gender neutral laws. But the reality remains that gender neutral laws will work in countries where the genders are treated equally. In a society like our's the unfortunate reality remains that women are still at a disadvantage - I was about to say after marriage (but then realized about the inequality that reigns right from the time they are conceived) and hence the law makers have been pushed into making such laws for their protection. Unfortunately there are loopholes which need to be sealed (though even after that, any accused persons will have to go through the long process of the law, till proved innocent) and incorrigible individuals who make a business of fleecing the ILs will be able to make a living out of this kind of law. Two wrongs do not make a right. But that is how things work. For ex. until a few decades ago, there was class discrimination in our country. There are still so many reservations (with new ones being added each day) to compensate for the crimes of the forefathers and today (after so many decades of giving more than equal opportunities and despite many such so called "underprivileged" individuals coming from well-to-do families with all facilities) many genuinely "underpriviliged" (say because of financial constraints) people are being deprived of a legitimate right to work in government or public sector undertakings only because of such laws.
     
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  6. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Omg! My hugs to you OP. I really really feel for you. My husbands friend is getting divorced. His wife too is trying to extort 50lakhs from him. They hardly stayed together for weeks....

    What a stone heart she is - to get you into jail with your baby. God is watching OP. she will pay for this.
     
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  7. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    this is the real reality of life...my friend had to go through this...her brothers ex-wife filed for a dowry case over them..it took them 9-10 yrs to finally end the case..after filing for it the girl and her parents,themselves,stopped coming to the court since 5 yrs..so thats why it took just 9-10 yrs,LOL!!..a law misued,at times.
     
  8. Troubled7

    Troubled7 Bronze IL'ite

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    Time and time it has shown that wrong set of laws do not help society be it reservation or dowry.

    As we have known that in the reservation area the advantage of this has been taken by affluents from sc/st who in reality do not need any help. Instead reservation based on economic capacity has been long suggested but government trying to benefit from cast politics would not like to pursue it.

    In my class of MBBS - people from sc/st enetered with 50% marks where cut off was 90%. They could not compete eventually and failed. Also they were from wealthy families and really not dalits.

    Your argument about "gender neutral laws would work in gender neutral society" is without any solid support. Infact if you look at Europe/USA - these societies were not "gender neutral" a century ago and women had to endure terrible hardship but lawmakers with right mindset came out with gender neutral laws and it benefited society - how much again I am not sure.

    This gender biased laws are not helping anybody. It is a tool for taking revenge but that is not any of us wanted - what we wanted was to eliminate the dowry which has not happened with this strong crazy law. So clearly it did not work. Instead, many of people eventually would decide not to marry or stay in relationship without marriage - long term effects of these will be as follows:

    1. disruption of wonderful institution of family
    2. More single moms
    3. Broken fragile childhood with these kids growing up as dysfunctional adults
    4. Eventual breakdown of social structure


    Once again time and time it has been proved that you can not enforce love or harmony with force and this crazy law just makes it even worse.

    This law ensures that its user (the wife who files 498a) has temporary feeling of vindication but then there is nothing but misery because she would never be accepted back by her husband and no person in his right mind would marry her - so eventually she turns out to be a big loser which is evident from some of posters here who had filed it.
     
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  9. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Troubled7

    I am not gender biased at all. I agree with all your points. But in India there is misuse of laws everywhere.......all infuencial, rich people are escaped from judicial system by bribing....

    Everyday here in indusladies we are reading many threads about in laws torture, mental/physcal harrassment from husband, in laws......every day in news papers we read women suicide or murdered because of dowry, in laws harrassment. But I never ever saw/read/heard anyone recommending/suggesting victim to file 498a against her in laws. So I think proportion of harrassment and defense is not same. Moreover people like your brother's wife is exception I think. Married women with kids always wish their kids well being and happy marriage life.
     

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