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My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Why he has to keep in touch with his cousins and extended family members regularly like he did before marriage? That too without his wife's knowledge?
    Why such kind of expectation from a married man?

    Would you expect a married woman to remain unchanged even after her new life?
    As women, we do change a lot. Our priorities change. Our problems change, and everything about us will get changed after marriage. With all that, it takes time for us to revisit our older life.
    We women even lose touch with our best friends after marriage.
    For me, everything came back to normal only after some 5 good years. Even then, our lives will never be the same again.
    Just that, we understand it and accept it.
    No one expect me to find time for my siblings and cousins (leave alone extended relatives) when I have my other priorities as married woman.
    Same applies to men as well.

    I know how my bro's life has changed after marriage. His priorities, his schedules, his way of life and everything about his has changed altogether within a couple of months after his marriage. That's how he got adjusted with his new wife who was raised from a different place.
    My bro used to meet my son on his way to work daily and that was kind of his priority before marriage. He would often play with him, and get him expensive toys back then.
    Everyone in our family were amazed at the way how he loved his nephew.

    After his marriage, he slowly reduced his visits to our place, and eventually stopped talking to my son on a daily basis. Now that he gifts only for his birthdays.
    But it doesn't mean his love for his nephew has changed. He still loves him the way he loved him before, but his priorities have changed. He doesn't have anymore free time, and free money now.
    Besides, he has a wife, and whose opinion on everything he does becomes important to him. That's his life and choice.
    It is important that we accept this and respect the new couple.
     
    salad, abla, nandinimithun and 9 others like this.
  2. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Sometimes we have to get rid of the rigid feeling that some people have. Me, my husband/wife, my kids and sometimes my parents alone are the priorities of few in life. Human beings can't blossom well with this mentality. When one boasts about taming his/her spouse to this mentality and if the other person adjusts to their demands, there is surely going to be one silent sufferer. Let each one of us have the guts and freedom to maintain good relationship with cousins and siblings like before their marriage. Else we could teach our children to be reserved and not speak to relatives, from the day their born. Why a change in dealings after marriage. Yes I understand that full 100% attention can't be given, but the general manners like to talk and meet once in while should be there.
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I think you have analyzed the case wrongly. Sorry if I am misjudging here.
    It is not about isolating oneself after marriage, it is about prioritizing.
    I used to chat with my besties, and we were on group calls most of the nights only to chit chat about the gossips about our other mates for long hrs in nights before marriage. That was kind of our best time past back then.
    After marriage, I had to suddenly drop such long calls, and sometimes my besties would omit me in such conference calls knowing I would be busy with some or the other matters in my marriage. Of course those initial days of dinner making, eating out, movie nights and of course our best nostalgic moments after marriage was our priority than participating those chit chats with the besties in conference calls like earlier.
    It doesn't mean I under valued my besties, or didn't want them in my life. It was just that I had other priorities around the same time, so I opted not to participate in those chit chats after marriage.

    Then kids came, problems came and so much other priorities like career, exams, travelling, health issues etc came as well. So, I had to completely forgo those chit chatting moments with friends. With time, all of our friends eventually got married, and had their own priorities, and the group- (those days no whatsapp, just a conference call in mobile, ) eventually died a natural death.

    After 5-6 years of marriage life, we all feel well settled, and got some free time in hand to roam virtually to locate those long lost friends back again, and create a whatsapp group to continue similar kind of chatting all over again. This time, we don't fix any time, as we know we can't simply prioritize this chatting session in our life anymore. So, it is a very flexible and low prioritized group now.

    This is how life changes whether you liked it or not.
    There are people who continue to remain unchanged regardless of the stages in life. But they are few, and we can't expect everyone around us to be the same.
    Again, it is wise not to expect a married man/married woman or anyone with a new priority in life to remain same.
     
    nandinimithun and blessed like this.
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Yep I very much agree that priority changes definitely after marriage, it has happened to all of us, when I got married my whole life changed from day 2 itself, suddenly I was transformed from an young adult to a mature married woman, attend to the needs of my in laws, taking the responsibility of the my hubby's food, etc etc,for a girl who knows nothing but going to college and returning home, chatting with her cousins/friends and this drastic change shattered me, I don't know how many times I would have cursed my father for pushing me in to this kind of life at a tender age of 20.5 years. But in spite of this busy schedule I always kept in touch with my cousins , sisters and best friends because for me that was only the happiness I could get.
    Abruptly stopping all contacts really hurts, by keeping in touch with us he is really not going to loose anything.
    Any ways he is my nephew and I wish him happiness in his life always
     
    sindmani, NeetaR and paru123 like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Here you have the answer for all your concerns.
    For you, keeping in touch with your cousins and sisters were the only happiness that you could get after marriage. For him, being with his wife, and spending time with her, and doing stuff with her probably were the biggest happiness as a newly wedded man.
    Again, you must understand the fact that different people can have different priorities.
    You must be happy for him, knowing he is busy and occupied with his new life/wife to the extend that he finds no time to maintain his bachelor life anymore.
    After all, we all wish such kind of husbands who spends more time with the spouse and less time on-line/on phone or on laptops with friends.
    Your nephew's wife is one lucky woman I guess.
     
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  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with sgbv that priorities change after marriage..I was unable to keep in contact touch with close friends, classmates and cousins after marriage as married life, the responsibilities and adjustments of being married took priority..also the first one year was really really problematic and I was so very depressed and confused, I dint feel comfortable sharing problems with anyone..that doesn't mean I don't love them or value them..same happens with my friends and classmates, who all got married and started family one after the other... No one expects me to be available to attend all social occasions or to participate in group chats at any time, but to just keep in touch during my convenient time.. I keep in touch now and then and definitely wish them for anniversaries and birthdays as when my time and memory permits..if there is any chance to catch up I definitely try to make it. But surely the closeness is not as much as it used to be years ago, but that's to be expected.
    In today's busy world, it's a hectic routine for all married working people, with household work, office work and hectic commute to and from office..family time becomes limited and in this limited time it's not expected that one spends all the time just talking to cousins and friends only..but it's expected on weekend or on occasions.
     
    blessed, Sandycandy and sindmani like this.
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Blessed - Was he keeping in touch with his folks prior to their trip?

    Uncles and aunts etc go on the back burner when you have a family and it isn’t all that uncommon to not keep in touch until things settle down. What is quite unsettling is not going to the airport when parents come on their very first trip, not spending enough time with them and sister, not making them a priority when they are here on a short visit.
    Don’t mix the two up. He will get back in touch with cousins and extended family and restart the communication eventually. What won’t fix itself is the chasm between the parents and the son. That’s probably where you have to guide your sister a little, when she is able to listen. She’s probably going to be bitter for a while but she has to talk to her son and get things sorted out. It’s best you stay out of those conversations. It’s a personal experience. Every one of the extended family member is not forgiven because the aunt asked something. Everyone is kept at a distance. Your nephew is now someone else’s husband. It’s best you show him and his wife your affection but stay out of controversies and issues with parents. Support your sister though. She’s probably heartbroken over her son’s behavior.
     
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  8. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmm this point din't strike to me, for me he is still the same nephew who I remember changing his diapers, running behind and feeding him, I couldn't take his sudden change in his attitude, perhaps we have to accept these changes in more positive way, thank you SGBV , your post is really making me think and take things in a lighter way, hope my sister calms down soon and I will try my best to bring her negativity down towards her Son and DIL .
     
    sheztheone, abla, Sandycandy and 4 others like this.
  9. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    True, I am no way interfering directly with my Nephew or his wife they can easily say " you are nobody to ask us anything" even if they do so they are right any ways.
    I have to support my sister because she is very hurt and depressed right now, when the situation turns normal then I will convince her about the reality of the lives of our children and try my best to counsel her. The problem is my Mom is with her right now, I feel she is aggravating the situation to more worse, she is like on and on talking about my Nephew's younger days like what he was and what he is right now... I have to get my mother here with me for some days...probably my sister then will get some time to think and talk to her Son and DIL, waiting for the situation to improve and everything turns normal soon.
     
    abla, Sandycandy, Laks09 and 2 others like this.
  10. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,



    Definitely be there to support your sis and take mom away from her so negativity is reduced.

    But please don't counsel your sister to now start keeping in touch with dil. It is like rewarding bad behavior.your sis should not make the first call to son or dil and maintain her dignity and stay away.

    If the son call , then she can let her disappointment known . He did this knowingly and don't let your sis bend backwards and set a precedence for future bad behavior from son and dil.

    Actually prepare to face such future disappointments like when he visits India he may do a token visit again for 1 or 2 day . She should be strong enough to ignore him when he does that and
    Show him the same hospitality which they showed.


    If you guys demanded a lavish wedding then its your fault but if the girls side gave a lavish wedding according to their wishes , I don't think there is anything to feel bad on your side. Your sister spent good amount and presented red the bride with decent jewels , if the bride was expecting more then it is kind of reverse dowry. If the son was expecting more , he should have bought it himself.

    Also maintaining a relationship is two way street , Dil can also start calling mil.

    Just tell your sister when time comes and son suddenly remembers mom to come and help with kids , say no. Getting married does not mean you forget other most important relationships in life .
     

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