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My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    But I would defend her. If she is wrong, then almost all of us here are wrong too.
    Because some of us fought for our dignity, and some of us felt pity for not being able to fight for our rights. Either way, as DILs, we wanted equal respect and love for us and our folks.
    We expected our spouses to understand this and be neutral in spite of getting confused with their personal-past relationship with their parents.

    The DIL hasn't done any crime here. We are not sure what has happened between the couple or between the DIL and SIL here.
    Assigning all the blame on the woman for this hiccup is not right.

    If your sister is proud that she has raised a level headed son, who is adult enough to balance his life, then she mustn't be worried about her DIL's brain washing and all that after their marriage.
    Perhaps, her intelligent son senses the issue and protects his wife from the type of abuse that his mom went through in the past.
    Perhaps, her intelligent son senses the issue protects his beloved mom from getting insulted for her mistakes. Because he knew the difference between the DILs of those days and DILs of today.

    let's respect his judgement here
     
    SCA, shravs3, StarsInCosmos and 2 others like this.
  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV I'm neither defending nor accusing the DIL. I'm not commenting upon the couple-I'm only talking about the mother's role here who it seems did not put any effort to make relationships good but to make them worse, just due to ego issues. And my comment is that a mother can be more accomodating for her child's sake.
     
  3. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    @blessed , Whatever your nephew did was not at all good. But whatever happened we cannot change it, better to think how to sort this out now. How come he changed so suddenly? You mentioned he was a very good person, I don't think marriage brought a sudden switch over in his behavior, that too with in a short span of time. Definitely there is some issue or misunderstandings among the family members. But it is not good to push the issues under the carpet and give silent treatments, end of the day they are a family and having issues / misunderstandings is quite common in families. Life cannot go on like this, if silent treatment prolongs for long time, then there is a chance of more detachment and gap between the parents and son.

    IMO, your sister should speak to her son openly and find out the reasons for his behavior. If he is under some misunderstanding, it's your sister's duty to clear as he is still young, after all he is her son and it's her duty to correct her son. If needed she can talk to her DIL later after finding out the issues from her son. If she gets a chance, then better to have a family meeting with son, daughter & DIL and talk openly and sort out the issues.
     
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  4. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Going forward all parents of boys and girls need to see their child's family as a different one after marriage. Most keep formal relations with their daughter's family but when it comes to son's family, they want to have a say in everything. Let's not keep any expectations with dil just like the son in law and then only their son will be able to live a better and peaceful life.
     
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  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:This could be the true and different perspective. Lateral thinking and other side of the coin. Hearing, listening could be untrue only seeing direcly reveals truth. Out of hundred and one comments in this thread #101 stands out glittering.
    Thanks and regards.
    God Bless Us All.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  6. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you SGBV for your detailed analysis and sincere opinion.

    To be honest my sister and family knew before hand everything about the grand wedding, DIL's parents went ahead with the plans only after getting consent from their daughter and her fiance, in turn the Son was communicating with his parents regards the venue, list of rooms required...etc etc brides parents were even good enough to share pics of decoration, menu, etc. Frankly speaking we were all well received and enjoyed every bit of the wedding, and the pre-wedding /post wedding functions as well. Bride and groom were here only for 3 weeks vacation, after the wedding Son and DIL could spend only last four days in my sisters place, so DIL and Son left before she could hardly get to know her husbands family.
    My Sister is a nice lady, No I am not telling this because she is my Sis, basically her character is soft spoken , doesn't like to indulge in any arguments loves peace at home, has very few friends and won't initiate any conversation , probably this is the reason she could not communicate with her own DIL.



    He was responsible enough to commit that he shall pay it back for the gift. He could have brought the same gift to his wife directly. But looks like he wanted to highlight his parents' generosity before others (specially before his wife and in laws) at the wedding itself.
    Perhaps, he wanted to clear some bottle necks around this marriage matters, and show how great his parents were, or how welcoming and loving they were to their DIL.
    There was no valid reason for your sister's family to limit/restrict the gift as per their choice. Looks like they felt a moderate gift was enough for their DIL. But that wasn't a great welcoming considering all these baggage :(

    Well said,
    the initial welcome of the DIL into the family is so very important, but what I feel is the DIL should see much more beyond one materialistic ornament, how her in laws family behaved in that four days also is very important, we tried our best to make her feel at home, our family alone around 30 of us went to send them of in the Airport when they were leaving to US.

    I really don't know what happened in these 10 months, I am sure it would be small

    miscommunication / misunderstandings and no chance of any major arguments, I know my sister very well she would never raise her voice even to her servant maid and definitely she would never spoken in harsh tone with her new DIL.

    This is an eye opener to all this generation MIL and future to be MIL's never have any expectations to be disappointed later.


     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2018
    SGBV and sindmani like this.
  7. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes we promised ourselves that we will different in laws, we thought we will never interfere in our kids lives whether its a Son or a daughter. Even if we keep our communication and interference to the minimum , we are taken for granted, to be treated with love and respect for 20 days was a default expectation from my Sister and BIL which drastically turned upside down.
     
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Glad that you liked my comment/FB.
    Regards.
    God Bless Us all.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Different in laws is a very vast subject matter.

    Interference and communication is very important to keep the relationship alive. Keeping it minimum creates the distance and that is not healthy.
    Instead of keeping it to minimum, why can't you try to keep it healthy and enjoyable.
    You can call your son and DIL almost daily with zero expectations from them.
    You can help them, you can console them when they are in distress, you can pass positive vibes when they are in bad mood, you can encourage them, you can fix their problems, you can give an ear to listen to them.
    There are so many ways to keep your interactions and communications positive.
    You people need loads of support from the elders, and perhaps they do not know how to frame their problems, how to handle their problems. Even a very small matter can put them off.
    The best resource that elders have is their experience. Why can't you use your experience to positively encourage your kids.

    When I was carrying my first child, I had faced this unique problem that caused me low amniotic fluid.
    The Dr advised me to take complete bed rest till the delivery, so that my condition can improve; hence the baby will be safe.
    Since none of my family members have experienced this condition, we all started to panic. My BP got raised, and I felt bad thinking about the worst each day during my last trimester.
    My MIL's interference during those days were horrible, that she comes with a complaint each day to say what mistake I did to be in trouble like this.
    She would misguide me, and force me to go for walking against my Dr's advice.

    But her cousin was so sweet, and caring then. She would share all the positive experience with her DD during her hard times, and how every problems vanished eventually. She would encourage me to pray, and share the positive dreams like how see wants my child to be, and how lucky he will be to have a protective mom like me etc..
    Each day will be a blessing to have her around. My mind felt easy every time she shared something hopeful, positive and miraculous then.
    Finally I delivered a very cute, healthy kid :)

    So, interactions are important. But make it positive.

    Keep your expectation very very low. Don't expect son or DIL or even DD to give you grand welcome and priority. But enjoy if such a thing happens. Cherish the moments with them. But respect if they have other priorities.
    Don't make them feel guilt or uncomfortable for not being able to be with you when you are in need. Instead, make them feel relaxed by telling you are fine, and it is ok.
     
  10. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    @blessed, I think your sister needs to talk to her son and clarify the doubts. We don't know why he did what he did.
     
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