My H Is Going Insane At Home

sanjuruby3 · Aug 7, 2020

lavani said: ↑

I am very sorry to see what you are going through. It is very sad.

your intentions are noble to not split . i respect it. but at the same time, you have to take actions to reduce so much chaos in your life.

I can suggest hire a full time resident nanny to help with kids. that will reduce a lot of pressure, if it ok with you. seems like your H is not going to change, i consider him a loser who has no reason to get married and make others miserable around him.
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yes he is.
He will realize when he loses his family. Not a single day he sits with them or takes them out. We never have single meal together. All i wanted on weekends and weekday dinner was to sit together and eat. He would never or come or even if comes to eat, will keep yelling and watching phone. My kiddo will keep telling we should not watch phone while eating, but no. So same thing now she does. Food is on table, she does not listen or come or eat.
so end result, we all eat in our own spaces. Older one does not even eat. She just eats cookies.

Nanny - yes i am looking, full time ,no because she will see this drama in our house.

sanjuruby3 · Aug 7, 2020

blindpup10 said: ↑

I hate men who do this. Respect, understand "your wife" rather than compare and drool over what the other women do. Next time he talks about your SIL- please say that if you were a homemaker- he would have had a 3 different meals, laundry and iron clothes, clean house, and kids cared for.
But instead, you bring him $$$$$ home, cook, clean, take care of kids is what he chose.
Give him an ultimatum next time you hear SIL's name in the house. You will quit and do exactly what she does. Challenge him if that will make him STOP comparing, cussing, throwing a fit when things get hard.
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about job- so many times, it happened. I will quit job, quit it.. not doing it for me. Though he knows whatever money he spends for india, tickets and he gives money to his house, it comes from my bank.

Yes, I want to spend some me time in the night but my kids sleep at 10-10:30 pm because of him.
After that I get so tired and moreover my office work i can never do daytime because of taking care of kids all the time..
Evenings he will sit on sofa, watch tV etc.. easily. Once dinner done and kids upstairs he will slowly go to do the dishes and take easily 1 hr and do it like he is doing favour on us. Basically he will sit watch and then slowly do things, watch phone...Older one will not let younger one sleep till he comes upstairs. He does not come upstairs because he does not want to come upstairs. Meanwhile I am getting killed upstair with 2 of them, trying to sleep one and scolding other...
If he practively lines up dishes, he can do dishes quicker and kids can sleep earlier. Then 10:30 -11 he comes, my younger sleeps afte that, what energy i am left with to even do my office work...basically it is suffering.

DDream · Aug 7, 2020

Learn from him

"if you think it is important you do it. you have lot of time you do it." Use the same sentence back when needed.

"He is the one eating at one place, never picks his plates till the end ofday"- if he complaints about cleanliness, say first you clean your plates and then complain.

Stop doing things for a week except the bare minimum. See his reaction, completely ignore him.

My husband used to always compare me with his mother on cleanliness. For him even a dust particle was a problem. It was tough with two kids ,full time job and no help. He helps to clean once in a while,but expect me to maintain it. How is it possible. Kitchen needs cleaning all the time. See my reply above#3. I used to tell him, I am not your mother, if you want her type of service go and live with her. You can use the same. If Bil is good mention his good things when he mention sil. In my case it made him so unhappy. But it worked. Taste of the same medicine. But slowly I learned that completely ignoring his self talk is best for peace in my home. So I ignore it as if I have not heard . So he stopped talking like that.

When your husband talk, he is expecting some reaction. Unfortunately you are giving it a lot. That boosts his ego and encourage him to do more. So stop giving him that reaction. He should feel that his degrading efforts have no effect on you.. bring SIL and others name is his trick to upset you and make you feel guilty. Don't fall into that trap.

Op, if you expect your husband will volunteer to do things,you will be disappointed. Instead ask for help. Men need clear instructions. If he do it, that's fine if not, you can do when you want to do.

If you think about it again and again, he won't loose anything. But you will . You get stressed out, became negative and develop strong resentments. All those will affect your health. So spend maximum time thinking about you than him.

When he treat you as an option and a convenience why you treat him like a priority. So live your life. Plan well and enjoy with kids.

Hope your venting helped you. But if you keep thinking about it again, you are forcing yourself to go through the same pain. So divert your mind, do what you can. Do household jobs only when you feel like doing it, completely ignore his useless complaints.