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My Friend's Husband's Illness

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by nayidulhan, Dec 6, 2016.

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  1. Nov 9, 2021 #11
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You were considered a supportive friend of hers by all including her. You were not part of a fundraiser to help her. No one mentioned anything to you. This is odd. It could use some reflection on your part on why you were not informed by anyone, why/how it didn't even come up in a conversation.

    Step back. You are doing too much. Either what you are doing is not welcome or you are preventing her from slowly taking charge of her life.

    Your dilemma is a common one. There are enough guidelines on how to talk and help right after a death or at the funeral. In the days that follow, there is no clear path for those who want to help.

    I would suggest you keep in touch by text. Stop repeating "I am here if you need help." Instead give routine updates from your community.

    Don't directly ask "how are you doing?" The unsaid gist of your messages should be to tell her "I am thinking of you." and to remind her "I am just a call away." Use the community updates to stay in touch with her. You could write about the bills or staff coordination things. Keep it brief and don't require a response. So: "If you'd like me to pay the abc bill, let me know." Don't go into the bill's due date and what might happen if she ignores it.

    This is what I would do. However, there are people who would simply show up at her house, give her a big hug and let her cry it all out. That could even be the little push she needs to move forward in the grieving. It depends on what kind of support she has at her mother's place and in general other than you who is there to help her.
     
    Rihana, Nov 9, 2021
    Rihana, Nov 9, 2021
    #11
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  2. Nov 9, 2021 #12
    Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP it's difficult to be in your position. When I was in a similar position (of lesser magnitude) I went out of my way to help the friend. As Rihana mentioned I showed up at her house to hug her(through she wasn't there), I sent n number of texts. No reply. One day she replied she needs time to grieve and she will come back if needed. It's been 1.5 years now she hasn't come back nor I texted again. It only made me think I should not have done what I was doing.

    What I learnt is : no matter how close she is let her take time to process the situation she is in and get back to you. Every person deals their sorrow differently. She may not really need you or anyone else at this point of time.
     
    Anusha2917, Nov 9, 2021
    Anusha2917, Nov 9, 2021
    #12
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  3. Nov 9, 2021 #13
    DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I can follow your thoughts.
    First, give her enough space and time to process every thing. You can text her that she is in your thoughts( dont expect any reply, as some people dont respond when they are upset). If you feel that you have given her enough time, try to visit her in person( in my native place, physical presence is given much value, in these situations).
    That may give you much clarity. If she is still not ready to communicate with you, respect her decision and take a step back.

    I think these steps will solve your dilemma and give you some satisfaction that you did what you are supposed to do. Rest is not in your hands.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2021
    DDream, Nov 9, 2021
    DDream, Nov 9, 2021
    #13
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  4. Nov 10, 2021 #14
    nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear PurpleRoses,

    Thanks a lot for your kind words. You said you wish you had friends like me. I say that I am thankful for you – for your kindness and appreciation. God bless you!

    I really wish we could all work towards making this world a happier, friendlier and more comfortable place for everyone.
     
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    #14
  5. Nov 10, 2021 #15
    nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Rihana,

    Thanks for your balanced insight.


    Could you please elaborate this? I cannot comprehend it completely. I too found this odd initially but I was told that the friend's husband and the community at large consider my attitude towards her and her family more valuable than any $$ I could contribute. I did not think much about this later as my mind is completely occupied now with her well being especially mental well being. I am saying her mental well being (and not her family's) only because her child started attending online classes within a couple of days and seems completely engrossed in his work. from the looks of it, he's tied up with tests, projects and assignments. He has a healthy participation in the class and engages well with the teacher and other students.

    Also, like you said, I may actually be doing too much like you said, Rihana. I know I should change that part of me. The day I change this aspect of my personality I will be a saner person for sure.
     
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    #15
  6. Nov 10, 2021 #16
    nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Anusha2917,

    Thank you for the post. Reading your experience saddened me a bit as your good intentions are yet not appreciated. However, it has opened my eyes in a way... That friend of yours may have been overwhelmed by your concern and her consequent guilt laden conscience may be responsible for her behaviour. Also, the part of the world we live in plays a big role in deciding our course of action. Like in India, condolence visits/ messages from relatives and friends are considered unavoidable, inevitable and necessary. However, certain societies like those in developed countries appreciate the immediate family of the deceased to be left alone. Both these approaches have their pros and cons.
    Does your friend live in a western/modern society? If yes, her response may have been shaped by her surroundings. Nonetheless, whoever it may be and whenever/ wherever it may be, one day the truth, the intention sinks in.
    You never said that you are expecting her to get in touch with you or any such thing... I just shared my POV on this. Please take it in the right spirit. :)
     
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    #16
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  7. Nov 10, 2021 #17
    nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear DDream,

    Thanks for reminding me that some things are not in my hands. I will message her with the belief that like before my concern will be reassuring for her and obviously with the best of intentions. However, I will be patient if she chooses not to respond. May God bless her and her family with the strength to bear with this situation.
     
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    nayidulhan, Nov 10, 2021
    #17
  8. Nov 10, 2021 #18
    Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly! That was one reason to show my concern to her n walking to her door. Here in India it's exactly like you have mentioned.
    Yes my last message was " Please take your time ans take care " :)

    Anyway this thread is not about my incident. Just shared my experience of something similar.
    Hope you find a solution to this and your mind is at ease.
     
    Anusha2917, Nov 10, 2021
    Anusha2917, Nov 10, 2021
    #18
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  9. Nov 16, 2021 #19
    nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Anusha2917!
    Thanks. Your replies have helped me a lot. :)
     
    nayidulhan, Nov 16, 2021
    nayidulhan, Nov 16, 2021
    #19
  10. Nov 16, 2021 #20
    nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Silver IL'ite

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    I am sharing here the happenings of the last 4-5 days now. I messaged my friend. It was a short message indicating that I am (have been) thinking of her. She replied. She said that she wants to send her child over to my place (for a social visit. and we have been doing this always). I replied in the affirmative.

    Next day, he was here. The whole day. He returned home late in the evening after dinner. My husband dropped him home. My friend and I were communicating on WA. Mostly about the logistics of the little boy's visit.

    She called the following day. The call lasted for just a couple of minutes. She asked me if I could visit her the next evening. I agreed.

    When I went over to her place, a few of her close relatives (her mother, MIL, etc.) were around. I talked to them for some time and then they moved out of the room we were sitting in. My friend talked to me about her neighbours and a few of our friends. What she wanted to be done with/ about them/ things concerning them. She asked me for assistance with a few of her pending things. Then she said that she wants to assign the task (to a close male relative of her husband) of making an exhaustive list of the donors who made contributions for her husband's treatment. She will ask the relative to return every single penny to the donors since the amount was donated for her husband's treatment and will not be used (required) now. She asked me for my opinion. (I don't know... I didn't ask her... how she knows that I know about this donations thing).I just nodded. She also told me that her staff and delivery boys (suppliers) have informed her of all the payments I made on her behalf. She thanked me for that.

    Initially I was comfortable only listening but when she started asking questions, I started speaking. At the end of the visit, things between us were like before.
    By God's grace and with the support of all of you, my dear IL friends, things are good once again. :)
     
    nayidulhan, Nov 16, 2021
    nayidulhan, Nov 16, 2021
    #20
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