My Friend's Husband's Illness

Dear Friends,

I am facing a strange dilemma. My daughter goes for a class twice a week and I have made friends with a lady whose son comes for the class there. Over the last few months, we have grown considerably close. However, I knew her as well as her husband’s families’ background for several years now (we are from the same town shifted to the same city).

She is working part time in the mornings and her husband is a reputed doctor. A couple of months back her husband developed a lump in the head. So they (the couple) went to a big reputed hospital for treatment. They had stayed for over a fortnight for the treatment. When they came back, she told me about their experience and said that she was thankful that the tumor is not malignant. I gave her all the emotional support I could give.

Just yesterday, a senior doctor under whom this friend’s husband works, mentioned to a close relative of mine (since this senior Dr came to know about our friendship) that his is actually a strange kind of bone cancer and that he has only 7-8 more years of life. He also mentioned that all the concerned doctors know the case well and have come to the same conclusion. He also said that the young Dr (my friend’s husband) must be aware of all this (being a Dr himself) but his family, including his wife, know absolutely nothing about the seriousness of his illness.

My friend is a lady of few words. She doesn’t have too many friends that she’s close with but for some reason, we have grown quite fond of each other. And this fact has been really painful for me to handle. I have lost my sleep from yesterday.

On the one hand, I feel she should know everything so that she does not get a shock later. So that she can plan her and her little son’s lives accordingly… to make as many memories with the husband/ father. On the other hand, I know this news will break her completely (any loving wife will not be able to face such a scenario). What should I do? I cannot tell her that I know the fact but I want her and her son as well as her husband to live as good a life as possible under the prevailing tragic circumstances. How should I go about it? On one side, I feel I should not directly interfere. That I should just pray, pray and pray a lot for a miracle for my friend’s husband’s long & healthy life. On the other hand, I feel I should give her hints about spending more time with him, fulfilling all the dreams they aspire for themselves, etc. God! I am really confused. Please guide me.

 

Dear Friends,
I am in a strange situation. This friend lost her husband. A few things that I feel the reader should know beforehand...
1) I interacted with the Senior Doctor a few days back. He is a deeply spiritual and humane person. He talked to me how "preparing" for any situation is important. One thing he said that haunts me even now is that when we are fully aware that although the time and place are unpredictable, death per se is inevitable. Why do we then still break down when we lose a dear one? Because we are not emotionally prepared, he said.

2) This friend and I would interact very regularly but we never discussed anything about her husband's illness. I feel she was never comfortable doing that with anyone. She would only mention that the future is uncertain and that she thinks that she's not capable of raising her child single handedly. Several members of our community and common friends had come together and deposited cash in the bank A/c to support this family (my friend was aware of this) but absolutely nobody (not even my friend) mentioned anything to me. I was taken aback when I learnt this fact from a senior member of our community. I asked why I was not informed about this as I too would have liked to contribute and he mentioned to me that the whole community and especially my friend's late husband were of the opinion that the emotional support and affection I extend to my introvert and not so confident friend is priceless. That what I do for her and her family cannot be equated in $$. I had no answer to that.

3) Whenever we talked, she would ask me questions (to start a discussion/ conversation) about the cause-effect, reason and purpose, etc etc and would generally end our talks saying that talking to me/ being in my company is the most reassuring for her.

3) I had attended the funeral but she wasn't there. I was told that she is at her maternal home and has left strict instructions that she should not be visited by anyone. I respected that. I only wrote a short message to her saying that I am available in case she needs me for anything. She read the message after several days but there was no reply.

4) I have been doing all that I had been doing for her before. I am coordinating her staff timings. I paid some of her bills that I came across. (I have done this off and on in the past and she would appreciate it.)

There is absolutely no communication between us though. My dilemma is should I try to get in touch with her? On the one hand, I know that she is rarely vocal about her feelings and needs to be reached out to. On the other hand, I feel she needs time to grieve. What should I do?

 

After much deliberation, I now want to get in touch with her over a message first. Then follow it up with a phone call or a visit. Could someone please point out the how of it all to me. I mean I want this to be comforting for her although knowing her well I expect her to take a very long time to come to terms with it all. What could I say to her? What else could I do for her?