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My friend is like a caged bird help her

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanabijay, Mar 9, 2010.

  1. sanabijay

    sanabijay New IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    Just now I came from my friends house .She is in great depression. I thought you all can help my friend.

    Her DH is M.E in Mechanical working as an operational manager with salary around 35 lakhs.Her problem is that he will not buy anything for her.In DH house, only he is educated like this .He will listen to only his FIL,MIL ,BR,Sisters.My friend got married around 10 years.Last year FIL MIl were there for 9 months.All these days were so horrible for her.Evening when DH comes they will start telling complaints about her and DH will start shouting at her.Today only she told me all these in detailed.Till this he has not bought gold for her.For MIL he gave 45g chain.You can imagine a person getting this much of salary not having a house.Now they started construction under the leadership of his brothers and they are cheating him.He is sending 2 or 3 lakhs whenever they ask.She has no right to interfere in money matters and cant say anything about his relatives.He will not buy clothes for her.When she goes for vacation somehow arrange money will buy alone.I went to her room her computer is so old when she asked to buy a new one he just changed the part saying not to spend money unnecssarily.His DH complaints that you are simply sitting at home and not even allow her to go for job not for money just to mingle with others.She is like a caged bird
    Please give your opinions about this so that i can help her
    SANA
     
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  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Is divorce an option on the table? Personally, I would lean towards that if I were your friend. I have no use for a husband who treats me like a third class citizen and is in love with his parents and neglect me 10 years after he is married to me. But then that is me. Your friend has to do what is best for her situation and does not sound like she wants to get out of this marriage if she has managed to take this rubbish for 10 years.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I'm not a big advocate of divorce, but I'm tending to side with Malavika on this one. The reason being is, after 10 long years... it's VERY unlikely her husband's attitude is going to change. And although she's somebody's 'wife' and is hence golden in the eyes of society.... what is it really worth? She can't even get a job or spend on herself or make friends! And her husband loves his parents and siblings more than her! Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah others might say 'love can't be compared'....uh, yes it can.

    The reality is she is second rate compared to his family, and he doesn't care for her as much as he does them. Some women suck it up and bare being second best their whole life, and they make it work. But there are many of us in the world (like myself, maybe like your friend too) who might not be happy playing second fiddle to our husband's parents and siblings and will NOT compromise on that. In that case, it comes down to a tough decision. Do we make it work with the guy we're with, or do we break the relationship we're in and search for love again? Personally, I would strike out on my own and leave the marriage, because my values say that a spouse comes first in the relationship, WAY BEFORE parents and siblings. So what your friend needs to do, is look at her values. What are her ideas on marriage? What were her expectations and what is the reality? Also, she should think that ten years from now if things are still the same (which they will be), will she have a lot of regret for not leaving the marriage sooner?

    And last but not least, your friend should ask herself... if she even loves this guy! Like, what are her reasons for staying in the marriage, and what would be her reasons for ending the marriage. If she wants to stay married at all costs, yet wants to take some control of her life, she could always try to get a job and then see what her husband says. If he complains or threatens her to quit, your friend should explain that she HAS to get a job because he is not supporting her like a man should... and that although he earns big, she never seens a penny of it! Also she would need to have a frank talk about how she didn't like his mom's 9 month visit and how it turned into a bitch fest and either 1) doesn't want mil to come to the house anymore or 2) will allow them over so long as mil and her son (the husband) can behave themselves.

    Your friend can try all this stuff, but to be honest, 99.9% it's not going to work... because if her husband was the type to CARE about her feelings and listen to her needs... these last ditch attempts at saving her marriage wouldn't be necessary. I think though by trying to reason things out, at least it will show your friend what a jerk this guy really is, and may give her the strength necessary to move on with her life.

    Maybe you could advise your friend to join Indus Ladies too. :)
     
  4. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sana, Your friend is not caged.She has chosen to live in that cage for ever.I could not imagine somebody living like this for 10 years.

    She needs to be independent .That is the key here.If she stops expecting things from him and not depend on him.

    You know these kind of men can leave the wife anytime if his mom wants to get married to somebody else.Not to scare you but you can see a lot of cases around.Either she should act now to change him or she should be prepared for anything to happen.

    Let her pick up a job first.Sharjah I beleive is very similar to Dubhai and not as strict as Saudi.Let her join the local groups there(probably ILs in Sharjah or Sharjah living or whatever) and she will gain cofidence once she starts moving with the group.There is no point in arguing with him as I think she must be under his sponsorship.He needs to give an NOC for her to work and a load of NOCs for anything and everything.Let her first get a job then hopefully her confidence might do the magic.She might start dealing with the issues in a different angle as well.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  5. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Has she spoken up and expressed her grievances? What has she done so far to improve her situation?
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  6. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    OP, I forgot to ask. Why won't her husband let her work? And if he won't let her work, why the bloody hell is he complaining that she is sitting at home doing nothing? From your account of the story, it sounds like this woman is being treated really bad being abused verbally, emotionally and neglected by the husband and this has gone on for 10 long years? What is the silver lining in this marriage that your friend sees, if at all any? My vote still is for divorce. And your friend should start learning to be independent. In the modern world, it is highly essential that women be independent and not depend on their spouse to support them or having to depend on them for financial needs.
    She needs to make up her mind and get out of this marriage for her own sake and self esteem because the way I see it, this marriage is a big sham and its some oppressive, chauvinistic man's idea of keeping a woman for namesake wife and treat her like a lump of tofu.
     
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Question is what has the woman done to resolve the situations other than complaining to OP? If she is unable to assert herself to get employed or make her life better, how is she going to suddenly have the guts to walk out and make a life for herself independently? Does she have a support system that will help her?
     
  8. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    I would think she can get a divorce settlement and alimony payments? Maybe her friends and family would support her after the divorce till she gets her on her own footing? Allegedly according to the OP, she wants to work but her husband won't let her and then on top of which she is being yelled, screamed and nitpicked on by husband and in-laws and she is caged, so getting out of that oppressive environment will help her make clearer choices and she wants to be a free bird? If she has the drive to be a free bird, then she can make it if she gets out of the bad environment that is putting a damper on her ambitions.
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Even if the OP's friend DOES manage to get a job and her husband DOESNT cause a fuss... is it really going to make a difference? I mean, the lady will still be in a cold and loveless marriage. What is the point on putting icing on a rotten cake? Even if she wins this one small battle, the war will rage on. I feel, life is like a package deal, and the friend should take into account her total situation... not just the job issue. A job would be a wonderful thing because it would get her out of the house, making friends, and becoming independent.... but many of her emotional needs will still go unfulfilled because at the end of the day, we all need (and deserve) a partner who does more than just the minimum. A job can't take the place of a good husband. Even with a job she'll probably still feel like something is missing in her life. This is sad... I hope your friend finds herself in a happier place someday.
     
  10. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    ASG,

    I think we are making very wild assumptions here. The OP is not the person going through the situation. So we have only a second hand interpretation of the emotions of the subject.

    The friend might be venting after a recent fight with her spouse(people are highly emotional and vulnerable after a fight with an air of gloom-and-doom about them). Not enough data points IMO to recommend the big D.

    Btw, where is OP?
     

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