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my first misunderstanding with my MIL - need your inputs

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Mitraa15, Jan 25, 2016.

  1. Mitraa15

    Mitraa15 New IL'ite

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    sorry for the long post, last year I married my love of my life, now I am 12 weeks pregnant. So far I dont have any issues with my MIL, till last week I took care of her as like my mother, Sometimes I showed more care on her, she showed the same. everything goes fine..relationship btw my mil and co-sis is not as as good as like us. My co-sis is also pregnant, 1 month senior to me. when she was 11 weeks, my mil not allowed her to go to her cousin home which was just 15km away from our home, saying its not safe to travel in cab, when 3 month is not completed.


    2 weeks back, we planned for a family visit, 100+ km away from our home.we all planned to go by our car. At that period I was just 9weeks pregnant, my husband initially worried about me whether is it safe to go by car, since we need to travel up and down (200 km) in single day and I have back pain too. I was more confident that nothing will happen because my DH is gonna drive the car, I am ok with that. My co-sis was in 4th month, she was not interested to travel, but due to my mil compulsion she came. On that day morning, my MIL just changed the plan, instead of going by car we will go with our relatives who are traveling by Van. Actually she already told this plan to my DH the day before evening, my DH was so stubborn that I should not travel by van, at any cost we will go by our car. If mil interested she can go by van. we two will come by our car to that place. But in the morning she changed the plan and made us to come by van, I was totally upset with that. I clearly told her I have back pain and also I took around 4-5 times vomit per day, its not safe to travel by van. so we will go for car. But she said its all fine, its a big van,seats are more comfortable, whenever you feel like vomitting we will stop the van. after that I didnt said anything, My husband tried to explain her, but she was stubborn in front of our relatives. So me, dh and my co-sis, bil, mil all traveled by van. I was crying during the entire trip, thinking about my mil. when my co-sis was in 11weeks she didnt allow her to travel 15km in car, but now she want me to travel 200km in van. I dont know why she did that, but that entire day I was crying. I started to think since I was so adjustable they are just using me. If it was only me I was ok with that. but this affects my baby too. my mil always tell me I will took care of you like my daughter, after this incident I started to doubt her words.


    After this incident I was not able to be normal with her. I showed a long face. not talked much to her for 2 days. I dont like to see her face. I went to my maternal home last week, just today I came here. now my mil started showing her true color, she is not talking with me and showing a irritating look. and answering all my questions in 1 or 2 words. so far, I have not come acrossed a situation like this. Her actions are really hurting me. I feel like crying, but I dont want to cry for these ppls, since it will affect my baby health too. In the past 1 week,she also told to my husband that my co-sis is far better than me, even she had back pain, she is just 1month more (13 weeks preggy) than your wife still she dont have any negative comments. And even if I scold her she wont show a long face, she will just talk to me in next minute. But your wife have not talked to me for 2 days. she wont take care of me, blah blah. when my husband told this to me, I was really hurt, I did everything to her as like daughter. So now she is saying bad about me. I was ok with that. till yesterday I thought I can able to handle her. even if she talk anything bad, I planned to ignore her. But now in practical, I think its not possible, mil answering my questions in 1 or 2 words and she is ignoring me, its impossible for me to not to talk, as like what to cook? do you want coffee or tea, just basic questions. And I am a beginner in cooking she was the one who is teaching me the dishes.


    I know I didnt do anything wrong. If I dont like anything I cant act that I like it. now really I started disliking her.


    If you are in my situation how you guys handle this problem. is there anything wrong from my side?? we are in joint family.reg my DH, he wants me and my mil to have a good relationship. Yet I didnt inform him about MIL cold attitude. now I have a doubt which is her real face this one or the past caring one. I will be more happy, if @yellowmango, @rihana, @SGBV answer my post.
     
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  2. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Maybe your mil wanted to go with relatives.Thats why she made you all go in van.Just let it go.If she is a good person and takes care of you otherwise, just dont think too much about this and let it go.Your thoughts affect your baby also.So forgive and move on
     
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  3. Mitraa15

    Mitraa15 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply. Yes I have moved on. but now my MIL is not talking with me. showing cold attitude. thats the problem now. My husband explained my point of view to her, but she is not accepting that. I tried to have a conversation with her today but she is not responding to anything. am confused, I didnt do any mistake. then why should I bend myself to her ??
     
  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    As you were hurt and unhappy to go in a van, u showed your displeasure by keeping long face and crying.

    May be when ur husband wanted to take u by car and conveyed the same to ur MIL , especially when it happend again infront of relatives, I think ur MIL took it as ego issue, she wanted her word to be heard by all (she wanted to show to relatives that u and ur H listen to her).

    otherwise in my view, it is not big thing if you both or u both and bil and co-sis go in a car where as they go in a van.

    And u left to your place, with out talking much to her. When u came back she showed her displeasure same way as u did. let it go now, u be normal.

    But,
    if you ask her again and again and try to please her, it will become a habit, they will get their way and again u have to be asking sorry etc to them. So now don't bend backwards, enjoy ur day as usal.

    If she doesn't answer to any questions, u leave the place and take ur decisions. like what to cook, if she does not answer, go and cook what ever u feel like.
    And even this incident doesn't happen (van thing) also, if I I were u ,I don't ask what to cook, I cook what I feel like as I am the one cooking so I should take decision. (Unless some health issues for somebody and I need to know, that u will know within few days of living with them)

    Good thing ur H supported u, so don't talk much about this and let it go, so ur H will know ur MIL is the one holding on it, if she still let it not go .
     
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  5. Mitraa15

    Mitraa15 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much, your words are very supportive. Now I feel more better :) I am a beginner in cooking, so I always ask what to cook to her. Even for dinner I asked her, what to cook. she said do as you wish. Then I didnt talk much. I cooked myself. From now onwards, I will change this habit of asking what to cook. I moved on, but now she is hanging on it.

    In the past 3 months I did everything to her as like a daughter, I expected her to understand my uncomfortable to travel in van. but she didn't get it. I was fine with that, since I have not talked with her for 2 days, she just exaggerate all my drawbacks to bad things to my DH. which I was not expected from her. I learned my lesson and already decide to be in my limit now. In the past months even I feel like nausea and got back pain I did all the work she told me, and from morning to eve I was the one who take care of her, from morning coffee to bed time milk. she too treated me well. before this incident I was in very bad condition, took more than 7-10 times vomit per day. so I didnt go to kitchen, and started hating the smell of milk.After this incident she is saying to my DH that I didnt took care of her well, I didnt give milk at night time or coffee in morning to her. I was really hurt. as a mil she need to take care of me when I was in bad condition, but she expects me to do the work even in that case. really I didnt expect this from her. am not sure whether she is good or bad one

    sorry for the long post. I just want to tell it to someone.
     
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  6. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    And just FYI, going by van or car will not affect the baby in anyway. Your baby is tiny enough and cushioned by a lot of fluid, so bumpy rides won't do the baby any harm.
     
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  7. Mitraa15

    Mitraa15 New IL'ite

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    yeah I know that, but the point is my MIL dont want my cosis to travel 15km before completing 3months, but she wants me to travel 200KM in 9 weeks. thats the problem here. And in chennai , roads are too bad, its not at all safe to have a long travel in this road that too after this flood.
     
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  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Just make sue that don't make drastic changes in how u do things, slowly do it. Anyway, u r pregnant soon u will reduce work and later u will get busy with baby,

    same with ur co-sis, then who will serve morning coffee to night milk to her? instead she would be helping u both dils. so one time u take care, next mil will take care (hopefully).
     
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  9. jillcastle

    jillcastle Gold IL'ite

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    Feel bad for you. A pregnant woman's wishes need to be given first priority.

    I just wanted to remind you that you are letting your husband go off the hook easily. Its nice that you tried to have a good relation with your MIL, you tried to explain her, and I can also understand your hurt she dint care about your back pain. But your husband takes most of the blame. What if she threw a fit before all relatives? The husband should have stood his ground and told his mother off and that he cant take risk with his pregnant wife. Had I been at your place, I would have been more upset with my husband's reaction or the lack of it.

    Instead of trying to please her, I think you should sit with your husband and make him understand how let down you feel (if you havent done it). But since he already tried to support you, you should convey to him in a more matter-of-fact way and leave the place to allow him to think on his own. Men think better when you tell them your opinion and leave it at it, instead of nagging.

    Just wanted to share what I felt, but I truly feel sorry for the way you were treated. Hope you feel better after sharing here.
     
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  10. ssrgopal

    ssrgopal Silver IL'ite

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    1. My 2 cents...
      1. You are pregnant and also in the 1st trimester, it is very normal to be highly emotional as your harmones are playing its role. So, if you feel so low even for normal things, understand this fact and choose to IGNORE some small things that bothers you.
      2. Travelling 200kms in first trimester is not really advisable. You will be better only by 2nd trimester.. it is actually the best time for travelling. You should have AVOIDED this trip at any cost, I am sure no one would have mistaken you or DH as you are pregnant. Some places you just learn to say NO.. atleast from now on. Your comfortness is much important than anything else.
      3. Your MIL is actually feeling guilty or I am sure any of your relatives must have scolded her for dragging you for the trip. Top of all you also was upset with her, so she is showing her face just like you did. Come on whatever it is end of the day, even between daugher and own mom also we have ego issues. You guys are MIL and DIL, so this is nothing new.
    2. Time to learn cooking dear, yes you will fail for 10 times.. but 11th time you will know the right proportions to use. Dont try anything fancy and don't strain a lot. Simple and healthy food should help you know.
    3. Ignore MIL's comments, if possible tell DH not to pass them to you. In my opinion your DH should not even bring those to your ears, as it will affect you emotionally.
    4. I am sure, things will be back to normal in few days. Just be normal and take care of your health.
     
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