My FIL is a gold digger

ProReal · Feb 10, 2010

AJ,
After coming onsite I only went to India 2 times... and we did not know about all this huge loan during the first time. I am a very very sensible shopper and know all the deals around. Also I dont decide on the product, I go by the price. Like if a watch is cheaper I will but it, whereas if a makeup set is cheaper I will buy it.

Maximum I would have spent on my family in the 6 years of marriage during my India trips will be 2000$. I do pay them when they need it like my dad's surgery or my brothers wedding but please understand from my perspective.. after 5 years of shelling every penny I had on my IL's I want to do something for my parents and family also.

I think I will first have my husband tell them that I am checking the accounts, so he cant spend too much. Then I will say a big NO for anything else other than their monthly expenses. If both doesnt work, I am going to ask my SIL's inlaw.. he will be a good financial advisor. The story of this mess will go out of the family, but I think it is time.

vimala1957 · Feb 10, 2010

it is so painful that parents do this to their own children. A matter of worry too for you. Now that you will have one more little life to take care, you ought to be more careful and calculative.

Your ILs coming to you would only add to your expenses, apart from all other problems. So you must tackle the situation wisely. You and your DH , both need to thoroughly think about all the matters and decide. You need to talk and act rightly at the right time.

Happy anniversary to you. Enjoy today and then think of what is to be done.

SriVidya75 · Feb 10, 2010

PR

Dont get me wrong here! You are expecting and this time is for you to take enough rest and be positive and maintain good mental and physical health.

So reg. this money issue dont fret too much now, atleast for the next few months until your delivery.

Yes take some initial steps but dont try to pull everyone in (like your SILs inlaws etc) into the picture. World doesnt have to know or do anything about this issue. Its you and your husband. Yes if your SIL is on your side in this matter, let her know that you wont pay her anything even if she helps her parents...and that you guys would take care of the living expenses of your inlaws but not anymore additional funding ..Be firm and am sure shetoo would passon the info to her parents.

As we know now, he is feeling emotional to say NO, he knows he is doing wrong, he knows he is being used, and that his father has to stop all this, but not being able to say NO to his parents is his drawback.

So jump in and tackle that. You start saying NO, Just prepare your husband to pass this info to your FIL, and am sure they would start bickering about this approval process. Start the first step of telling your FIL that as baby is on its way...you wont send as much money as you guys used to like before...there are lots of expenses and doctors fees to take care of here. one NO one time...you guys would be ready to say NO the second time

As far as selling the house is concerned, yes market is a bit down and however just like buying, selling also takes lots of marketing/advertising and effort to get back what we invested. So why dont you try to delay this a bit (might be next round of India trip you guys can try to do something about it???) as am kind of having this feelign that your FIL wont take initiative or put in much effort to sell it, even if you push him...he might end up selling for half the price its like again a set back for you guys...dont push him to do what he doesnt like...atleast selling the house..it might be again another pain to pay for losses..

Now even if they happen to come to US in 5th month (one way i look at it as good, because if they are here you guys would have full control over their money spending..) try to look at it in positive way..because the more you resist the more it would become tough for you to adjust to them when they are around...whether they are going to come or not...just be open to the idea of they comign over early for the delivery.

This is your first pregnancy, enjoy and have some peace of mind..am sure these financial issues can be tackled one step at a time.

GiJoe · Feb 10, 2010

Bringing them here and keeping them under control will be impossible, if they can be so dramatic and convince their son to do everything what they want when they are so far away then they can do much more when they are right in front of him and you have mentioned he has health issues so he will require medical insurance when he visits USA and if he has any medical issues once he arrives and has to be hospitalized then it will be a huge cost and most of the visitors insurance in USA will not cover pre-existing conditions.

ajain35 · Feb 11, 2010

ProReal,

I can understand that some expenses are unavoidable, but just try to see what can be avoided.

You need to sit back and first figure out all the options you have. If you can't sell the house can you put it out for rent. Maybe your parents can share it with someone. How about a paying guest? I thought property rates in India are stable and at the least not going down. Anyway, try to figure out what you can do? If you can, ask advice of someone who is more closer to you and more sensible with money. Make sure if you sell the house the money from it goes towards paying debt and not to your inlaws.

Honestly speaking, if you were my sister, I would have given you a nice little scolding on handling money matters so carelessly. You have so much loan and you did nothing. You have to decide what you will pass on to your children: loans like you inlaws or a bright future with financial stability.

Take care of yourself and the little one. Do not act in haste and take decisions that are firm.

Best Wishes
-AJ

ProReal · Feb 11, 2010

Yesterday I spoke to my husband and told him I will deal with money matters going forward that ways if his parents ask for more money he can blindly say that I am handling it. He says that is fine. I am going to do it for this month.
Also DH is going to India next month for a short trip of 2 weeks and I have asked him to speak to his parents... I actually wrote an email to him and told him. "I think your parents think we have lot of money, you have to make them understand that it is not the case. We are struggling and really cutting costs so we can afford their luxuries. If they were even little considerate of our expenses your father will not send a whole list of things he would like us to buy". DH has told me that he will definitely talk to them in person when he gets to India.

I hope things work out. Thanks a lot all of you and AJ, go ahead and give me a good scolding. I deserve it :rant

ajain35 · Feb 11, 2010

ProReal said: ↑

I actually wrote an email to him
Click to expand...

Don't worry. Everything will be alright. Take one step at a time in right direction and you will come out very soon.
Have a great time and enjoy your pregnancy.

ProReal · Mar 24, 2010

Hello
I want to first thank you for your advice. Last month I did the accounts and we realized that we will be strapped for cash this whole year and will not be able to pay any of the loans with all of the interest, his parents expense and our expenses every month. I explained to my husband and showed him all the projections for this year. He understood the situation.

Now he has gone to India and he told me that he has talked to his parents. His father kept repeating that it was a mistake let us not talk about it. My DH told him that "It is a mistake if you did it once, but you did it over and over again. You also misused the power of attorney and you gave me some fake bill saying you paid the amount when you did not". His father dint say anything, just assured that we have no more loans. But we may have to pay the interests to all these people for the last loans (He had taken close to 30 lakhs from broker kind of people who give money for interest. We paid back the main amount to most of the people but itseems he didnt pay the interest for one year). My DH said we cannot pay, you just explain to this people etc.

I am very relieved now.. I was worried that his father is still doing some cranky business and will come up with more and more loans (like it has been happening for the past 6 years). Atleast now, we have no more surpises and can concentrate on how to plan for our life financially. Since I dont have a job it is going to be all the more difficult, but we will work it out slowly.

Thanks very much .. you all gave me a direction in the midst of so much financial confusion.

aruna_077 · Mar 24, 2010

Dear Pro,

You are really a very strong woman. I commend you on that. Seriously and highly patient and supportive towards your husband.

If I were you I would have separated from him a long while ago. I really can't think of how did you live this for years.

Shame on such parents who make their children's life so miserable.

Foundlove · Mar 24, 2010

Dear Pro,
You are amazing..You will get through this.your Dh is supportive so count your blessings.
About getting in laws here tell your DH that at the time of pregnancy...woman needs her mom..and because of all these issues you want to keep some distance.
After baby is here and is 3-4 months..they can come...

Try this...also ask him "If you get a surgery or major helath issue who will U want with you"?
Obviuosly his mother..so you tell him straight away that you want your mother only.

Take care.
FL.