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My FIL is a gold digger

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ProReal, Feb 9, 2010.

  1. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,
    This post is going to be long so please bear with me. I want to tell you about my FIL and the damage he has caused us.

    FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE - SISTERS WEDDING LOAN :
    We got married 6 years ago. My IL's are dependent parents and so my DH only paid for his sisters college and her wedding. She married into a very rich family (Love marriage) and my FIL wanted to do a very lavish marriage. My DH had maxed all his credit cards and borrowed a lot of money for the wedding. Then we got married and in the first year of marriage all we did was repay all the money he owned for his sisters wedding. I did not work that 6 months but we felt we cannot manage financially with one person's salary, so I left my husband and moved to a different place for a job.

    FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE - HOUSE AND LAND LOAN :
    We barely finished this sisters wedding loan when my FIL wanted a house. My DH asked me and I said we anyways need a house for them so let us take a loan and fix one. My DH took a loan from a bank and because he cannot go my FIL was given power of attorney. We took loan first for a land and another loan from the company for a house. My DH told his dad not to exceed the amount but my FIL borrowed money and built a big house. When we went to India, he said it went slightly higher so we have to pay just 2 more lakhs. We borrowed that money from his sister and paid it off.

    SECOND-THIRD-FOURTH YEAR OF MARRIAGE - FIL's BUSINESS :
    Then my FIL started boasting about some business he is doing, how he is going to earn crores of rupees etc. I warned my husband saying if we dont invest we wont get crores you ask your dad etc but my DH never did. Anyways, they always demanded money.. more money and we kept sending it. Finally after 3.5 years of our marriage we came to US. Just months before we came to US we invested in a house in the city we work. My FIL came to see it and sarcastically said, its a small house. Not even half the size of my daughters. I was very angry at this but never said anything.

    FOURTH YEAR OF MARRIAGE - in US :
    When we came to US, one of my DHs school friends wrote an email and said your father owes my father some money. We never knew FIL was borrowing money and my DH asked him. FIL immediately denied, after numerous rounds of back and forth, he said yes.. I have some loan just 12 lakhs. My DH was taken aback, we had no money with us and were already paying EMI for both the houses. Immediately my MIL said if you cannot give I will ask my SIL.. my SIL paid the money on the condition that my DH will repay it. So now we had another 12 lakhs, apart from the 2 lakhs we already borrowed from her. Not to mention the land loan, the native place house loan and the city house loan.

    FIFTH YEAR OF MARRIAGE - in US :
    We asked FIL a 1000 times and he said that was the only amount he owes. Then he fell terribly sick, like in death bed. (I wish something had happened) but we spent lakhs of rupees and he was alright. After he became alright, the bank to which he had power of attorney called my DH and said you owe us money. Now my DH had already paid them back and my FIL had even given us a receipt. Later we came to know that FIL had taken that money we gave him and created a fake receipt and gave it to us. So he misused the Power of attorney and taken 2 times the loan we knew off. They also pawned all my jewels.

    Today is my wedding anniversary and I am really tired of my FIL and MIL. I am now pregnant with our first child and due in Sept. My DH wants them to come but I barely spoke to them in the last 1.5 years after I realised they cheated us of so much money. All me and my husband are ever doing is saving every penny, not going on trips, not buying necessities etc and paying his stupid dad's loan. I hate them so much that I cannot even think of celebrating the anniversary. My husband is nice and he keeps paying off that cheat of a father.

    Ladies, please advice. I dont want them to come when I am pregnant or when my child is born. I hate them and am sure their presence will only make matters worse for me. They are inconsiderate, gold diggers and all they need is MONEY.

    Please help!
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    ProReal,

    Don't loose your Anniversary.
    I believe this is not right time for your husband to call his parents. Politely tell him that, during pregnancy and post pregnancy people are very emotional and physically and mentally week. So you can't handle them in your house. So let us not call this time and we will think about it later. Tell him you need some one who can give emotional support.
    If say something again ,tell that you are there with him all the time and supporting him and can't you support me this time.
    What about your parents? Pregnancy and in-laws never be a good combination. Enjoy your anniversary and don't loose your heart.
    You and your husband handwork will pay one or another form. You may bless with great children or something else. So don't worry on the past and please don't agree to call your in-laws. This is not a time
    :notthatway:
     
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    The best way to approach this is patience.

    First of all enjoy your anniversary and take care of yourself for your child.Your ILs will be in your life so you can oly delay thier coming.

    Tell your husband that you would love to have them.However in the post partum period a girl needs her mom..You will be learning to breast feed etc and its embarrassing in front of ILs.

    Also ask him a question"If you ever have a major surgery..do you want your mom or my mom at that time" Pregnancy is similar too...Do tell him that please invite them after the child is 3 months old...Thats the best time a skids anyways just stick with mom..

    About the loans..do keep paying them but pay yourself first always..every months salary save $100.....and tell your husband ..this is for a vacation...when you have enough..just go..

    Good Luck.
     
  4. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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    First off, don't ruin your anniversary for this. Celebrate! Next year it won;t be the two of you, do something special.

    Second, see what your legal options are. I am not sure, but you don't have to tell your inlaws. Try to understand if you are protected in anyway. For everything that you and your husband paid, your names should be on his will.

    Lastly, don't keep a grandchild from its grandparents, its cruel. I know they are cruel, but you know.. it cannot be justified in the end.

    Take care of yourself!
     
  5. ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    Sad!!!
    Tell you hubby that now you are pregnant and you want to plan for future of your children. You want to give them best education just like yourself and hubby and so you have to start saving money for yourself and children. Tell him that although he is a wonderful son but the future generation might not be as nice as he is and so when you will be old you will have to take care of your finances yourself and your children may not be able to support you.

    Then tell him all that you have written in this thread. Tell him very patiently and in a calm voice that over past few years there have been loans, loans and more loans and god knows how many more loans might be hiding under.
    Tell your husband to fix a reasonable monthly sum to give to inlaws which should be sufficient to take care of their food and with which they can afford a house (rented if required). Tell him that you have done enough for you parents and just give them enough so that they can maintain a reasonable living. Tell him that yes it is selfish to ignore demands of parents and not take care of them but for your children you have to become a little selfish.

    Talk to your husband atleast once. He may not agree immediately but give him time. Once you talk to him and he doesn't look like agreeing just tell him to think over it because it is now not a matter of you and him but your children.

    You need to get over your loans or else you and your hubby will just burn yourself out.

    -AJ
     
  6. ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    Seriously... every time I read your message I feel even worse. It looks like your husband listens to you. You say that he asked you before fixing a house for your inlaws. So why don't you try talking to your hubby once.

    See you are a nice DIL. You have done so much but ofcourse their is a limit to everything. Talk to your hubby. Does your hubby have some friend who he respects a lot and can put some thoughts in his mind about being more aware financially.

    You can post a message here but you are the one who has to take some action or be prepared to see yourself and your children in no man's land. I am not able to understand how you could let this happen to your children?
     
  7. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    Do people like this really exist and they call themselves a father? I have no words to describe his action.
     
  8. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Yes GIJoe, Inlaws like this do exist. We also gave him money so they can buy tickets to visit their daughter when she was pregnant. They went and told her in-laws, you take the ticket for us and tell our son that we gave the money to you. Her in-laws really like the both of us and he told mg IL's, I cannot lie to them and apparently they begged him to lie to us - which he did not.

    AJ, yes I have talked to my husband numerous times. He also feels that it is unfair but does not know what to do. Also since FIL was so ill, we dont want to say anything that will suddenly cause more health issues to him. We only keep borrowing money from his sister and his sister is his best friend, but she is very strong. Last time she told him.. dont pay them anything.. he did not take the loan after asking us, leave it. That time he had 32 lakhs in loan.

    Thanks Priya, MrsV and FoundLove, I dont want to keep their grandchild away from them.. but I dont respect them at all and I feel they will not be a good example to my child. I have now told my husband we have to save some money, but we are always short of money and to make matters worse I just left my job last month because of some serious health issues.

    I really wish my FIL did not exist.. but well, he is probably going to live another 40 years knowing my luck :) [Sorry, dint mean to sound so BAD, but I my anger is killing me]
     
  9. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    He has a weakness (money) and you and your DH have been encouraging his weakness and making the situation worse, cut off all money that directly lands in his hand and ask someone who is close to him to provide counseling on the value of money and how to mange it wisely. I hope he has not pawned the house you guys helped to build him, get the original document from his hand and keep it in a safe place; you should have not left your jewels with him you should have kept it in a locker or at your mothers place.
     
  10. ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    See it is a great thing that your husband understands that something is not right. And 32 lakhs of loan...:crazy wow... you must be 'super rich' to be able to withstand such a huge amount of loan

    One way for you to get out of this is to tell you in-laws politely that you cannot take anymore loan as you have to do planning for future of children. Maybe you can talk to you MIL and tell her that financially you are not doing good. Do they even know that you are suffering because of them? And what do they do with so much money? Your husband has to do something, maybe like fixing a monthly pension for your inlaws and just stop there. No more taking responsibilities of loans taken by your FIL.

    If your husband does not say anything.. then you come forward and tell them enough is enough. You might be rude and maybe no longer a nice DIL but you have to do what you have to do. C'mon you are going to be a mother. Can't you be strong and defend interests of your children? Where are your motherly instincts? With so much loan do you want your children to carry the burden of your FIL's loan?

    You are in US. Why do you have to tell everything about your finances to your inlaws? Can't you protect your own hard-earned money?

    Unless you are very rich and a sum of 32 lakhs is reasonable for you, I do not see the reason why you can't put your foot down and stop all this nonsense. You PIL's are taking you lightly and believe no matter what they do you are there to finance them. Your husband is truly amazing to be doing so well in his career in-spite of having such parents.

    The thought that your children will suffer because of all this really scares me out.

    As an example in my real life, my grandfather took some loan from a friend. This friend seeing that my grandfather is in no position to return the amount called up my dad. My dad said to this friend, "you didn't ask me before giving the loan, so why are you asking me to pay it back. ask the person to whom you gave the loan." After that the friend never called my dad and I do not know what happened thereafter. Does this mean my dad was a bad son? I wouldn't say so. He had fixed some 10000 rs monthly to be transferred to my grand parents account and that was it. They never cared what my grand parents did with it. And my grandparents understood that to expect more would be an exercise in vain.

    Take only that much responsibility that you can fulfill. More than that and you will make your life miserable.

    Sorry for the long post.. but I really feel sorry for you.
     

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