My Ex.girl Friend

Hi,

I am having a problem with my wife and need some advice from the ladies here. My issue is that my wife is bringing up my past mistakes almost every day which is ruining our life recently.

I am totally at fault here because I did not behave like a good husband when our marriage life started 12 years ago. Before marriage I had a girlfriend and due to lot of misunderstandings, we split and I married this (otherwise) lovely girl.

I told my wife about my past and promised that all is forgotten. After a month, I got a call from friends of my ex who requested me to come and have a word with her because she was undergoing emotional issues. I met them and advised her to forget things and marry someone . She apologized saying she has flirted and hurt me a lot. She promised that she will stop all flirting but asked me to continue talking to her. I said I can't do that but on her insistence spoke with her over phone. This is my 2nd mistake.

Things were smooth until I heard she is roaming with someone. Somehow this rattled me (my 3rd mistake) and I don't know why but I met this guy and said don't roam but get married to her. Only then he told me that he is going to marry her and started fighting with me saying I cheated her. I calmly said I never cheated and she is aware. But the situation suddenly changed and this crap ex showed up and said I cheated and she has never roamed with anyone which is a complete lie. It is all my mistake. Problem became big and these guys called my wife and informed that I am troubling her. My wife was very innocent here and it was my mistake 100%.

After this, my wife started searching for all the things in my house and she found few pieces of paper where there was a reference about my ex. She ensured she destroyed everything. She started asking questions to my other friends (who were incidentally girls) when they tried calling me. I understood this is 100% normal on her part and I parted ways with all friends. No contact whatsoever since then. No regrets. All I needed was to live happily with my wife.

Life went on and we had a kid. We moved from one city to another where her native place was nearby. I was very flexible and sent her to her house every week for the first 6 months. After that I started resisting saying please avoid visiting your house for each and every good and bad. The worst part is she at this stage will stay at her native place for weeks and gradually we started losing intimacy. I spoke with her and mentioned how lack of intimacy is killing our life and very frankly told that I am getting bad temptations. I requested her to stay with me as I was undergoing a professional turmoil and needed her support (mentally and physically).

But she was hell bent on going to her house once in every 3-4 days. When she gets back, she started fighting saying her mom is not happy with our savings style. I promised that I am not extravagant and things will improve. She should not listen to her mom who started comparing my way of dealing things during my wife's pregnancy with someone in their village. I wasn't happy and requested her that we talk as a family and her mother shouldn't interfere unnecessarily. Moreover her frequent visits away from me was killing our romantic life.

She then visited her native place where she stayed for a week despite my pleas to get back. I was literally starving and at a night bar had too much of liquor. Somehow I met a girl there who probably was under the influence of liquor. She suddenly started losing her control and seduced me saying I am looking too hot. I was about to do another mistake but somehow managed to avoid her on time because I got an image of my wife and son standing nearby the window of the bar. I conveyed to my wife about this. That's the end of my story.

She started bringing this each and every day. I politely said I was 100% responsible for the first mistake and larger part in the 2nd incident also and she too should have handled this better. But she didn't listen. Since I felt guilty, I owned full responsibility and till date have never even looked at any girl. I gave all my passwords, bank account details etc etc. She again digged in my old mails , somehow found couple of mails and started questioning me. I solved all that because I was very confident that those were unintentional.

10 years passed by. But now she has started saying to my daughter that she is a symbol of shame and she shouldn't have given birth to my daughter. How can she say this to her? I understand her pain but it has been 10 years after all this and I have been sincere, patient. Have to mention that my ex started sending mails to me and my wife has read that. Although I never responded except for one mail where I asked my ex to shut up and don't cross my path again. My ex is asking me to contact her begging apologies for all her mistake. I do not care. All I need is to live happily with my wife. But she is not understanding. She is blaming me saying she missed a good life. There are some mistakes with my wife as well. But they all are minor except the fact that her egoistic nature is not allowing her to accept her mistakes.

Each end every day she blames me for my past. I am feeling very bad. The very next day she says I am the best husband she could have dreamed for but after an hour she suddenly changes and says I am a cheat. She blames my daughter that she is a symbol of shame. This cycle is continuing and I want to put and end. Someone please advise. Should I take her to a psychiatrist?

 

I totally understand. It has been 10 years since I accepted all my mistake and promised that I will take each and every step possible to save my marriage. I have given up everything (no girlfriends, not much time away from family), almost shown zero interest to ladies around my neighborhood and always put my wife above everything. Each and every step I did was to correct myself. My only problem is she brings this topic each and every day despite all my efforts (after 10 years).

This thought of taking her to psyciatrist came only because she is very unstable after learning that my ex has started sending mails to me. I have been 100% honest here, I gave a harsh reply to my ex, blocked her email id's (all right in front of my wife) but this crappy ex creates new mail id's and mentions good things. I don't know how to handle this. I need to live happily with my family and wife. I am ready to do anything.

I am frustrated at the moment because one day my wife says she is lucky to have me and my ex has missed such a person. Next hour she says I am a cheat. This is changing way too fast and very often. My children are getting affected by this because she scolds them during such bad moods. I have tried to stay calm because I know even if it is a past incident, it is all my mistake.

But how long as a human being you will tolerate. Will you tolerate if someone keeps hitting you for your past mistakes every day after you have taken every step to apologize, correct yourself. I haven't pointed out her mistakes which is hurting me badly. I have put all blame on myself. But how long I can tolerate. All I have said is please don't repeat this. I am hurt. At times I am thinking it is better that we live separately and let her think about how I have changed and how much I love her and my children. My son doesn't like her because she uses harsh words when she is angry but I always maintain composure when she does all shouting.

How long I can continue this?