My dh does not like making/keeping friends.....

I was very upset before the weekend and so did not speak to dh on Friday.
He knew very well what I was upset about. Later, next day he said that we need to talk. I told him I am in no mood to talk further because I knew what the outcome would be. But he did not stop there and said we need to sort this out since all this is disturbing both of us too much.
I said what is the use? You never give me more than 5 mins to talk about anything and you always seem to believe that you are right.
But, he promised he will not interrupt and cut short. It is difficult for him to keep off from doing that.

I just poured out what I felt about the recent incident. I told him first of all he sees everything as doing a huge favor for friends when the reality is we also took lot of help from them. And, I hate to maintain an account of who did how much to whom when it comes to friendship. I said all these years I did not care because I never took his words seriously but now this is affecting me in how I deal with someone who stood by me in need. I hate to do that to my close friend. I narrated the whole miscarriage incident to remind him of days which he thinks passed off pretty easily when the truth is all that could have been possible was only due to this friend who stood by me when my husband was expected to be by my side.

He listened patiently, much to my surprise. Then he said that he never realized how much my friends meant to me and how emotionally attached I have become to them. His complaint is I include him as one among them rather than seeing him as someone closer, different and special in my life.
I said I never saw him like that. He says he always felt like that.

Anyway, we talked for a long time on Saturday. I said I would love to see him deal with things in a less practical way. We went on and on for hours together. Finally, I felt lighter I could put it across. He is fine with my friends children being with us during this break. I explained how much of help that is for a mom to know that her kids are happy and safe with known people. He understood the situation and so this week the kids are with me.

I am ever grateful to you all for supporting me when I was upset last week. I know I cannot change myself or my husband fully. I need to accept him the way he is. It is only when some issues like this crop up that we have clashes due to difference in our personalities. Atleast, talking over it let me vent out my frustration due to his behavior and he seems to have understood what was pricking me most all these years. I am not sure whether he understood and felt my pain fully but I am glad atleast he heard without interrupting me and dismissing this as another cribbing story.
I know we need to find a middle ground and it is more necessary now when we kids are growing.

 

Yes, Priya and Mstrue, talking at length lightened me up. And Priya you are right. Over years spouses tend to accommodate more. I am so surprised that he actually waited till I finished my side. Earlier, he would cut short and just conclude my side as simply cribbing. And that is why I did not want to talk to him when he first came up with it.

I admit that many a times I just took things for granted and called friends over and then later I came to know he disliked it since he was not ready to have anyone over. I have overruled him so many times. But, if at all I listened and did as he said then believe me I would have none in this world whom I could call a friend. I know I have to ask him and consider his comfort level too but he too needs to understand that staying aloof doesn't make everyone happy. I am glad I could put this across this time. And that was possible because he felt hurt at the way he behaved with me the previous night. He is always like that....jumps to conclusions too quickly and later apologises. But his basic introvert nature remains intact. I always think he feels left out if I spend some time or talk much about some other person. He kind of wants to have all that attention to himself....I understand that since he is my husband and I too do not neglect him intentionally. And when that does happen, even if it is unintentionally, he makes a big fuss about it asking me to cut off everyone else in my life.
He is very happy living a solitary life with only wife and kids around. Anyway, that is HIM and this is ME...Who cannot live without phone calls, chatting, emails and friends over.....