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My dh does not like making/keeping friends.....

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Friendinneed, Apr 2, 2010.

  1. Friendinneed

    Friendinneed New IL'ite

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    Hello Indusladies:

    I am married for 12yrs, have 2 lovely kids. I consider myself as more towards outgoing personality. My husband is very introvert. He does not like making friends and maintaining relationships with friends. The whole of his family is like that. My inlaws do not have any close family friends even though they lived in the same town, same house for 37yrs.

    I am a person who can make and keep friends. I have a huge circle of friends and yes I call them all friends and not just acquaintances because that is how my relationship with them is. Even if they move away and some of them did, we still have contact and keep catching up on each other. We keep contact through phone, email, facebook, Orkut, chats etc etc ....

    DH and I work FT. My inlaws were here for a year, last year. All MY friends used to invite them. I call them MY because none of the person we know now was ever through dh.
    They all took the extra step to give company, the friends who dont work outside used to come in the afternoons sometimes or call to give company to my inlaws. One time, my dd was not well and suddenly the fever went up to 104 and we had to call emergency and rush to hospital. My friend was with us (dh and I) till 2am. Only after I literally pushed her out she went home. She has 2 kids of her own and they had school next day.
    This page will not be enough if I go on giving examples like this as how much friends help me and how much even I help them.

    Anyway, whenever I wanted to call them for dinner or lunch when inlaws were here, they used to grumble. Even my dh says it is all waste of time, effort and money. He is the one who takes help but does not know reciprocating. He says I don't need help, it is YOU who calls them.

    Last week, one of my friends went to India to see her sick father. Her family is here since the school is in session now. I called her husband and left a message. He called me back last night and we were talking as to how kids are doing and I told him he can leave kids in spring break here since I will take leave for one week then. I am not taking leave for his kids but dh talks as though that is right. I told him 101 times that I already planned ahead. He just refuses to listen. We had huge fight. He said you and your friend might have decided already. I could not convince him further and said 'GET LOST'!........... We are not talking now!!

    Dh says friends have become my weakness and I am overdoing and bending backwards for friends. Even my inlaws say the same thing. Whenever I go to India, I buy some sweets for friends back here and my inlaws say I care for friends more than anyone.

    My inlaws and my dh claim they can live without anyone's help and so there is no need to make friends. I don't agree and so we have lot of arguments on this. I tried ignoring and keeping myself to my friends. My dh wants me to have no contact with friends. He says just saying Hi, Bye is enough, you don't have to go beyond that.
    Actually, some of my friends are just like my sisters. I share so much with them and they are so nice. They all know my dh nature and they adjust so much to his 'Nakhra'........that I feel bad for them. They don't have to. What if they give him on his face? But, they try to be nice and this man thinks he is the KING of the world.

    I really don't understand. If they are good to me, I am reciprocating the same. Then, why should someone think that as my weakness??
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
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  2. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Hi

    You need to set your priorities first... What/who is your first priority and why?

    It could be either a peaceful marriage with your husband or a fabulous life with your best friends? It is all up to you, as you know your life better than us.

    I understand how friendship is important in our life. Needless to say how friends help us and how we feel better to have some friends around. But all what matter is how can you maintain your friendship without harming your marital life.

    There is no point in pleasing our friends while developing a misunderstanding with our spouse and ILs.

    You are married for 12 yrs... and still hope to change your husband's take on this friendship matter? Do you think you can change someone's personality?

    OK.. Did you discuss with your DH about your leave before? I mean did he knows that you will be on leave around "this time' before you inform him about your generosity to help your friend's kids.????

    There is nothing wrong in helping others, specially for friends who helped us before. But I think you should have discussed with your DH before you promise something to others.

    If he is much introvert type, I am sure he must be feeling uncomfortable with outsiders in his home. Your home is his home too, so you need to discuss with him and know his comfort level before offering any help to your friends.

    If he is not comfortable in inviting your friend's kids to your home, then extend your help in other possible ways, such as cooking for them, taking them to the park, classes, etc... (whatever the possible way).

    If your DH and ILs are not comfortable in inviting other people to your home, then you can throw your friends a party in a restaurent. You are going to use your money to THANK your friends those helped you. So, no one can comment here.
    OR, you can invite them when your DH or ILs are not around...

    It seems your friends knows about your DH's character very well, so they will surely understand your issues too.

    Do not complicate your marriage life and the happiness of your lovely kids because of your friendship.

    Friendship must bring happiness in our life, if it is otherwise, we must think if it all worth arguring and spoiling our mental peace.
     
  3. Friendinneed

    Friendinneed New IL'ite

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    Tugga, Thanks for the response.

    I don't understand what is priorities here.

    Priorities, Priorities, Priorities!!!! WHAT PRIORITIES??

    This man does not think that a person being good is just that and sees it as a weakness in her.
    I know it has been 12yrs and all these 12yrs if I had anyone to share anything even if it is my happiness, it was my friends. Yes, I love my friends and why not? They mean so much to me. They did so much for me.

    When I was pregnant 2 times and no help, they all stood by me. When I had miscarriage in the middle and I was alone here they were the ones who gave me moral/emotional support. This man was in Japan and I called him and he says oh! is it? Then go see a doctor. Did he come back? No! He came after his trip was over.
    So what? If you have important conference? Can't you tell you wife had miscarriage and you got to go NOW!
    Who will say NO! for that? But this man chooses work, career, money, money and nothing. He does not need anyone, not even me!

    He is too practical guy I can ever take. Miscarriage? OK see doctor and take medicines and end of story......No emotions !! nothing!!
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    All the people are not same.Sometimes we need to understand other person feelings and try to adjust around them little bit.

    In your particular situation,I beleive your friend would have been here then it would have been a different story.But our men still don't feel comfortable directly have talk with other men and offer some help.
    Here I assume your husband annoyed completly you offering help other men.Here He doesn't think that you are helping your friend kid since she is not here.

    I would suggest call that person and tell your leave was not approved because of some urgent work and ask him to make some alternative plans.

    This whole things is annyoed your husband and he left alone in your whole process of planning and it's not really fair.

    If you would have informed and discussed then situation would have been different.

    I know how the whole situation and I have been there.Every one had there own perspective and reasoning and we just need to bend little bit and understand other person feelings.
     
  5. Friendinneed

    Friendinneed New IL'ite

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    Priya, It is now time he needs to bend and not me anymore. This total injustice if I adjust and bend for him and not help my friends in need.

    This man wants the world to bend for him. I felt bad I said GET LOST to him but he deserves it.... He has been too harsh to my friends and me when I try to help them. Yes, I will help when they are in need. WHY NOT???

    For him it should be ONLY HE,ME AND KIDS....PERIOD!!! Everything good should happen to us only and we we we we we..............such a selfish guy.....
     
  6. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Friendinneed,

    i personally felt sorry for u when u opened the post ; but towards the end i was convinced u were going overboard. Do justice to y'r family FIRST, the rest" consider them as rest ". I agree with tugga's opinion.

    Y'r DH is the one with u all the times. U've fought with him for some mundane, menial issue. Those parents who knew how to bring up their kids as well. Had i been y'r DH, i would have found it difficult to aplogise u so easily. Sorry, just a friend speaking in concern of y'r happy married life.
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    I think you are really in anger .I dont' know how you got such a wonderful friends and good for you.
    Basically women is mean for emotional support.Men won't experiecen and won't even know the meaning of it for them.They don't go though obortion nor the pregenency.So they don't have real feeling for it.
    if you are fighting for your rights then good.
    But if the same thing repeating and distryoing your peace then you need to find a common ground.
    Most of the men are like that and they only look everything in terms of money.
    In your particular situation,why I was trying to avoid is since your friend is not in town and that would lead misunderstanding as if you are doing favour to that men.So try to avoid this situation .
    May be they can come one day for sleep over or something else.
     
  8. deepshikha

    deepshikha Senior IL'ite

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    Your man is like that because he grew up in a family that does not believe in good relations with friends. He probably never knew what friends are. And he does not value the help of your friends because he always got it without asking for it. If a person gets something without efforts he knows little value of it.

    Try this, next time you are in need of help, don't call any of your friends, call him, tell him that he need to find a solution to it, if he says ask your friends etc. give some excuse that she is away or something. Show him how a friend can be a great help. Let him deal with some crisis alone and then maybe he will realize why one needs friends.

    Also you mentioned, that its always your friends whom you socialize with. Is there no one in his office he ever feels like inviting or getting together with? If there is someone, invite them with family, once you start involving his colleagues too in your circle, he will be pushed to be nice to them. This way perhaps he will learn social skills. Be there to always guide him since you mentioned he is an introvert.

    Don't get upset and emotional about the fact that he doesn't like you having friends. It is not so big a problem that cannot be solved with some ingenuity. You can find a solution to it easily. Never blame him that he is unfriendly and introvert, this can cause unnecessary tension in your married life. People have different personalities, they cannot be blamed for that.

    As for the miscarriage, I can understand how bad you must have felt when he showed no support. Did you ever talk to him about how you felt? These kind of emotions can grow under the skin and keep troubling. Either try to just get over it or talk it out to him and get it out of your mind forever. Tell him how bad you felt that he did not show any support and how the memory still haunts you. Tell him that you feel emotionally unattended when he behaves like this. Men sometimes do not realize how their wife can feel, unless they are told about it clearly. I hope this helps you.
     
  9. Friendinneed

    Friendinneed New IL'ite

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    Yes, Priya, I am very very very angry for what happened last night.
    This man has no word called 'friend' in his dictionary.......

    My friend's husband is not like what you thought. I can understand your apprehension here. He is a good person. He will leave the kids and go and anyway he also has to go to work. I had planned to take leave earlier even before my friend said she is going to India. Her dad fell sick recently. My dh thinks I am doing too much for them. They are good people. Even they help us when needed.
    Sometimes, if they need something, any friend, if they call us in the weekend, this man makes his face as if he lost something.......as though someone is coming to kidnap me and his kids or even HIM!!
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
  10. Friendinneed

    Friendinneed New IL'ite

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    Deep, I never told NO to any of his friends if he had any.....For him office colleagues are only for office and that's all.
    Why will I not be nice or entertain if he brings them over? He has NONE....ZIPPPP.........

    I agree you had important conference and could not take the next flight back. But if you tried then I will understand. You never even tried that. All you said is ok, see doctor, take rest, bye.....

    And my friends were with me even at night because they feared I will be lonely. And now when they need help you ask me to tell NO!
    That is why I said .....GET LOST!! I was good enough not to have told something else.....

    Hey, Deep, it is hard to understand this nature.....he is too PRACTICAL....
    For him dealing with any issue takes 2 mins. WHY? Because YOU never involve emotions in it.....WHY? Because YOU HAVE NONE!!!

    Sorry..........for pouring out ............sorry.........

    PS: Talking to him about miscarriage takes less than 3 mins. It was like, Yeah, very sorry, Don't worry these things happen...forget it....Ok, take medicines....that's all!!!!
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010

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