My dad said it so....

ShilpaMa · Feb 2, 2010

Once I happened to mention to my parents recently how my SIL ridiculed me & her DH on our first luch table post wedding that there were 2 outsiders on this table.... to this my dad had 2 replies:

1) Its inappropriate & her parents shud have corrected her.
2) Its the daughter who becomes an outsider after her marriage and DIL an inseperable part.

1) is not applicable to my IL family & 2) I replied not all families think that way.
It was a moment of sheer agony for me, as it was reconfirmed I neither belong to this house nor to my ILaws post wedding.

He felt an almost instant reaction from me & realised what he spoke.. however this was the ideology he saw in his life... and me stuck with families with different ideology!!!!
Does GOD purposely put you in this situation to feel like an orphan or its the ppl around you?

lavii · Feb 2, 2010

thats so bad
some people dont know how to talk in public
dont have that manners
your dad is right
i belive its not god its people around us who make us a part of them and who can also make us an orphan with one bludi statement
i learnt ignoring this crap and sometimes learned giving it back
forgiving happens when some one did wrong unknowingly not to poke you

asuitablegirl · Feb 2, 2010

I would have replied to sil, "No, now there's 3 outsiders... me and dh are our OWN family now".

That's the way I feel. You're not an immediate member of your parents house or inlaws house... but the head of a new house. I believe that after marriage, parents/siblings/etc become EXTENDED relatives.... and you, your spouse and any kids you have become your immediate family. You won't feel so lonely if you think of it that way.

Also, your sil sounds like a socially challenged fool. Jeez. :bonk

Anushaashok · Feb 2, 2010

...........................

Vandanaa · Feb 2, 2010

Hi Shilpa

Yeah this irritation happens always.

Some scenarios like
1.When there is a function at home, Inlaws saying that DIl's father's relatives need to be invited(rather than saying DIL's relative .does this mean we do not belong to our father's family after our marriage?????)
2.In laws house function SIL giving us the thamboolam ..
The first scenario irritates when they say we dont belong to our parents family
The second scenario inspite of we being from the start to end of the inlaws function still treated as a guest..

Frustrating.....

ShilpaMa · Feb 3, 2010

Thanks ladies for pouring in your ideas...
Yes its a perinneal pain however I do see ladies who are lucky enuff to feel wanted in both the families.

A lot of my connections on FB, have their DH connected, they posting lovely feedback for their wives & wives posting them as well & here's me not at all connected. Its also not that those ppl have looks like superstars etc infact few of them have just avg looks.. .I guess its all abu feeling connected & expressing.
Many have posted they love their wives etc etc.. am sure if I go to DH's site he wud have written I love my mom n sis :biglaugh... might be of lesser use cos his fly members are not internet savvy.

ASG.. yup I also feel that some ppl are socially challanged & I prefer not to answer them back.. becos its beyond their capacity to comprehend.
Also she commented abu ME & her own husband thats my BIL... it only gave me a msg that despite 6 yrs of their marriage if this guy is an outsider then only GOD can consider me his.

Also I think the same shud be the family structure -nuclear to extended post marriage - however my DH fails to understand that there's any family beyond his parents... and thats a big conflict. Some ladies have to remain in NO MANs land I guess.

piscesy2k · Feb 11, 2010

Hi shilpama,

A daughter is a daugher and a DIL is DIL no matter what..for some people who are good at heart, a kind DIL would be seen as equivalent of a close relative and sometimes even of a daughter..It is an antiquated Indian mindset that has left such ideas in our parents..In most marriages, the DIL suddenly come to the ILs home with just a brief acquaintance and normally the family members are not that attatched to the girl..in addition to it is the fact that our culture is notoriously male dominated..a woman is supposed to slave around for her ILs..the groom and his family should be treated as celebrities by the girl and her family..

Thankfully, our era is so different although it still has its hangover because of what our parents experienced in their times..Laws are rigid..People are educated..

In your case i think your father momentarily invoked the old norms just to attack the behaviour of your SIL..I dont think that is his sincere perception..He is indignated that she irked you thats all..Not more not less