My brothers marriage --husband not interested

Ya, the situation is indeed very delicate. You are right Monalisa, I can understand you of course don't want your parents and brother to apologize to your husband for satisfying his foolish (in this case) ego.

Your husband is an educated person, you are not expecting too much when you expect him to understand your feelings in this matter. His own brother got married recently, he must know how it feels to attend or miss one's own brother's wedding. It is very childish on his part to hold it against your brother for not attending your wedding... It makes me sad to see otherwise responsible, successful and loving men behave in this way when it comes to wife's family matters. What is so hard to understand in this?? He has his own family and you have your own - after your marriage it's all one big family - it's both of yours family now.... Why does he differentiate between his feelings for his own brother and your feelings for your brother.... aren't they the same??

Well, that said, the only way to go is to convince him and go - even if you can supply your own money, I would not advise you to go against your husband's wishes and go with your money - if your brother not going to your marriage has hurt his ego so much, then you going without his permission will be like kicking his ego out of the window. Although unfairly so, but he will feel doubly insulted.

I know it's easier said than done, but you could try an approach of sympathy. Tell him frankly that if he does not want you to go, you will not go against his wishes (that will at least save his ego immediately). Then randomly and frequently tell him good episodes about your family and childhood - if he inserts his own childhood experiences in the conversation all the more better - let him talk. Basically try to build a good image of your family and your brother. As others have said, with this foundation of the goodness of your people describe to him how hard it was for your brother to miss your wedding and now if you don't go to his wedding, that hurt will only increase - and missing weddings is such a big deal that it remains on one's mind for such a long time (here, you can pretend to sympathize with your husband's hurt feeling) so you don't want to do that.

I truly hope he understands your pain and gives in to your wishes.

Please let us know how you enjoyed your brother' wedding!!

Good Luck!!

 

I feel real sorry for u, bcos I know how it feels...the thought that I too wouldnt be able to attend my bros wedding used to send butterflies in my stomach and make my knees go weak....sometimes u really feel, do our hubbies think our family comes from MARS???:bonk

Dont worry, take it calmly and dont POUNCE on him...give him time.and dont broach the topic daily and sound damn desperate.

It is basically just his ego-there can be two cases (although the ones I mention below are absolutely not acceptable as an excuse for his stand, still let us just understand the situation better)

1-maybe some one may have commented to him/he may have overheard on your wedding day that - sooo bad, the girls elder brother didnt even come to see his ONLY SISTER get married ( this may have struck the wrong nerve with ur hubby, that it was insulting to him and his folks)

ELSE
2-It is clearly the male ego, and ur hubby trying to assert his position as Head of Family, that all decisions have to be taken by HIM alone that U have to convince him, if u want anything done-not just run and be there when ur parents require u to do something/ U when feel u want to do something for ur family....(this usually crops up in the beginning stages of any marriage, where the husband wants to show the wife, who is wearing the pants-may I say so that way??:coffee)

Now- it all boils down to ego and trust me if u want to go, U have to know how to work it or work around it....

In my case, the married sister is the one actually tying ( securing the knot properly of ) the thali ( ceremonial thread), when the groom (her brother) just places it around the brides neck....The married sister is the 3rd most imp. person besides the groom and bride (so people will definitely talk if she has not attended), and to add fuel to the fire, I was 5 months pregnant( another silly excuse for my hubby) so how can u travel/go??

I am also assuimg that ur brother and ur hubby have not got time to gel with each other even though u guys are in the States and sooo far away from the parents and rest of the family.

U have to get ur brother involved- he has to make some effort, maybe polish ur hubby by saying how he missed not being able to attend the most imp. thing in my sisters and my bils life...( he has to say this much atleast, no need to say sorry and all that- just convey the regret across) then u should spell out the reasons ( legitimate ones of course) why he couldnt attend...basically ur bro has to gel with ur hubby and make him feel like family, (hubby shouldnt feel that ur brother/family has greater influence on u than him) Next time u serve food, serve ur hubby first and then ur brother ( a major ego boost there I tell u)-:rotflIm sorry to say it, but some times Grown up men can be plain SILLY...

Maybe if ur parents/bro is comfortable - they can broach the topic of finances- tell him that we know starting a new life is sooo much strain on the finances, dont worry, if its the ticket we can pay....(of course u know that it is not the issue of finance, and hubby can pay for the ticket, but just saying all this conveys the message to hubby that ur family actually cares about the well being of ur new married life and dont want to burden/put strain on u guys, and actually want to help out, if any need)

Finally to add cream on top of the cake, maybe ur bro can call/mail ur hubby or take him out for a guys only time out and tell him-u are my bil, u HAVE to be there, and give me some support/advise..bcos after all Im still a novice and U have ALL THE EXPERIENCE -getting married, the tension, how to handle things -like all the relatives, and of course the ever intruding photographers-:rotfl-just put it across in a LIGHT mood, but in a genuine way such that ur bro REALLY VALUES ur hubby and HIS presence there. (maybe he can say a word or two to put u down-like what all these women are interested is in only getting dressed and the jewellery, the tension that a groom faces, only we guys know-isnt it??) I hope u got the picture what Im trying to convey to u

Let it be like their own little secret, and ur bro shouldnt say/admit this in front of u...and when he returns home, trust me ur hubby will have a mischevious twinkle in his eyes and actually get to like ur bro more, bcos of this guys only thing...

And finally U have to tell ur hubby that if he doest want u to attend the wedding, then u wouldnt go-bcos hubby is the one taking decisions in this house, only please give me some valid reason, I can convey if relatives ask (put that on his head, and give a sad look-but dont touch the topic or talk more about it)
(then just wait and watch-im sure he will agree)

Bcos ultimately ur hubby wants to show U how BIG HEARTED he is to actually allow u to attend the wedding and besides do u think he will give up the chance to be BIG BRO to ur brother??-NEVER!!!

Best of luck:thumbsup

 

Oh-I forgot to add one more suggestion..
Ask ur parents or ur brother to assign one responsibility of ur bros wedding on ur hubbys head-maybe to help get the groom dressed/accompany him around at all times along with younger brother (stressing to hubby his importance and that younger brother is still too immature to handle this alone/he will get busy when he meets his friends and may actually forget to be around to be with groom - something like the Best Man sort of thing)....
Once this is conveyed to him- that he since he is part of OUR family, he also has to take up some responsibility and make this marriage a success-some dialogues like that to boost his ego..then definitely he cannot say NO, and look like an uncooperative member of the family!!!
Plus, it will make hubby feel that everyone DOES value him.

 

Pstar, check out the date on this post.... 2007! Probably by now the brother is long married and maybe even having a kid too! :rotfl

 

Lol , or his wife or he posting on the forum about problems in married life