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My Aunt

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by blindpup10, Jun 19, 2020.

  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    I have in the past shared my deepest, darkest moments in this forum. By talking about my pain, I have been able to let go and LIVE LIVE my life and not live my life in my head.

    Off late my sister who got married a few months ago is struggling with her identity. We both went through an emotionally traumatic childhood.
    In the first phase of at least my life, I can pinpoint my mother caused this upheaval, the second phase was when my father's health took a bad turn+ my mom's upheaval didn't end. Until I decided to go to boarding school.

    My mom never let my sister and I bond as "sisters". My mother always made my sister make my mom her priority. Anyways my sister got married and now FINALLY she is out of my mom's clutches, my sister is able to recall her childhood and how shitty mom was.

    When my sister confronts my mom- my mom outright told her "Don't talk to your sister, coz your sister has given me loads of grief"
    My sister was taken back by this comment and she asked my mom " why do you think I am talking to my sister about this. I am asking you coz I am recollecting my childhood". Not only this offended me it also brought to light that how my mom has manipulated both my sister and me. And according to my sister We hadn't talked at all at the time she confronted mom. My mom words struck a chord in my sister and she has revisited all her memories and come to a conclusion how mom might have manipulated her.

    With COVID and everyone at home after whatever my mom said- my sister and I are talking hours together ( which we never did) and we talk about our shitty childhood. I have already walked this path. I was on the path of healing. I have put things behind and was progressing in my life, focusing on my family, my life. Not that everything was great. I just don't want to relive my past again.

    When I was on his journey of self-realization, my sister didn't help me one bit. I was still considered as "the princess who cries", she believed everything mom said and supported mom. She has even fought with me on my choices and how I should not be crying or talking about it.

    Now, I don't want to revisit the past. Coz I have made peace with it. I feel like I don't need to spend my time and energy when my sis is walking the path.

    I have told my sister to let go of the past, go to the therapist, and heal. I am sure, she might have gone to a therapist- but with COVID.
    We talk about all our childhood memories, how both me and she saw the exact situation in a different light and explained differently and some repressed memories as well.
    And there is new information comes out as well. One of the things that are bothering came out is my aunt.

    MY AUNT- who was 12-14 years younger than my mom. She has been my mom's standard of the ideal child. When I was 6 years old my aunt was in her Engg program. Now you get the idea- I grew up with her setting examples for me. But actually ruining my childhood.
    My aunt would take pocket money from my mom and buy stuff for my cousins and exclude me. Take my cousins out exclude me.
    My aunt would live and die in my house, but the min when my grandpa showered love or affection coz I lived with my grandparents for 3 years- she would get extremely jealous and complain to my mom how I was being spoilt by her parents.

    After her Engg, my aunt came to the US to work and has lived here ever since.
    Even though my aunt was not in our lives, my mom constantly took advice from her, compared us to her. Made me feel I am worthless.
    Now this aunt who has lived in the US, has constantly called out on me and try to create problems for me in my family circle coz she knows she can get away with it. Coz my mom doesn't say anything against her. As a matter of fact, defends my aunt's behavior rather than stand up for me or my family even.

    Second- My aunt was the youngest kid in the family and she is REALLY Immature and she is always protected even by my other aunts/ uncle.

    Third- My sister and I are fuming IS --IF my AUNT followed any parenting advice that she freely gave it to my mom when we were growing up, her kids would have had a bad mother too. But free advice was only for us.

    Fourth- my aunt came to my sister's wedding and created so many stressful moments for me. I hated the whole event.

    Finally, it all comes back to How did my mom NEVER love me as she loved my aunt? How did my mom take advice from a girl who hadn't experience marriage or children? What can blind someone so much that they don't love their own children and talk endlessly bad things about them?
    Leaves a bitter afterthought on my family!
    Just very upset and ranting, I guess.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2020
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  2. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    "Finally, it all comes back to How did my mom NEVER love me as she loved my aunt? How did my mom take advice from a girl who hadn't experience marriage or children? What can blind someone so much that they don't love their own children and talk endlessly bad things about them?
    Leaves a bitter afterthought on my family!
    Just very upset and ranting, I guess "

    I have seen such dynamics- in your case it's mother , but usually it's father- especially if father is eldest son of the family. I have also seen fathers who let their siblings bully their kids in obvious manner but they will still defend their siblings and blame the kids.
    It seems your mother's parents were narcissistic- your mother was elder- always disciplined and reminded of responsibilities- your aunt was youngest-the baby, the golden child whom everyone must take care of at any cost. You can look up narcissistic parenting to understand better.

    You mom seems to be in this trap. Now it's upto you to understand and stop expecting validation from others. Forgive and forget- move on.Understand that your mom has been brought up that way with low self esteem- it's not her fault entirely why she gives someone authority to run her life.But you can get out of this by learning to stand up for yourself, and not put up with bullying. Focus on your work, your life, your marriage and try to be happy.You seem to be a good and mature person. Stop appealing for justice, give validation to yourself and dont let anyone make you feel worthless.If someone bullies you, stand up irrespective of what EVERYONE says.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2020
    KashmirFlower, nuss, Topaz49 and 3 others like this.
  3. ushee

    ushee New IL'ite

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    My in laws family made such a situation on me. My sis in law lived and living in my mother in laws house and always creating problems between me and in laws. My husband believed it. anything and everything he argues with me a lot. I got married 25 years now. I am 56 years old. I chant varahi manthra, and all other manthras to change his anger and attitude. Nothing changes. My son is 25 now. My husband is till always angry and get upset for every single reason. I have my 3 masters degree and working here. Any one has any quick and real solution for me. Any strong manthra to change him to show affection on us. My in laws died now.My sis in law is till in my mother in laws house and making problems.Please, please and please help me .
     
  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    Yes, you are right. My mom is everything that you have mentioned.

    I am unable to let go forgive and forget. I understand my mom is in this trap. To an extent, I can just let go of things my mom did. But I no longer want to be treated badly by my aunt.
    I confronted my aunt about a few things that she did for the first half of my sister's wedding.
    I know that my aunt will blow it up by going to all my other aunts/ uncle and telling how rude I am to question her, make this into "how she is always right" and my mom will never say to her or to anyone in our family what exactly happened. My aunt will never even acknowledge that she is capable of hurting as she sits on the pristine throne. But that's ok.
    I wanted my aunt to know that what she did is wrong its a form of abuse.

    Coz I am not forgetting or forgiving my aunt for tormenting me as a child.
    My dad was gone for most of the days either for business or personal trips my father's mother didn't stay with us very often. My mom would ask my aunt to come to our home to spend time with her.

    My aunt and my mom would both lock me up in a dark room and call it "making me grow up". I really wonder if she dragged her 2 daughters and left them in a dark room. I would endlessly cry and be terrified. Nothing budged them. I could hear my aunt giggling behind the locked door. While I begged them to let me out. The door was opened only when I stopped crying.

    My aunt and my mom hid my barbies, toys- as they both perceived it as a luxury. I have seen toys melted by just sitting idle in my mother's wardrobe and threw them about during my father's funeral. My mom outrightly has said "punish me for being a bad mother"! I sometimes wish I was never born to this women.

    My aunt and my mom would make me wash my dog's food bowl at age 5. This was perfectly ok. My question to aunt- did she do it to her kids?
    My mom and aunt were hands in gloves in raising me.

    Both of them can convince themselves of whatever they both want to sleep at night.
    I am unable to let go of the outrageous things that my aunt did to me.

    It is soo easy for everyone to say to let go of the past and focus on the future. I truly wonder how much of the torment actually lead me to be the present me. ( other ant told me recently). Without thinking of this, I won't be able to put in the work that I need for the future.


    I am a very bad place today.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2020
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    That’s terrible. If it’s so terrible just to read I can’t imagine how it must feel to you who went through it.

    Cheer up blind pup. I read somewhere that every time we pull out this kind of memory we relive it so we are hurting ourselves anew each time. At least you can stop doing that. Here’s what you can do - whenever this memory strikes tell yourself another story, it’s sequel - about how that little girl who grew up and worked hard and escaped those horrible situations (and people) and is now living happily ever after in <place> with <h name> and <kid name>. And those awful people could never ever hurt her again. The end.
    Turn away from these painful things. It happened yes. But it’s over. So move on. For now. When covid goes away, make an appointment and go talk to a qualified person who will help you make sense of these memories and feelings.
    Hang in there!
     
  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    I know nothing will come out of confronting my aunt. My aunt will push me and can spread more hate about me. She can choose what she wants to do.
    At least I stood up and confronted her on her behavior!


    Thanks for suggesting this to me. I will truly try it.
     
    1Sandhya likes this.
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Blindpup,
    Sorry for the childhood trauma. It looks like you are still processing it all. You should see a counselor if it bothers you to a point where it is interfering in your life and your family time.
    It's hard to let go of something that one's own parent does, especially when we are vulnerable children completely dependent on them. Your anger is justified but I hope you find some way to put it in the past and live your present to the fullest.
    She was enabled by your mom. A parent is supposed to protect her child, even from her own siblings if need be. Her sister bullied you because she let her. Had your mom been a better parent, your aunt couldn't have done anything.
    I'm sorry your childhood was what it was. Look at where you are today though. Despite your mom, you've come a long way. You are a strong, capable and independent woman. You will overcome and thrive! You already have. This too shall pass. Take care of yourself!
     

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