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Mutual Respect And Equality - Looking For Some Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aarth0203, Dec 19, 2020.

  1. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    I am married for 15 years now and have a 6 year old. We both (me and my husband) are working from home since March and I have a strong feeling in mind that there are double standards. Sharing few instances

    1. we have elderly people at home, so domestic help and maid is not coming since March. We are pretty much at home with very less interaction with others due to pandemic. We share household work, he used to sweep and mop, I used to cook and clean. This routine continued for 8 months, things went haywire when my FIL went through a hip replacement surgery my husband couldn’t handle FIL and sweeping moping so maid started coming. I asked to keep maid back when the schools started online classes in June as my daughter needed help, but he said no for the fear of infection!

    2. I had few health issues and all were ruled out as minor and I followed home medication. I had terrible cough for a month and everyone thought it’s COVID, but I still don’t go to doctor. I didn’t even avail the annual health check from my company as it needs in person hospital visit. But my husband went for one as he felt he is very unwell and needs a full checkup. He had sleep issue, fear of pandemic and I am always there to hear hi out. But it’s not vice Vera always.

    3. I didn’t go to parlour since March due to pandemic, but he felt he needed a massage and haircut and went for one recently. Until then he had home haircuts.

    4. Our cook called up and offered to come back, but my husband did not even consult me, but told a no to him until a vaccine. Of course cook will reduce my work and I can invest that time with my daughter and my work. When maid can come back why not cook?

    5. Hello broke loose on this last one incident. I was about to catchup with team for a snack yesterday on a open cafe under sun ofcourse with COVID norms. He made faces when he heard this! Due to various reasons the meet-up cancelled. Today morning his friends called him to play cricket and he went. Of course no mask, I asked him why he went and how safe is it! We both had argument and I am not I talking terms with him.

    6. I make 3 times more money than him and he keeps track of all my expenses. He invests all the money and manages finance though all investments are in my name. He wants me to use his credit card to make all purchases, but I hate the fact I have to go to him for OTP all the time! I feel like asking permission, why should I make money!

    Am I over reacting or is this normal in all house holds? He is good person and ofcourse no bad habits. But my question is why these double standards? Is there something I need to do change things
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, what you need to do is to stand up for yourself.
    If you are sick then why become a martyr? Go get your medical care. As long as you wear a mask and the doctors office is wearing masks there is no harm in getting an appointment. If you had Covid-like symptoms you should have at least gotten a test.
    If your husband doesn’t want to keep the cook then tell him that from now on it’s his job. Stop cooking for a week and see what happens.
    And take charge of your money. You can have a joint account but there is no reason to not have your own credit cards.
     
    blindpup10 likes this.
  3. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    No, you are not.

    Maybe but, he appears to be a control freak.

    Not very relevant for your issue in question.

    No, he just want to control everything.

    - You have to learn to care for yourself and to stop expecting that from him.
    - You need to articulate your concerns, say what you need and make sure you get it.
    - Let him take care of the finances and you take control of the household. Divide the authority. He doesn't have to have his hand everywhere.
    - Get a credit card of your own.
    - Stop seeking his permission. Just information is enough for most of the matters of the household.
    - Attend to your official meets and meets with friends as you deem fit. You are an adult with maturity and he needs to understand that.
    - Learn to teach him subtle lessons through actions/inactions .. as @MalStrom suggested ... stop cooking etc.,
    - Your life is yours. Just because you are his wife doesn't necessarily mean you will revolve around him.
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    COVID all of a sudden did not reduce your self respect. You have been treated like a door mat for so many years , you did not notice as you went to work and those things took more priority.

    this is first time we have been alone for a long time and we notice how people treat us.

    making money is not the issue. you deserve to be treated fair , that is how a relationship is.

    have a calm talk with him.
     
    KashmirFlower and Needtobestrong like this.
  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    A long post describing all the bad habits, and then there is this good-guy certificate. :disappointed:

    Part of this thread title is the same as the advice-thread for this forum: Please see:
    Building Mutual Respect and Equality in Marriage
     
    Mistt likes this.
  6. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    T
    Thanks Malstorm. I didn’t cook today. He ordered lunch from outside and we ended up eating leftovers for dinner. I told him today, I don’t have anything to fight with you. But I need to treated with respect and equality matters the most. I returned the credit card back to him and said I am happy with my debit card. I have made up mind to get all the things done, but without rocking the family boat as much as I can
     
    SCA and drdiva like this.
  7. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    You are right. He wants to control and have a check on everything. I am going to do minimal stuff and spend my time with my daughter. I told him I need the cook back and not ready to do it forever.
     
    SCA likes this.
  8. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    Yo
    You are so right. I was running so much, used to leave the home at 7.30 Am, gym, office comeback home by 5 PM spend time with daughter and evening Calls and didn’t pay much attention :). I will make sure henceforth things happen the right way
     
  9. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks I will go and read it
     
  10. aarth0203

    aarth0203 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks to all the feedback you ladies had given. Here is the update , invested in a dishwasher so one job less now. We had a good talk and he acknowledged few of the things he could have been better. Whilst things are moving better, I have tested deficient in VitD and pre diabetic . I am meeting doctor this week to discuss this further and for medication. I feel irritated most of the time, a slight no or teasing triggers me big time. Today we had a huge fight and mentioned henceforth not going to eat anything you cook or not going to take my money to invest. I think his ego was hurt as I said why he is hesitating to spend x amount when I earn 20x. He didn’t eat anything whole day, refused to help with my daughter. Today is our daughter’s birthday and he didn’t want to come with us to temple. He was not talking to my daughter even. I tried talking couple of times but he didn’t listen. I left it there. My mil seems to be upset as she seem to know me and my spouse are fighting often these days. She is worried as the sonny didn’t eat at home. I am wondering how I can get my things done, without disturbing peace at home. I am not worried about my mil but worried as he seemed to ignore our daughter. She is 6 and seem to understand our fight!
     

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