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Moving Back For Good From Usa To India

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by libran, Mar 11, 2019.

  1. libran

    libran Junior IL'ite

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    Im trying to find a job on EAD( which is again H1 dependent), no luck until now. will follow ur suggestions thanku.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Being self dependent both physically and financially is utmost important when your marriage is not fuctioning as it should be.
    It is clear that your H is a puppet in the hands of your controlling in laws. You have no luck at this dependent state to change any of this.
    And a new baby would make you further dependent on your irresponsible husband.
    So, think about it.

    Find a job, even if that is a small start. Be independent, and be prepared to live on your own at the worst case scenario. This gives you some bargaining power when it comes to arguments like this.

    Once you are independent, you can easily set some ground rules to live your marriage equally with your spouse. It is not necessary for the women who are in a normal marriage.

    When you are ready, tell him that you would like to stay in US with the kid, and not ready to return back to India now. If your H wants to take care of his parents, he is free to do so. And he should not expect you as the care taker.
    Give him options like appointing a nurse or a full time care-taker to your in laws who are sick now.
    Make consultations with your SILs to ensure they visit in laws every now and then, and give them company. You can buy so many things with money, including the support from one or all of your SILs. Ya, pay for some expensive gifts, or monthly allowance to them to visit their own parents... So that they don't annoy you.
    And your H will get convinced that his parents are well taken cared of.
     
  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    We all have to take care of our in-laws (& parents )sooner or later as they grow older , and if your in-laws are really sick then u should not neglect them . The only thing u can do is talk to his sisters about sharing the responsibility in a fair manner . I feel they are the key to any solution.
    If u do move to India , check if u can hire some.help if it is a lot of load . And before moving make it clear to husband what are the things you can't compromise on eg. privacy , food choices or whatever is important to you . Living in joint family is difficult so atleast have some rules from before.
    I feel if we have loving and happy relationship with husband then we can put up with a lot in life. Try to find our why your relationship deteriorated to such a bad extent and try to fix it with understanding. Having such negative thoughts about husband is a v.serious matter.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2019
    docathome and anika987 like this.
  4. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Moving back may not all be bad.You could work in india and be financially independent. You can be nearer to your parents. Your child can grow up with extended family around.

    Empathise with your husband and his worries about ageing parents. Discuss with your husband without blaming about financial repercussions, career implications, etc. Can there be a compromise by financially supporting them from here while his sisters give the required physical care? Once these discussions happen and if move is finalized, you clarify your part in caring for his parents, your career plans, where to live, maid support etc. While you are at it, discuss about his role in supporting your parents as well.

    Like a previous reply said, do not plan on a second child until you and your husband are on same page with respect to your future.
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  5. Survivour

    Survivour New IL'ite

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    I am in the .same boat as you as only me along with my two kids travelled back to India. Staying with my in laws who are neither financial supportive or physically supportive. Have planned to search work after June putting my baby in day care or with a maid
     
  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    To have a baby should not be the decision of one parent alone, both should be involved. If your husband is not interested in a second kid, you should let it go. You cannot force him. It won't be good for the kid either if you get pregnant. Because you will have to do everything by yourself and it's going to be hard on you, not on him. What does your husband think about moving back? If he wants to, you can't do much about it. You should know very well that it's not in your hands. Every DIL dreads taking care of ILs because they just don't seem to understand or be sympathetic to the DILs plight, it's like she was made for serving them. All that said, there is no use of you thinking about it, if you guys need to go back, you need to, you can't put up a fight, especially when it's your husband who is working in the US. Just go with the flow and stop worrying. Dealing with ILs is something unavoidable, you need to accept them as part of your life. Think about how you can deal with them and what you can do to improve your situation.
     
  7. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Its a quite valid concern and if you are DH is not discussing with you and there is only arguments to this topics then there is only frustration and it will be difficult to live in a joint family. In such situation, usually dh should ensure and put so much of confidence in his wife so things can go smoothly but if he isn't ready to that how can he expect his wife to simply follow his decisions and adjust in his home. At some point we all have to do something about taking care of elderly parent but both partners should decide things and reach a middle ground. Here, your dh is completely taking advantage of your dependent status hence why he isn't seeing the need of discussing or asking for your thoughts. Even if you start working with EAD you are still not independent which totally will let him to be authoritative on taking decision.
    My suggestion is try to be independent wherever you are. Try to talk to your dh and buy sometime so that you can gain experience here before going to india. Make valid points instead of plainly arguing that you cant go back. Lets say you get a job in your EAD, try your best and ask your employer to apply H1B or Green Card. It would take sometime but when you have a job and a monthly salary flowing you could mention that you as a couple can now use some money to help parents back in india and if you get Full time job and money flowing your dh will re-think on the decision. Aim for that!
    But if you guys have already decided your moving plans and if its too late for you to execute things here, better find a job in india while you are in US. If you had previous work experience in india reach for that employer or manager and talk to them and seek for any open positions. When you have a job in hand your dh will have to negotiate certain things. You probably could state job as a reason and stay far away from in-laws. I don't want to encourage women to not take care of their in laws but if DH is not cooperative in major decision making we will have to ensure that they know 'we too exist' so we can have peaceful life. And in worst case, if you have not secured a job before landing in india, make a plan and discuss with your dh mentioning that you would go stay with your parents and will start looking for job. Since your in laws aren't well enough, they may not completely be able to take care of your kid so it will be wise to be with your parents as you figure out your career. Do not start of staying in joint family because once everyone gets comfortable it will be difficult for you to find your way out.
    And in all situations, argue with valid points and simply don't say you will not which will develop frustration on both ends. Good luck!
     
  8. pbindu

    pbindu Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Libran, I dont know when you came from India to US. But I came five years back from Hyderabad and our visa will expire next year and we might move back. I am happy for both options moving back or staying here. I am sick of staying here on H4 visa.

    If you are going back to Hyderabad, I would suggest Silver oaks school for your kid. My daughter was studying there, and I really miss that school.

    People are very friendly and supportive in Hyderabad, and for a four year old kid, whats better than having a weather where he or she can play with friends through out the year.

    You find a job and start working. Staying away from home from morning till evening, then coming back and attending to daily chores should make you feel at ease and more independent.

    Good luck and dont worry.
     
    lavani likes this.

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