1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Motivating Kids When 1 Parent Is A Narcissist

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by venkiis, Dec 30, 2020.

  1. venkiis

    venkiis Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    I am in the process of divorce, i am very much worried about my children. especially my younger one who is 9 . my soon to be ex is a covert narcissist. I cannot get bankrupt fighting for 100% custody, so if i get 50%. How do i motivate my kids. So far i have taken care of my kids along with work. My wife does take care but once my support is gone, she will flip out and pour her issues on the kids.

    any suggestion would help.

    please note : i am not looking for discussions on analyzing if she really is a narc or not. My question is only pertaining to kids.

    like how to teach them to handle their emotions and kindness but firmness when they are with me and apply them same.

    any single parents who go through this also please suggest.
     
    Loading...

  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,573
    Likes Received:
    3,325
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    @venkiis , finally you are out of the clutches of a narcissist. Its going to be a relief.
    Its not easy, but don't worry much, you and kids will be ok. I am not a single parent, so my response is based on what I can do if I am in your situation.
    The best way to deal with your situation is to empower yourself and have clarity. I guess you are going to have joint custody. But a narcissistic coparent can brainwash, manipulate and make them against you.
    * educate yourself on narcissistic coparenting
    * keep distance and dont engage in arguments with ex
    * accept that you can control you not others
    * be the best father you can, dont expect anything from ex.
    * go to limited contact with ex (only if needed), but focus interactions only on kids and common things through text or email.
    * have clarity on co-parenting schedules and written plan on child custody ( consult attorney). Dont believe in words, need written documents
    * have some thoughts on kids education plans ( college fund, 529 plan , how you both support it. I know a case where father refuse to support kid for college education after divorce)
    * be a good parent. Make their stay with you comfortable and happy
    * be a happy parent, kids will appreciate that.
    * be a role model for your kids
    * dont talk anything negative against your ex. But say that both of you will be there for them.
    * make the transition smooth as much as possible. If they are small, they may stick with mother. Accept it
    * be there for them. Be an active participant in their life. Attend school and other meetings /activities for them. Spend time with them, play with them, so that they can open up to you without any hesitation.
    * there is counseling sessions for kids in schools for similar situations, enquire about it. Also go for therapy if needed. Kids can also attend if needed. If I am in your situation I will use this option to give confidence to kids.
    * respect your ex opinions if it benefit kids
    * keep interactions with ex respectful and to the point. Not much talking or explanation.
    * make sure you have written communication if any with ex
    * give respect to ex and take respect
    * take care of yourself
    * seek help, plan well
    * keep an eye on your kids,if you see any abuse, take action
    * hope you have a seperate living arrangement , make it kids friendly.
    * dont go for any relationship soon. Take time to heal . You should be independent in all aspects to live alone. You should be happy alone. If not, you will attract more narcissists to your life.
    * divorced or not, you are a family. That will remain like that till death.
    * be a good listener to your kids
    * have a positive approach and lot of patience. You will be Ok.
    * remember its not going to be easy on you or kids, please understand it. Slowly you all will get adjusted to your new life. When your kids see your calm and composed avatar and experience how you deal with situation with dignity they feel better,I am sure.
    * go for therapy for yourself if that helps

    I suggest you to visit Dr Ramani's youtube channel. She is a Prof in Univ of California & an expert on this topic. There are so many resources online. I am sure you get better idea from others ilites (tagging @Aarushi). Two links on this topic are added below. Wishing you peace and happiness.

     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2020
    Thyagarajan, SCA, shreepriya and 3 others like this.
  3. venkiis

    venkiis Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    thank you. not looking for any relationships for next few years.

    need to help my kids with college . i am almost 50% funded for elder one. next goal is 50% up for younger. need to double my salary up till 200k by jan 2022.

    i am old school, this has hurted me more than anything and the biggest hurt is , that i failed as father to my kids to provide a family. i do know it is not my fault too.

    kids want to be with me, but i am not going to play favorites, had a long talk with daughter and addressed her fears, she was confused because she imagined like in movies, she will be cut off completely. explained, it does not work like that. that relieved her. son too immature to get details.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,573
    Likes Received:
    3,325
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Dont worry, when your kids see a smooth transition, all these fears will be gone. Consider school counseling and support.
    I read that living with a narcissistic person is a draining experience. So every one suggests to runaway. Also heard that coparenting is not going to be easy. So learn more about this topic. May be this is a blessing in disguise. Give lot of love and assurance to your kids. They can adapt to any situation. You are in USA, so your wife can't take away kids without your permission. Prepare well. Good luck.
     
    venkiis likes this.
  5. venkiis

    venkiis Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    thanks. it means a lot.


    # taking back some comments as this thread is only about my kids sorry
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2020
  6. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    As you requested, I had blanked out the n-word in your quote. I see that you have some misconceptions about percentages with respect to custody. Wait till the final instructions are negotiated out, and you know exactly the number of "contact hours" with your children per some set period of time, like week or month. And then let us know the exact provisions (visitation rights, it is called). I see that Mme DD is already on your case; and in front of that advice everyone else should:worship2:
    Instead of aspiring for 200K, and saving up for college, find a permanent WFH job, and see if you can increase your contact hours with the children. If the corona virus persists into future years, many IT people would be able to cut down on expenses for commute and work-clothes, and live in their lungi's (aka Sarong) and slack off on grooming habits, with all those savings going into the college funds also.
    If something comes along, having one of these is only going to keep you healthy (or at least groomed well enough). Just do it for the sake of the children... :smirk:. That 200K aspiration made me wonder if that was a lure tossed up into the sea. This analogy came out from the usual thing we say when a friend goes through a break-up : " ... there's plenty of fish in the sea".
    Good luck with the future.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2020
    Rihana likes this.
  7. venkiis

    venkiis Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    thanks

    yes your points are valid. the number was just a point to motivate myself.

    relaitonships : not going to see that for a year or more till i am emotionally and financial better. not sure you have had a relationship with a narc, it is hard to explain till one experiences it personally.
     
  8. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    753
    Likes Received:
    122
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Venkii,

    Sorry to hear about your divorce. I am also a single parent and the co parenting challenges are scary. I joined a divorce support group and it was very helpful. Discussing with other single parents sailing in similar situation was helpful. The support group also had a therapist who would facilitate monthly healing sessions. I would also recommend putting your children through therapy and also going through personal therpay to help you go through divorce. Divorce is indeed tough. Take care.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    venkiis and Hopikrishnan like this.
  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    Don't keep bringing the n-word up. You wanted to avoid it on this thread. Do that. And besides, the way you write it makes it sound like a connection with "opioids". Narc's are opiod addicted people, sometimes they are family members or friends, that suffer this difficult affliction.

    You have problems in personal life, and you post in an anonymous forum. We read your side of the story; and we don't see/read the story of the spouse or children. I went and browsed some other thread where you had confessed to belong to "the old school". That could make you anything on the range that comprise "poor innocent fellow" ....to.... "bollywood movie villain". Just like "narc", the reference to "old school" or "conventional" or "old fashioned" is also rife with interpretations as to what your character is.

    Wait for the conclusion of your divorce proceedings. You do not need to post any more of the details of your case. Such as your state of the union, and what child-support and community-property rules that would entail.

    "Old school" going through reeducation in family court proceedings, and the real life of an ex-hubby with two joint custody kids having to enable the dating life of an ex-wife, isn't something you need to reveal on an internet forum. Exercise caution in your private affairs.
     
  10. venkiis

    venkiis Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    @Rihana I am not sure why you added my content for mockery, i do not appreciate that. May be you have a better stable life than me and god bless you for that. But i do not appreciate it on using to crack jokes.

    English is not my native language, if your intent was not that , i apologize.

    @Hopikrishnan I asked a very clear question and @DDream gave a clear answer. Again may be my English is not as good as yours, i am not looking for judgements and then analysis over that. I read your reply couple of days back, but did not want to respond. now you again quoted me in another thread so i was convey, that i would appreciate that you stop this attitude . if you can help , help otherwise stay away.
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.

Share This Page