Mother prefers her sons

aarcanu · Dec 16, 2009

I would like to put forth a scenario that disturbs me a lot. I am married with 2 kids, and stay with my in-laws. My parents and younger brother's family stay in a different city. My elder brother's family stays in yet another city.

All through my childhood, I lived with an inferiority complex since I am dark and my brothers are fair. My mom(and her mom, who lived with us for a long time), always favoured my brothers when compared to me, maybe because they are boys. My mom prefered my brothers for a second reason too - my skin color. Am not sure if this is the middle child syndrome(am the middle child), or this is genuinely the case, though I feel I am not at all wrong in assuming that my mom loved her sons more.

I now see the same scenario being repeated with our next generation. When only I and my kids visit them (and brother's family is abroad, etc), she is fine, and showers all her love on my kids. However, when either of my brother's kids are also around, she prefers their children. I even told her once recently how I had always felt inferior as a child, but she denied having any less love for me. However, I see the same pattern repeating with her grand children. It is again because she prefers her sons to her daughter, and also because my brother's kids are fairer than mine.

I sometimes do not feel like going to my own parents place because of this, but I reconcile myself and go. But by the time I come back home, I feel bad again. I do not want my children to feel inferior in any way. Do you think I should tell my mom to treat all her grandchildren equally so that they do not grow up feeling inferior? I want my children to grow up to be strong, self confident and walk tall.

When I face problems with my hubby or in-laws I feel very low, since I think my mother is not someone on whose shoulder I can cry. I have nowhere to go with my problems. I have to deal with them on my own. Has anyone faced such a situation?

ShilpaMa · Dec 16, 2009

Aarcanu.. previous generation had a special orientation towards the son irrespective of look n feel of daughter.
I primarily find the reason for it since daughter had to go post marriage (CUT OFF) So parents tried to remain in a detached mode so that they dont hurt themselves beyond repair... there cud be other reasons as well - financial/ physical support in old age etc... to forever give importance to the son so that he could revert the same in their old age.

Now the world has changed a lot & lot of gals equally take good care of their parents & dont completely disappear from their parent's lives.

As a mother myself I have no preference based on color or gender for my kids.. infact my daughter is highly possessive for me & my son for his dad. With too much attachment I feel I wont be able to let her go.

Also what I realise is that the daughter will always come back to her mother with their grandchildren.. however it becomes a bigger pressure on paternal grandparents to keep their grandchildren & DIL happy.. that relation is v weak.
You do the best for your kids even in ur mom's house.. giving more / equal importance to your daughter.. one day she'll realise it herself.. If you've already worked this way then have a heart to heart talk with your mom. If you think u'll get too emotional then write down how you want her to change and drop it under her pillow. If still you feel ur left hurt then plan v few overlapping days of stay at parent's place when your brothers visit.

Priya16 · Dec 16, 2009

I also notice with grand mother,whoever stay near to them and whoever visit them more regulary and sometimes,they raise smal children.They will be attached to them more.In this case,since your mother and your brother would live in same place ,so your mother might have attached to them more than your kids.

Whenever you visit your parents,you need to take out that feeling from your brain and enjoy your stay.Even if your mother don't spend 100% with your kids,you are there for them right.For kids it doesn't matter wether grand ma given more affection to them than the other grand kids.

Only the matter for kids is you and your husband.GrandMa house is just a vacation and it will not affect them much.

asuitablegirl · Dec 16, 2009

My mil always prefered her son (my dh) over her daughter. Even though my sil does soooooo much for her parents, they never care as much about her as they do about my dh. She has told me that herself.

But recently I've noticed a bit of a shift in the love. Now my inlaws seem to be getting a little more appreciative of their daughter because after the fights between me and them, my dh took my side and it was like a big slap in the face to them. A real 'wake up call'. I think also they realized that with me around, they would not ever be coming to live with their son... so hence they needed to start cozying up to their daughter.

In a way, I feel happy my sil is getting the attention she deserves as their daughter... but at the same time, I feel sad because it seems like they are just using her now that they know 'life with their son' isn't going to happen.

Also, my mil likes to bark on and on about how 'fair' her son is, but my sil who is a little darker gets no such 'praise'. Sounds similar to your case!

maggi99 · Dec 16, 2009

Hi,
If you ask your mother / any one who thinks like u if they say to their parents that you like your son more than me bcas of the colour... there wd be an absolute NO from mom.

Its a matter of fact that, with daughter's mom can be as she wants and daughters will understand... But mostly sons dont understand when mom shows little interest. Its just that she feels comfortable with u and can be what ever way... but with son's NO... as he they hv their wife and if ur mom is not giving proper attention to her kids that might get a fight / your brother himself might say something.

In my case I am abroad and my sis family and bro family stay in the same city as my parents. When my sis goes to my parents place, she will not be treated like guest, just that my parents wd be doing their work as they were doing... but when my bro and SIL visit them, then immediately the treatment wd be like how they giv for guest... like making coffee immediately... starting to prepare for lunch...
Or if my bro has left some clothes then it wd be drycleaned immediately and brought back by my dad.
But when sis kids comes, it will be like usual to my parents, and they cook just the usual stuff... though my sis spends a lot for my parents and care a lot than my bro... (my bro doesnt hv kids yet)
My sis has been observing this for years, but now she says its reached heights that son is given a kind of royal treatment and whereas when it comes to her there is nothing like that and for few months she hardly visits my parents.
When i speak to my mom a little abt this, mom says - what shall i do, if i dont do everything properly for your bro or his wife... your bro starts out with an argument... i dnt want to discriminate between your bro or sis... but sis is angry un-necessarily....

Your mom might be in the same situation. Dont think that they are discriminating. Its your mom afterall and you dont stay with them then for those few days u stay why keep hard feelings dear...

Leaving all this apart...there wd always be a feeling that son wd take care during old age (thought it might not be true)

sillygurl · Dec 16, 2009

I understand how you feel!

My gradma[dad's mom] used to do the same thing.She absolutely loved all her grandkids, but still she loved her son’s kids / given lil more attention than daughters kids.

These are the reasons tat I can think so

- It could be either due to the fact that that we used to visit her only during vacations(twice/thrice a year) , so she went the extra mile to make us feel special? The daughters stayed more closer and used to visit her once in 2 weeks/month with grandkids.

Or

the son’s always supported her financially , though the daughters didn’t. I strongly felt that the grandkids felt the difference. Once my cousin sis asked granny in the face the same, as a child. I was really sad for my cousin than grandma then. Then my grandma told her tat since we visit her , less frequently she did that. But it all went away once we grow up and all of us love her beyond words for the wonderful lady she is. Infact I feel, my cousins love her more than us and she realized that as well.

blessed · Dec 18, 2009

For my inlaws DH is their only son and thier "LIFE" they have two daughters quite good looking, smart and highly qualified, my MIL keeps singing their praises almot everyday but when it comes to their son then he is "exceptional" they pretend as if they are living only for him:drowning. Even if they go to their daughters houses for a short visit they come back even before the schedule telling they could'nt stay there because they were missing their son (my DH) It gets to my wits end, but here my Dh wil only be pleased to know about his parents unconditional love.:bonk