Moosic To Your Ears From Dr.Van Helsing’s dairy The vile fiend let out a scream as the liquid hit him and screamed “IT STINKS”. Before we could bat an eyelid , the count took the form of a bat and flew away. “What is the wondrous liquid” Jonathan Harker asked me. “Is it holy water?” “The holiest of all holy waters” I said. “Water made by mother cow. The vampire being a foul creature felt the fragrance of the holy liquid as stink. Remember this is the best weapon against fell creatures, not just vampires but against Lucifer himself”. These lines certainly are not from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. RIP Bram. Don’t wake up and come for me like your creation dying to sink your fangs into my neck. Dont’ blame him for not writing this. Science was not that advanced in those days. And the noble tribe of gaurakshaks was conspicuous by its absence. Khem cho Gujarat Gauseva Gauchar Vikas Board? (I think Khem cho means how are you? To be frank I am Gujarati challenged myself). What a brilliant idea you have come up with? Sprinkling cow urine keeps that Transylvanian count with unusual drinking habits at bay. Not only him but the devil himself. I am not joking. In fact I am in a state of total despair. I have to work very hard nowadays to write a funny piece because it is virtually impossible to beat these cow lovers in the humour sweepstakes. If you try your jokes would sound super stale. And the above mentioned board, believe it or not is a government body not a private group of loonies. They have issued a publicity brochure that says that sprinkling of cow urine keeps Dracula and Satan away. That means the best way to kick the butt of the devil and drac (I wonder do the Hindu fundies believe in Lucifer? This is serious. Christianity seems to have contaminated the Holy Sanatan Dharma. It is in danger of becoming Satan Dharma) . Amazing ain’t it? If you thought science grew by experimentation think again. If you ask these guys whether they had performed experiments on the devil and the good count to find what impact the holy outpourings of bovine bladders has on them, then you are a traitor and anti-nationalist and a fair target for lynching. This is ultramodern , post postmodern science. What matters is you should think you know , that is all. So our dear gauseva board is selling cow urine in bottles and adding to the state’s kitty. I haven’t read the brochure they had prepared and I don’t know whether these plans for cow piss (my apology urine. Piss sounds so unholy and downmarket for such a sacred and upmarket item) growing rapidly in my head are there in the brochure . But I am sure most of you haven’t read the delightful brochure. So here they are for your benefit. To increase the market value of the holy product, they can bottle vintage cow urine after storing it for few years in oak casks or some other wooden casks to mature and sell it under the brand name “PISSKY” . You can have premium and ordinary Pisskies at different price ranges. With right hpe, it can replace whiksy as the favourite tipple of a lot of people. You know there are clocks in Vishwa Hindu Parishad offices that allegedly (I am using this word at the risk of being dubbed an enemy of the nation) run with cow urine? If clocks can why don’t you try running your watches with it? How do you inject the holy water into your watch. Better ask your friendly neighbourhood VHP guys about it. And why only focus on the bladder product and neglect the poor bovine bowels? Rest assured. Nobody is neglecting them. There are gaurakshaks who daub their mobile phones with cowdung to protect themselves from its radiation. Now this is NOT a joke. They really do this. And if cowdung can protect us from mobile radiation then here is a brilliant idea. In case of a war with Pak all Indians should be compulsorily covered with cowdung. That way any attempt to nuke us would have hardly any impact. Pakistanis would realise the folly of eating beef and the need for ensuring that their cows remained alive and kicking. (BTW does bullcrap have the same effect?). Hope you find all these ideas are MOOsic to your ears. If you don’t you are under the shadow of suspicion. You could be an anti-national.