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Money:should Allow To Give Or Not ??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bron, Jan 20, 2017.

  1. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    i dont know how to start and am not sure even if my thinking is correct..
    i had an arrange marriage and married for 2.8 years and i have a 1 year old baby ..my hubby has two sisters and my sils are not very cruel or something like that but they surely poke thier nose in our life ..and in our region we celeberate kanu pongal where brother has to gift sisters every year for pongal..and last two years my hubby gave around 500 to 1000 rs to his sisters and this i dont know what happend he wanted to give 5000 each..i dont know what made him take this decision and i am not ok with it. not that i am against a brother gofting sister or so but both his sisters did not so anything for my daughter right from naming ceremony where athai(paternal aunt) has to do something in gold or atlease silver especially his first sister did not do anything but just gifted a j&j gift hamper 300 rs worth and also for her 1st birthday which we call ayushhomam in our region she has to do again something in gold but she just got 2 dresses and gave a cover and god knows how much she gave..but when i asked my hubby how much she gave he said he himself disnt open but i know he is feeling guilty to say out as the amount must be veryless..he safely left the giftcover in india itself..my sister did gold bangle for my dd naming ceremony and did gold earrings and silk pavadai for her 1st bday..so he feels really guilty and he doent want me to brag about my sisters gift also between our common friends as he cant say out what his sisters did..leav all this her sisters did not even get a toy for my baby when she visted 1st time to thier houses ..but on the other hand my sis gifted a big toy for my dd's english bday being in india she delivered through amazon which would have costed more than 100 dollars..my hubby is clearly not so happy about it i guess ..and i dont know he sometimes say we should not spoil kids with more toys and stuffs..now i am not happy with him giving 5000 to his sisters juat for a ordinary event whereas his sisters did not do anything for my dd for even big events..how do i put this to him that i am unhappy??.they need to spend too if they want the same from us..but thwy dont spend anything for us or our dd then how can they expect from him..?? i am totally ok with him spending for his sisters or gifting them but i want that to be two way if not for us atleast for my dd..how can i convey him this?? or is this not worth than my piece of mind??should i leav this just like that like let him do something for his sisters or should i ask why they are not doing anything for us??also he is not getting me gold he only got gold during marraige where he also got gold for his sisters too..i feel like he is afraid that he needs to get gold for his sisters also whenever he gets for me..as his sisters woyld expect the same from him but he clearly knows i am not ok with getting gold to them also whenever he gets for me..so he is not getting any jwelery for me..what shall i do about this..plz help
    thanku
     
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  2. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    When people marry they get a chance to change the other person in ways they like. This is like training any animal. Sometimes the training takes longer, sometimes shorter. You are also being trained by your trainee at the same time. Good behavior has to be reinforced by treats. What has been your methods for the last 2.8 years ?
     
    Meghaa likes this.
  3. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    We can only exercise control over our emotions and actions. It seems you have a fairly comfortable life for which you should be rather thankful to God. Why to expect that MIL/SILs will do something grand for your kid? Why do you expect something in return? If your DH is willing to give his sisters extra, have you given a thought about it? Is this going to affect your collective savings/monthly budget, etc.? Have you tried initiating a peaceful dialogue with your DH regarding this?
     
    guesshoo and yellowmango like this.
  4. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    no i dint start a conversation yet..i dont know if i should start a conversation or not.. i am totally clueless what should be done..i dont even know if this a big issue to be addresses..but still it bugs my brain always
     
  5. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    sorry i dont get what you are saying?? can you be more clear??
     
  6. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    You have compared a marital relationship with that of an animal and a human? Are you serious??
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...as for the money....if it does not impact your budget in a big way,don't interfere.
    Once or twice a year ,giving gifts or money is not too much.
    Don't let it increase every year. If he is giving a bigger amount on pongal..you can spend less on the gift.If you feel the amount is going to increase every year,then you can tell him you should gift them sarees or gift items instead on money. Keep a budget in mind and go buy them yourself .Take part in the buying and the giving.

    As for expectations....gifts are just gifts and they make sense only if given from heart .
    Accept whatever is given with humility and give what you think you should be giving because a gift reflects on the giver.

    You have a good life ...don't bring unnecessary irritants in it.
     
    sindmani, Meghaa, Rihana and 2 others like this.
  8. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    OK... missy. I read a few of your posts, and you are such a good soul. Batting for the good life of many of the whiners here. I am not going to ask what makes you so.

    However, why is it that girls do not get good advice on a life strategy when they get an arranged marriage ? Isn't there an army of aunts ( women with prior experience) who would tell a girl what-is-what and how to leverage her advantage to sustaining power (bargaining position ?) in a marriage ? Are these women not good at training a daughter or a niece in how to train a new husband into appropriate behavior ? What is missing ? Could there be a smart phone app for that ;)? There has to be a business opportunity in training brides and grooms for marriage and life.
     
  9. divshiri87

    divshiri87 Gold IL'ite

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    Op,
    At first, why are you comparing your sisters with his sisters on what they gave? It may be a genuine case where they may not have enough money to spend for your kid's birthday. Whatever it may be a reason, just leave it.
    If his sisters are not doing well economically, he can give money within your budget. But don't do too much.
    If your Dh gift you gold, how would your sil know it,even if you are staying with them?
    Leave those who gifted and what gifted.
    Instead gift your Dh but this time ask him what he needs.
    In my opinion, we should ask our dear ones what they need so we will gift accordingly. Don't ask before event just check with him casually and you buy it on special days.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  10. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I think this is a petty issue and you should let it go.. i dont know your financial status, but if you are in the US then 5000 Rs in dollars turns out to be a not so big amount to spend on one's sister for a special occasion.

    Also I wouldn't compare gifts given by sil's vs your sister. It's the intent that matters, also the financial status of the giver.

    But i do agree that the reason for not buying any gold for you is annoying.. this takes time as some men feel guilty treating wives more important than their mom and sisters, but will happen, just be patient.. until then buy your own gold ;)
     
    sindmani likes this.

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