money matters the most to men?????

tulips · Sep 5, 2007

hi all
iam new to this indus ladies group and like it very much... i think its better to share our problems with unseen friends..many of the ladies here are away from india and i know how it feels not to have someone to share ur feelings.. indus ladies bridges the gap..

I got married 2 years ago when i was 21 and we are presently living in france..he came to see me in may and in august we were married... very short gap...i had just finished my engineering and also was placed in an MNC but since my marriage was fixed i decided not to join the job...aS usual i was a happy kalyana ponnu waiting for the big day..Problems started the very next day...My Parents as well as my inlaws are professionally qualified persons and my husband is a software engineer.. After one month he left me back and i was waiting for my visa to come.. But they said that my parents should only take the flight ticket... I said to him in phone that normally a huband should only take ticket for his wife... we had lot of misunderstandings he then said this to his mother and she started complaining that it was my mother who is making me talk.. my parents too really felt bad as i was the eldest child in my family..
any how they took the ticket for me and sent me here... even when we were applying for the visaafter our marriage, we were asked to take a dd for rs 1500 and even that too my husband told my father to take..After coming here i thought i should not talk abt the past and continue happily with the future... LIFE WAS NOT LIKE THAT... i HAVE HEARD THAT newly marrieds would be very
excited and happy...WE had not even gone for a honeymoon and even after coming here my husband did not take me anywhere out..not even for shopping... i felt like a servant just doing the house hold chores and sitting simply at home... he also would not give money to me.. after 2 months he joined me in a language cource and i daily used to walk 5 km to and fro..
he did not even wanted to send me by a bus.. even if i call my parents he would be grudging and saying that iam wasting his money and why not my parents call me..i really got very much frustrated and used to be crying every day...so i decided that i should go for a job and asked his permission.. he started shouting at me saying that in future he is planning to do business and for this pupose only he sent me to language classes so that i help him in business and now everything is a waste...for the first 1 year i used to accept everything and would not say a word to him but everyday my life was crying... is this natural ladies.. i dont know.. but has anyone had such experiences as a new bride...i had noteven had a single penny in my hand and the only place we would go out was supermaket..i had never asked to buy anything for me.. i had never said abt these to my parents or sister...they think iam happy..but other than these he was a very nice man, he had no bad habbits and will always say that he loves me very much and he would spend every minute away from the office only with me...he never goes out without me... but after one year my silence got broken and we used to have huge fights.. but i bursted out all my feelings... at one point he even asked sorry to me to all that has happened and promised that these things would never happen again...we had an open talk abt everything and now it is a lot better... he takes me out nowadays and gives me money so thet i go out to supermarkets whenever i feel bored... slowly i also said him that i wanted to work and after months of arguments he has accepted...life is much much better now but the thing is i dont love him a bit...whenever i see him i only think him to be a selfish and moneyminded person and dont feel love for him.. either i dont hate him also.. but for the past 4 months we dont have any fights ... we spend all time together... he loves me
so much...he is also so happy to have me as his wife and feels that we are a very close couple... because of his past bahaviuor iam not able to come close to him...any one out there please help me... i want to love my husband ... i want to feel close to him.. our ralation is happy but i dont feel any intimacy...but i never say these to him and act like i too love him bcoz i dont want to hurt him...i always view him an extremely selfish person...even now also he has opened an account for me and puts 250 euro evrymonth in that for household expences.. i really wonder why we dont have a joint account... he says he loves me so much... this and that ... strange....:idontgetit: i cant understand men... but i dont want to make this a probelm again..
i want to live happy with what i have.....i dont want to think abt his negatives andbe happy with the lot of positives he has...but its hard ...iam confused and depressed.. i want to change myself and forget the past.....
please hepl me out.....

Pritirach · Sep 5, 2007

Hi Tulips
Welcome to IL.I Understand your situation.It is really bad on your in laws part to behave in such immature way.They wanted your parents to buy ticket for you,but would they agree if you give your salary to them.Ok if not complete salary just part of it even for a month.:bangcomp:.They will the say all sorts of nonsense things that u are married and now u are not their responsibility then how come u are their responsibility when it comes to buying tickets?Although they are educated people they behaved badly,it means that education alone does not teach you morality and values.It comes with ones upbringing and thinking .

Now You are saying that everything is fine between you and ur hubby,don't worry about the past.I know it is difficult to forget.The scar remains.Even i am sort of person who cannot forgive and forget people.Once i get hurt it remains with me for long time and simply cannot forget it .I know it is bad but that is the way i am .Now your relationship with your hubby is improving so enjoy it .Don't worry about your in laws.U need not do anything to improve with them.Just be calm and patient and let the life move as it is.Just concentrate on ur hubby.He comes first.It is natural for you to remember all the past things tht he has done to you ,but u want to improve it right,so now express your love to him more often than before.Do it on your own and not after he says to you.I feel that if you say anything number of times automatically you will start feeling closer to him.So, express yourself as much as u can and you will start loving him by saying it.I am sure you will forget everything and lead a happy life.initial days of married life are struggling for everybody ,reasons may differ though.So enjoy life.

Priti

piu · Sep 5, 2007

Tulip,
forget what happened in past..where ur hubby now loving u n happy to be ur husband.it's ur win that he really want u n proud abt u..enjoy with him n give him love,care,intimacy.In initial days of marriage we girls facing lots of nasty probs which has no base by inlaws or hubbies.but those changes in time.Actually husbands behaviour depends on their parents guidence initially....so they act foolishly infront of their parents to make them happy.u have nothing to do here.so just forgive him.
take care urself.open saving account in ur name secretly...save there most of ur earnings.

be qualified ,be independend,do job,enjoy life.

tulips · Sep 6, 2007

hi piu and priti...

thank u for ur reply... i feel lot better after sharing with u people....
i hope that friends around us make us happy by being optimistic and giving
positive thoughts.... iam sure i will forego my problems and iam trying my level best..

WELLWISHER · Sep 6, 2007

Hi Tulips,

Sorry to hear what you went through. First year of marriage is the most difficult. I am glad to hear that things between you and ur hubby are fine now. He does love you. I think because of everything that has happened you are finding it really hard to forgive and forget. But you know, holding that grudge against him is not healthy for your relationship. In life, although as difficult as it may seem, you need to forgive and forget. Try to remember those times when you first fell in love with him..try to reignite those feelings and moments when you were with him. He has made a mistake but he has become better now so isn't it easier to say to urself that you will forgive him and try now to make it the situation better. Don't be upset as it is not worth it. Life is to short, focus on the good things happening now and stop your self when you are start thinking about the past.

Good luck!

your wellwisher

Ushie · Sep 7, 2007

dear,

most of the things you mentioned happened to me and still is happening. Except during my marriage my husband was in different town in India. My father was no more and my mom performed my marriage with her savings and my husband and inlaws demanded to take 1 class tickets for 50 people to and pro (with out my knowledge) after marriage also they expected my mom to take care of all my personal expenses and to buy lot of household things. after 7 years of my marriage we moved abroad and after coming here things got worst. He maintained seperate account and everything in his name and opened a seperate account for me and deposits 250 dollors for grocery and for my car's gas. (It's really difficult to manage). My only solution to all this problems are fighting it in its face instead of complaining to any third party. what you did is correct. I am waiting for my work permit and meantime i see ways to qualify myself (long gap of 7 years of not working). So, as time goes things will improve but mostly we can't change some men's attitude. Only we have to change.

bye
ushie

WELLWISHER · Sep 8, 2007

Hi Ushie,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. My prayers are with you and I hope that you get your work permit and are able to get independent soon. Once you get your permit, then you can work and will be able to support yourself. In this day and age women need to be independent and able to stand on their feet. Have you tried to talk to your hubby? Tell him how you feel. He may not change, but atleast you tried if you have not already. Once you start working, then you can have your own account and buy everything you want. Hang in there. The time will come soon..have faith. In the meantime, keep trying to keep yourself busy with other things. Once you start working and have a career things will hopefully get better.

Hang in there.

Your Wellwisher