Money Management between couples

rescue · Apr 7, 2011

Hi Ladies,

First I would like to say that IL has become one of the first place I search solutions for any kind of problems in marital life.I thank each one of the ladies out there who knowingly /unknowingly make a difference in so many ways by sharing your happiness and woes in this forum.

Now here is what is happening in my life and I would like to hear from you all whether you have faced a similar situation and what you did to make your husband understand your point of view.

It didn't take long for me to realize that me and my husband are complete opposite poles. We don't agree in anything. What values most for me would never be a consideration for my husband. But have learnt to deal with this difference .The same goes in financial world too.

I like to save a lot , like to pay away debts and have a good money kept aside for a rainy day so that I will feel secure financially.
My husband used to spend lavishly , doesn't bother about having money in account as saving. I can relate this habit with his mom.She spends lavishly for status and never ever saves or that's how it seems every time my inlaws ask for money for something or other .To note my FIL makes good money.But they project to their children whenever the need arises as though they is no money in the bank.

Even if there is a small balance in savings my husband feels it's too much to have that much money in saving and would be ready to give it to friends and his family when they ask for.One another problem is he is very hesitant to ask back for money from friends unless we need it. So if the need didn't arise he never asks the money back and gets to a point where we forget that he gave that money to friends.
When this is the case with friends , with family (i.e) his parents and siblings or his other relatives defn the money given to them is never asked back nor given back.Note : Please dont mistake me for someone who prevents my husband from helping his parents or siblings or relatives. He can very well do so . But usually the money is borrowed for expensive vacations , expensive gadgets/jewelery or wealth accumulation.It starts as borrowing but never gets returned back and my husband never asks for it either.

Both of us are working and we have a kid who is 3.i really get worried when my husband wipes of our balances by giving it to someone and never ever ask them back.Even though both of us work we are not able to save enough and it is almost like paycheck to paycheck.My husband used to spend a lot on himself. He has reduced this now. I have reduced my spending as well . But at the end when we think there is some good money in the account , there will be someone (family/friend) who needs it and the money will be given. I find it impossible to save money in my account even after being frugal. Now it's like somebody else enjoys in me being frugal.

I'm tired of fighting , speaking , discussing , yelling crying regarding this to my husband. But nothing works.And he never stops from giving or even consider reducing. I have mentioned it to him that there no need to say "YES" each and every time we get a request . But he always says we might need help someday and there should be people to help us so you better help now.I totally understand this , but I couldn't get anything I want , desire coz my husband dutifully points out that we are frugal now and we have to cut cost. I willingly agree so that we could save . But once he gets a request from his mom to give ???? many dollors for ???????. Immediately that's being taken care of.Now a days I have given up and don't ask any questions as this always takes away peace and harmony from the family.

But I always have this restless insecurity coz we are not saving doing anything fruitful . Attimes I think I'll quit the job , so that he feels more responsible and it will give me an opportunity to spend time with my kid instead of being so very busy, not getting time to spend quality time with kid .And after all these sacrifices the extra income just goes to satisfy the lavish /unnecessary demands of inlaws and does no good for my kid or me.
But attimes I'm hesitant to quit my job as well , as I know the mentality of my inlaws. Even now they can't stand if I buy something for myself or my kid , so if I quit working , i can't get anything for my kid or me as they will defn think that I'm taking away their son's money.

How to change this behavior/habit of my husband. Any ladies out there who were able to tackle this kind of husband /inlaws??????

Dhaanika · Apr 7, 2011

Don't fight and argue with him, it will take the form of a power struggle unnecessarily and make you both miserable.

Try this instead: set up two sub-accounts and direct deposit a part of your pay each month into both. The first account is a hands-off account, most of your pay goes into it, and you set up CDs every month from money in that account that mature only after a year or so, and keep building it up into a CD ladder - the money is just not accessible for withdrawal like this. The second account gets maybe 1-2% of your pay, that is the account he can use to make his gifts and so on... it will keep both of you happy.

You could also churn some numbers in a financial calculator and show him how much the fundamentals will cost you as a couple - retirement, kids college funds, house funds etc. The numbers are BIG, and maybe they will knock some sense into his head. Some people are simply clueless about the future. Run the numbers, and show him how much he needs to save today to make sure he has a comfortable life tomorrow. Or you can show him some numbers/data about the net worth of people his age and so on... again, men tend to be competitive, and looking at the big picture like that will help him realize he is far behind in his goals?

Also, start putting aside some money in IRAs each month, those can be direct deposited from your pay, and are completely hands off savings for the retirement/house sort of things.

DNM · Apr 7, 2011

You may want to have a financial consultant come home and talk numbers with the both of you. Maybe your DH will be more willing to listen to a professional telling him that his savings for the future is hardly enough. Maybe he needs to be shown the bigger picture, college expenses for kids and retirement savings....it is scary these days how expensive life is going to get in a few years...

About the lending money to friends - maybe you need to start keeping track, making notes. Then you initiate the discussion to ask for loan back. I don't know about loans to siblings...that is a very sensitive topic...personal as well. Money must be respected and treated with care. I can understand your frustrations. You are not wrong to want security.

justanothergirl · Apr 7, 2011

I can see ur point .My suggestion is along the same lines as Dhanika and DNM..
Create a new account. Most companes oblige if u tell them to direct deposit part of ur salary in one and the rest in another.
If u get a pay check every 15 days contribute one pay check for household expenses and one pay check for ur savings.
Tell him he can do whatever he wants with his salary but a portion of ur salary goes towards ur furture and stick to it.
Hopefully he realizes at some point how important saving is. But u cannot keep waiting for this to happen.

Spiderman1 · Apr 7, 2011

rescue,
You have Dhaani, DNM and JAG for the first 3 responses. Consider yourself on the way to be rescued

I think they have nailed it, only thing is dont quit your job for this issue, and also try to have your own account (not joint account). Save in that and then use it to invest somewhere (long-term type investment), so the money is not hanging loose for easy give-aways.

Check out Fin. forums of IL for details on ideas.

babycorn · Apr 7, 2011

Iam in the same situation.I have fought,argued,cried and nothing seems to work out.I give much importance to savings,investments etc.I was working for 5 years.He is/was earning a good salary too.But we dont have solid investments,not a house,jewels etc.when I look back all I can say is,the money has been spent on friends,luxury stuff etc.

I have lost my sleep because of this.

I dont care about those things now for my own mental peace.

Iam not working right now.He knows he is the earning member.Let me see if there are any improvement

This is what I did to see some improvement

1.I used to save in FDs/RDs and never leave money in his account for him to spend.(I need to give him money if he asks me.But hiding it from him makes some difference though)

2.Having 2 to 3 accounts will also help.

rashmi19 · Apr 7, 2011

I am also sailing in same boat.we are 4 yrs old happily married with no kids.Mine hubby is same no savings. think of something its at home. but surprisily i never had fight on this. After marriage i allowed him to spent the only reason was iwanted to know where he spends or rather his spending habits was tracked by me for 1 yr. After that i automatically started saving.
Mine is not a big job.But what ever i earn goes inmy company salry account.i never use money from there not even Rs.500 is removed.All household expenses minor to minor is borne by my hubby.Also i have piggy bank every yr on 1st april we start putting money whatever whenever..till 31st march.then we break that & count .this year i e on 31st march i had saved rs.4500 (suprisily)because rupee1 or 2 coins or 5 or10 rupee note was only used.so didnt expect somuch of money.But most suprisinly this year even my hubby contibuted in this.It took 3 yrs.so have paitence darling.....2ndly every yr on my bithday,his birthday & our anniversay i invest in NSC or FDs or Rds . may be rs.5000 is may target but in any way it gets invested.. try this also
enjoy your savings with ur kiddo....
have paitence to change his world of saving & belive me its works...
baby steps today but atleast start

rescue · Apr 7, 2011

Dhaanika said: ↑

Don't fight and argue with him, it will take the form of a power struggle unnecessarily and make you both miserable.

Try this instead: set up two sub-accounts and direct deposit a part of your pay each month into both. The first account is a hands-off account, most of your pay goes into it, and you set up CDs every month from money in that account that mature only after a year or so, and keep building it up into a CD ladder - the money is just not accessible for withdrawal like this. The second account gets maybe 1-2% of your pay, that is the account he can use to make his gifts and so on... it will keep both of you happy.

You could also churn some numbers in a financial calculator and show him how much the fundamentals will cost you as a couple - retirement, kids college funds, house funds etc. The numbers are BIG, and maybe they will knock some sense into his head. Some people are simply clueless about the future. Run the numbers, and show him how much he needs to save today to make sure he has a comfortable life tomorrow. Or you can show him some numbers/data about the net worth of people his age and so on... again, men tend to be competitive, and looking at the big picture like that will help him realize he is far behind in his goals?

Also, start putting aside some money in IRAs each month, those can be direct deposited from your pay, and are completely hands off savings for the retirement/house sort of things.
Click to expand...

Dhaanika,
Thanks a lot for your inputs. I like your idea of running the numbers to him.And defn like the concept of showing him some numbers about the net worth of people of his age, that might have effect on him.Coz I hve done this prev and then his immediate reaction would be "I need to earn more" and he starts exploring ways for that. But the problem his he doesn't realise that is not going to make us save more.The problem here is not the amount of money he is earning currently , but the way in which it is spent.Everytime his salary raises the demands from inlaws and his frds increases. I wish he realizes soon tht his behavior towards money is what needs to be changed.And that's why I'm exploring ways in which I can make him realize.

harinisripada · Apr 7, 2011

Check this post Complete Financial Planning - IndusLadies

Use it as guidance, make an excel or whatever document you're comfortable with and go to your husband with facts and figures instead of emotions !!!

Hope you're both able to sort out your priorities!! :thumbsup

Keep smiling
Harini

rescue · Apr 7, 2011

DNM said: ↑

You may want to have a financial consultant come home and talk numbers with the both of you. Maybe your DH will be more willing to listen to a professional telling him that his savings for the future is hardly enough. Maybe he needs to be shown the bigger picture, college expenses for kids and retirement savings....it is scary these days how expensive life is going to get in a few years...

About the lending money to friends - maybe you need to start keeping track, making notes. Then you initiate the discussion to ask for loan back. I don't know about loans to siblings...that is a very sensitive topic...personal as well. Money must be respected and treated with care. I can understand your frustrations. You are not wrong to want security.
Click to expand...

Hi DNM, Thanks for your suggestion as well. I will consider the option of personal consultation with the financial consultant as well. Last month I started motivating him to listen to some audio books about being frugal and making concerete savings etc and how it makes a difference in life etc .But he is not very much into it yet.He started listening it and after few minsutes into it he said, it's against it principle - His principle - Try to Earn more to live the life as you want -(Influence of Rich Dad Poor Dad) not being frugal and save.Since my idea was a Flop show , I have to try the personal consultation with Financial consultant.I'm trying all ways to make him understand hopefully he understands and changes soon.