Moms hydrama...how to control here

swarnav · Jun 18, 2010

Hi all IL members

i am with some problem again..
i have shared my issue with my sisters.
sorry for long post.
i have already posted my mother story and life in my previous post.
i got excellent supporting advices and guidence from our IL sisters.
Now..
my mother is staying with me to take care of my kid studying 3rd std.
as we( I amd DH) r working. Everyday she is creating issues. she has dnoe all types of business till now, with loss.
i have paid all the loss and brought here to my house to stop her busineses and asked her to not to do any work now, just take care of my kid once he comes from the school.
Now she is playing with me, as i dont have any alternative.
Till night 12 0 clock she is talking over the phones in her room,
i asked her seriously, who is that again you r entertaining.
she told, wants to leave us and go some where where she find independency. i just kept quite.
now.. today morning, she called and crying saying that,
"i am not a slave to you, you find a person who takes care your kid.
this is not my responsibily.today only i will leave."
i was very clam and dint respond to her, and said ok.
As i mentioned earlier " she has all the bad contacts when my father was there also"
now i am scared her to send back to her city, and allow her to stay alone.
she may do anything now.
She is thinking that i am using her. I never behaved with her like this,
only thing i dont like is.. she always talks over the phone till midnight.
if i ask who is that also, she wont tell.. just says " friend"
she behaves very harshly.
i am really struggling with her..if my husband come to know abt her past history and current thing, he will react very rudely.
i am not able to control her too.
wht should i do?
i am not able to sleep in nights.

need mental peace.

Swarna

anuram09 · Jun 18, 2010

I will advice you to send her back to home. Inspite of all of your efforts to reform her, she is not realizing her mistakes. Please dont spoil your life.

swarnav · Jun 18, 2010

Hi anuram

Thanks for your suggession.

I can send her back, that is not a problem.
But now my consun is , she is having some one at this age.
that i know clearly. if she goes there.. it will be a big issue.
i should tell one thing here.
after my father expiry, ( not even 2 yrs i think)
one day she told that, she has to go to some tour.
By that time it self i and my sisters already known something is happening backside.
beacuse that time also she used to talk over the phones till midnights.
she used to go outside and come in late nights with out cooking.
she used to live like a bachelor.
atlast, one day she went to some tour and came after two days
along with one man.
then she told, thsi relation was going on from past two yrs, we got married now yesterday.
its really a big shock to all of us. atlast we have accepted.
then, that man was there almost two yrs with us.
he used to eat and lseep, no work nothing.
he planned like, as we r well settled family, he can getton here.
he used lot of money, and gold also.
one day, we argued with my mother and made this as a big issue.
and asked her to get out from our house with this man.
then, she realised her mistake and disconnected the contacts with him.
only my moms mother and her siblings know this story till now
no other relatives expecially my father side relatives.
now also, if she does this type of mistake again ,, i cont imagine.
as i and my sisters are singles that time, some how we have pulled her out from the problems.
i am realy depressed ...
need some emotional support in this.
i cont share with my husband.
as my sisters marriages are love marriages, those guys know everything before marriage and married them.
my situation is different.
mine is a arranged marriage from my fathers relatives.
i cont share this to anybody.
swarna

Visu2k · Jun 18, 2010

Though I don't have any advice for you on this, I am curious to know why everyone else is not touching this thread! May be tackling father's affairs is easier than a mothers' for most ladies. I can understand that your mothers actions have a bearing on your life, but is it not true your mother is free to chose to get re-married or have an affair?

anuram09 · Jun 19, 2010

Try to talk to your husband like "I heard some bad things about my mother,dunno what to do and whether to believe or not". Just try to put a image that you dunno anything. If this will not help then,whenever your husband comes to know about this himself, take a stand that you heard this and that about your mom,but you dint believe them and you are not sure whats happening. According to me your kids and hubby are important and you cannot do more for your mother. Also doing things to a person who cannot realize is utter waste. Just send her back to her hometown and take care of your family and be peaceful. No meaning in spending sleepless nights. You can tackle when such situation comes. Dont try to take responsibilities for your mother further. You have done your best. What else you can do dear???! All the best.

maggi99 · Jun 20, 2010

Dear, If your mom is around you then you are gonna end up with sore things in your married life and no peace. Just let go her to your hometown. With a person like your mom its too difficult to tie a rope and monitor or take control. People who do mistake knowing that its a mistake cannot be changed so easily. Dont lose your energy in changing.

And I just dont suggest you to tell about this to your DH. Its like putting mud on your head yourself(bad translation of an idiom). Cross the bridge when it come to light. Dnt keep breaking head of what if your father side relatives comes to know and all those....relatives usually keep looking for chance to badmouth... JUST DONT CARE. (And do u think your father side relatives might not know all these, that she was in affair with your Dad's bro and all... quite impossible...topics like this spread faster than fire)

I can imagine how horrible your 3 girls would have felt with all those things happening at home.

My FIL (MIL is still there) has befriend a widow from another town and frequently visits her, she has 2 married daughters from a decent background family. All these acts of that lady is done in dark and definetly those two daughters do not know this. And my DH and siblings beat around the bush though they know abt FIL.

Malyatha · Jun 21, 2010

1. Your mother does not want to live in your house and act as maid / nanny / child-care provider for you. She feels that you are controlling her and putting restrictions on her. Listen to her. And let her go. She is an adult and should have some say in how she lives. If you want your kid taken care of, then hire a nanny.

2. Your mother wants to earn a livelihood by doing business. I don't see any problems with this - she wants to live independently and must have a source of income. Now, if the business ends in a loss, then it should be HER problem, not yours. You do not need to pay her debts, period. But telling her that she should live with you and not do anything with her life except take care of your child is really not fair to her. She should be able to live as she pleases without any control / intervention from her daughters.

3. What do you mean by 'bad contacts'? Do you mean the uncle that you talk about in another thread? If she wants to stay in touch with this fellow, then she should be aware of the dangers in doing so. If she still prefers to play with fire, then let her. She is a grown woman, after all. Some people only learn things the hard way, and, until SHE realizes what sort of a person and an opportunist he is, she is going to resent you for controlling who she moves with and who her 'friends' (for lack of a better word) are.

4. Your mother is a widow. As such, she should be able to remarry whoever she pleases. I feel it is unfair for her daughters to tell her to remain a widow for the rest of her life - after all, you are all married and settled, and busy with your own lives now. She wants a companion to grow old with, and who will provide physical and moral support for her, through the years. Is this desire so strong???

5. Your husband should not be judging you based on your mother's actions. You cannot, in any way, shape or form, be held responsible for what she does with her life. He needs to grow up already and quit blaming you for her activities.

6. Let her leave your home and live independently. Don't subject yourself (and her) to such difficulty by insisting that she live with you. She neither wishes to, nor will be, of much help to you. And you will be spared of all this drama once she leaves. That alone should be incentive enough for you to let her go.

shivachoubey · Jun 21, 2010

Hi,

Your mom is an adult, period. Let her live her life. Stop controlling your mom. I agree with Malyatha, your husband should not judge you based on your mom's action. In short she wants to be independent like any other adult and she has the right to be independent.

So let her go and live her life.

regards