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Mom Sucks Again... Need Help

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Apr 28, 2020.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear friends,
    Hope you are doing good amidst this COVID19 craziness all over the world.

    Intact, after a decade or so, me & my H are living under one roof for this many days continuously. It is indeed a very pleasant experience since most of our displeasures were due to long distance relationship & others interferences.
    Kids enjoy the presence of both parents & we all cherish our lives unlike before.

    However, it is my mother who isn't happy about this development. She sucks, depressed and blabers things that emotionally hurts us.

    A little background about my mom for those who don't know her...

    She & I never a perfect relationship.
    In fact, she hated me as a kid and always favoured my other 2 siblings over me.
    She would compare myself to every X, Y and Z only to criticize & put me down.

    Those were the most painful days, that i had to always pretend just as how my mom wanted me to live, than living my life.
    Even then there wasn't any appreciation.

    I worked so hard only to shine in my academics so that o could make my mom proud to win her heart. I think it worked in a way, if not for her love, at least i grabbed her attention for that.

    Later, she disapproved our marriage and had no plans to even spend a day at my home then.

    In 2011, i had a lot of marital issues and i moved out of the town for work with a 1 yr old kid in hand. Thud she conditioned to live with us for 2 weeks till the kid gets familiarize with the new nanny.

    During this time she had some unpleasant issues with my newly married sis & bro back at home, so she decided to extend her stay with us by expelling the nanny.

    Over the months, I became fully dependent on her with the kid, & continued to have marital issues too.
    Once all of a sudden, she decided to go but offered to take the kid with her to her home.
    I had no other option, but allowed her to do do by arranging a maid in our home town.
    I had to live separately from my 1 yr old kid back then.

    Similarly, when i delivered the second kid, she came in & stayed there for 6 months. After that, she left.
    Without my H's support i couldn't handle both the kids with my full time hectic managerial Job. Beside i was the primary bread winner at home with a heavy housing loan to repay.
    So, without any arguments, I gave in to her demands and sent both my kiddos (3 yrs & 6 months) away with her.
    I had no reliable day care or nannies in that new city hence didnt wanna risk with my young kids safety by keeping them with me.

    I've arranged 2 nannies & a driver at my own home in our home town, so that mom could comfortably live there with kids. I visited them frequently though.

    Constant travelling made me sick, yet i had no choice.

    All these while I've only seen her selfless love with the kids & me. But now a days i am seeing it from a different ankle.

    Yes, during this COVID19 we are home, and taking fullest control of the home to be happy. Mom hates this and often subtlety suggests that my H should go to work.

    When lockdown became strick, she started playing politics by bringing old issues now and trigger me to have heated arguments with H.

    She criticizes him for watching TV constantly and doing no help in the home etc etc... Specially when i am supper busy with WFH & cooking without help. Which again creates unpleasantness.

    So, after a while I've decided not to get carried away with mom's emotions but to sit with H and work things out.
    Bcz there is no hurry to get things done in certain way or time.
    And it works well for us.

    But mom sucks...

    3 weeks back all of a sudden she came to watch music show in TV. But kids & H were watching spiderman which infuriated her.

    From that moment onwards she stopped talking to us. Behave weirdly as if we have insulted her, and neglected her wishes.
    She is on self pity mode and says that she has become useless to us & we disrespect her. So to protect her self respect she chooses to stay in her nest alone.

    Kids are upset seeing her this way, and i feel extremely bad for it.
    I even fought with H for constantly watching TV without letting others to enjoy it. But he was right that mom never asked or requested for a slot.

    Nevertheless my H & I begged for forgiveness, asked her to be normal, made her ample opportunity to be comfortable and what not.

    During these 3 weeks i had cried and pleaded her to be normal because it kills our happiness during this pressured times. But she pays no heed & adamant.

    She has always been like this, specially with me since childhood. That's why i had to act and not to live before her. But i can't do that all my life.

    I feel it is too much that she should stop using me and living my life.

    Now that, since i stopped worrying so much about her silence, rather acting so... She too started doing things aggressively. Like she doesn't eat or eats late, very less etc...
    She suffers with insomnia and roams around the house during mid night like a mentally challenged person.

    She closes the room most of the time and not even talks with kids.

    With my previous experience, I know that she will be back to normal if i start a huge fight with my H.
    Which i do in other hectic days whenever she complains against him as this. Bcz those times i would be pressurized to settle all the issues within those 2 days of my weekend visits and make sure mom is in normal terms while i leave kids with her on Monday mornings. The least i want from my H is a silly problem like TV or Kitchen matter which triggers mom. So i show my displeasure, tension and all on him & sometimes use harsh words too. But miraculously mom gets healed and things get better.

    After that, I would cry alone the next 5 days for what have i done to my man. I even apologize to him later without mom's knowledge. And he knows why i act so before her, as both are helpless but dependent on mom back then. I feel ashamed about that now.

    Now that i don't wanna do that. I want to live my life as per my terms. And i can't continue to please mom the way she expects.

    But she is too old... Probably she is truly depressed ,( she has thyroxin).
    If so, ignoring her or taking no action may cause serious damage.

    She may inform my other siblings about the issue negatively and if anything bad happens they might curse me as a selfish.
    Bcz everyone says i should be thankful for what she has been doing to us all these days.

    But i know from heart that I've been adjusting and acting all my life just to please mom, that to at the cost of my own life & marriage. No one would do that....

    What to do guys??
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    She is behaving like a kid. So treat her like one. Is it possible for you to buy another TV and install it in her room? Look like she wants her territory and your undevided attention. She dont like you make your dh as priority.
    As all of you are there, she feels like you all invaded her space,I think. Take it easy. You can't change her. Change your response. Instead of ignoring behave as if nothing happened and care her as usual. I think your dh is adjusting too much. It's good to spend time with dh, but not in front of her. For some reason known to her she can't handle that you are happy & enjoying your time.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2020
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  3. mindwar

    mindwar Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,

    My mother also behaves like yours. She needs attention all the time. She cannot feel happy when others have fun.

    Your mother might have been the center of your universe at some point in your life. She is still clinging to that and she is not able to digest that she is secondary or has to share that space with your husband whom she dislikes. Selfish behavior. But nothing can be done unless she realizes on her own. Such people care less if your life gets irreparably damaged. My mother is one who wouldn't mind seeing her kids unhappy for her own happiness.

    I would advise you to end fighting with your husband for her. You have a longer life with your husband than what you have with her. It is very difficult to live under same roof with such people. I understand your problem. But I don't think there is anything you can do to permanently solve it. All measures are only temporary. Make peace with that. Your long term solution is to separate as a nuclear family. I dont know if its possible for you.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    @DDream & @mindwar
    Thanks for your prompt responses.

    I can't get another TV immediately since we are under lockdown currently. However when such problems arrived in the past i offered to buy one for her, but she didn't accept it. She rather forced me not to do so, thinking how it can be taken by others, specially her other kids as if she is unadjisting & causing problems to me. She even blamed me for damaging her image this way. So i kept quit & asked my H to limit his TV time, specially when ever she chooses to watch soaps.
    I always asked him to think about the favor she is rendering with kids and her mood specially when we are away, so kids would be under her care. So my H always adjust though hesitantly.

    Now that we all are home & do nothing. For him movies are the best part of it, and for mom her soaps are not running anymore. That's why H ,& kids retorted to TV all the time.
    But it doesn't mean they are in front of TV 24/7.
    Kids study, play with dad outside, nap in the afternoon, cook with me blah blah. So she could have found a time in between or watch movies together. But she sucks!

    As you said, she wants to be the center point and controlling body wherever she lives. That's why she couldn't handle at my siblings places when she intended to live there before.
    Though it was her home & they lived at her place before. But she still felt things are not moving as she wants, rather as the new couple wants; hence complained & moved out.

    But for her favor, for the past decade i allowed her to be independent in my own home as both myself & H came here only during weekends.
    In such times, she goes to visit her other kids, siblings etc... So she never had to stay with us under one roof for too many days!

    Each time when there were circumstances to stay together, she made sure we don't take that option. Using her Vito power as the care taker, she refuses to come to the places we chose to settle & blow things out of proportion to challenge the issues to come should I move ahead without her.
    Since i never had a strong connection with H, I had no choice but to depend on her at the end.
    Even if my H convinces to be responsible, I still doubted him based on our past & based on what mom keeps telling/reminding. So i never moved on.
    This way, we both lived away though we had a home, family & kids. But all were under mom's control.
    We didn't even realize that, rather felt happy for what she has been doing to us. Infact she would project her services as noble & made me believe that i am the most incapable, yet lucky mom to have a support in child care.

    As you suggested, I've actually acted as if nothing happened. Cared for her & casually communicated always. But that infuriates her even more as if I am trying to normalize her pain & discomfort. I don't know what to do?

    Last time during one such circumstance, I chose to invite my bro & asked him to judge the situation. He scolded mom for being stubborn & supported me. Infact he said i should move to my work city & mom should join if she really cares for me. Else i should stop depending on mom.
    The next day mom became normal & pleased me.

    Each time, situation comes back to normal if i involve my siblings as mom doesn't wanna show her bad side to them.
    But she black mails these days that she would kill herself if i talk to siblings about this problem. But surely, she would communicate with them secretly her side of the story.

    I am not worried about it now as my siblings have very high regards about me, in fact higher than mom. But i feel bad for her ungreatful selfish behavior & her old age ailments.

    Had she been 20 yes younger, I would have handled this matter differently
     
  5. mindwar

    mindwar Bronze IL'ite

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    Can you drop her off at your siblings place if they are near by till you resume your job? You shouldn't miss out on your family time because of your mom's moodiness.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2020
  6. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Sgbv,

    Finding alternatives is the only solution for your issues.
    If you cant have another tv, tell your dh to watch his fave on laptop or tab. Get him subscription for amazon prime or hotstar or netflix.

    This way your mother can watch tv without issue.

    And please don't fight with dh even if to show her. You can tell her he is your spouse n you will talk to him later about it. And leave it at that.

    Even if your husband doesn't mind knowing the situation, it will take a toll on both of your mental health and also affect marital bond in the long run.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks...
    Issue is not really the TV time. But her dependency that she hates.

    I've addressed the TV issue immediately. In fact H & kids have found alternatives like laptop & playing outside in no time.
    Earlier they didn't really thought of her, but went on to watch their favourite shows one after the other. They, specially kids always invited her to watch TV together, but she told them not interested back then.

    To be honest, she was busy with her you tube channels the moment soap dramas stopped in the TV.

    But a month after, we had issues with Internet and her YouTube wasn't working properly. That's when she wanted to watch TV, but it was very much into my H's control then.

    She is angry on me for not sparing any TV/leisure time for her.
    And not fighting with H for that mistakes now.

    I feel she is being selfish, arrogant, and too much into self respect when the whole family is struggling to cope with this lock down here.

    I am losing out my pressures weeks with family because of mom's madness.
    I lose my emotions too fast & scold kids when i feel so messed up with her silent treatment. Needless to say how sour it gets with H.
    But she doesn't get it... Still stick to her own selfishness than the damaging relationship.

    My bro & sis accommodate their in-laws in their own homes. And they do share a decent relationship with them. Mom never feels home there, as she can't dictate anything in those places.
    Now that, I can't expect her to stay!
    Even asking something like this could trigger the issue badly.
     
  8. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    These things are quite common with elders when the younger generation depends on them for extended period of time, your mom sounds like my grand mom (mom's mom), she make sure she is always grumpy for the silliest reason and make sure she hurts my mom for every d**n reason (BTW my mom is 55yrs, lost my dad a yr back and working woman). What I learn from my analysis is they think that they have been contributing their "services" for so long yet people are giving less/no importance to their happiness/comfort, i guess there will couple of options in this:

    - Send your mom away to one of your siblings (let her choose) for 3-4months every year, so you both get some break from each other or Set her up independently if she is comfortable with that living.
    - Give in her "mood swings" by giving up your happiness and family harmony by keep fighting with DH in front of Kids and your mom who will be "normal" if you do that.

    Good luck
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Hi again...

    Can't send her with siblings right now. Can't even suggest that knowing the below facts:-
    1. Due to lockdown & curfew
    2. Sister lived with her in-laws so mom won't & can't stay there for more than a day
    3. Bro has a kid fighting leukemia & his in-laws visit there frequently for help. He can't & won't be ready to accommodate mom this time without a burning reason.
    4. Even if my siblings are ready, mom won't go there, but be grumpy more than now to make things worse to make me guilt. So that i wouldn't suggest this or others will advice me against such suggestion.

    On the other hand, I did fight/argue with H & kids for this. But not harshly as before.
    Bcz i am aware of the fact that they too are depressed and depression at this stage could take us unwanted places if triggered negatively.
    So, unless they are on fault, I maintain decent relationship with them during this lockdown. It keeps us sane.

    I begged, cried & apologized with her & asked her to be normal as it affects us. But she didn't budge

    Then i ignored her angriness, then she started acting weird to seek our attention like not eating on time, not switching the AC or fan but drench in sweats.
    Sleep in the floor without even a mattress or pillow in addition to all the silent drama!

    So today i confronted with her. Asked her what's her problem? And why it takes her too long to forgo things given this situation? Bcz it is not a huge problem & I hardly get leaves like this to be with family. So why can't she consider it?
    So she became defensive and started accusing us with old details only to make me guilt ridden. But actually i didn't feel guilt this time, as i too got remembered all those old details where how i was victimized by mom's drama in the past.
    So i left the room & completely ignored her.

    Now that she acts too much like coughing, and showing it as if she is suffering. If i offer to help, she screams to leave her alone.
    Acts like a real mental patient.

    But again my gut feeling say it is yet another drama as I've seen many before. Though my heart aches, I still chose to be numb and unaffected but pray to God for a happy ending soon.

    I've been used to such dramas all my life, and here I've reached that point where i no longer can handle it.
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    do you practice any activities like meditation. if not , please do. there is no strong solution for your issue. my MIL and MY MOM is like that. so double drama . i used feel so stressed few years back . now with my yoga and meditation, i can almost block her emotional outburst in my mind and divert my attention .

    till then, ignore and try to divert your mental state to something that really matters, like kids education or money or health. like channelling thoughts on how those stuff can be improved. it is quite powerful.

    sorry if this sounds so superficial, but i have experienced that kind of drama, it will drain you if cannot change your internal feelings and state
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.

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