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Mom Behaves Like A Spoiled Kid

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Mar 10, 2019.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Friends,

    I am really pissed off right now, but unfortunately i can not show my emotions out. Hence venting here.

    Its about my mother who lives with us in our home since the past 6 years or so.
    She has been the main pillar and the major support system for me and the kids since she moved in here.
    I truely honor that, and even openly regard her for that. Both physically and financially i help her so much when and where she is in need. As well, she has gone out of her ways to help me survive when i had tough times in life before.

    Now that, she is old (70) but healthy, yet she mostly needs my help to live. And i have started sacrificing commendably to make her elderly life peaceful and happy for everything she has done. And things are fine as we both have never felt compelled or forced to help each other, as we do it out of love.

    The issue is....
    She went to my bro's home today, as she goes there every weekends. She doesn't feel comfortable there, so she would return back at night anyways.

    Today, she forgot to take her set of keys to our home. So asked me around noon whether we r going outside (usually we go to the park, beach or to eat out as family on weekends) today?
    At that time i felt headache and terribly tired, so i said ' probably not today'.

    Buy at around 5 pm, my kids requested for an outing and i too felt OK to go, so i informed mom about it. Since my bro's family was also about to leave for a movie (mom was not prepared to go) and she did not have our key to return... She got panicked as to where to go?
    She should have stayed at bro's place till either set of us returned, so that she would have gotten a lift to come back.
    But she tried a few taxis in a hurry in vain, and felt angry on me for changing the plan.

    First of all, I didn't know that she missed the keys. Second, I have no idea that she wanted to return early than usual. But knowing her well, I chose to stay at home till she comes back (with Bro, on his way to the movie)... And asked kids to wait, so that we all could go out little later and eat out tonight. I even told her that.

    Mom came at 6.30pm, but burst out with tears as if i had done a serious crime. She was in self pity mode, saying such insults wouldn't have happened had she stayed in her own home instead of staying with me.

    Intact, she had a home which she gifted to my sis on her wedding. Sis yet to occupy that home though. But initially for a couple of months after marriage, both mom and SIS's family jointly lived there, and my mom had lots of issues with sis and her Hus.. Hence i offered her a place at my home, which was totally unplanned.

    But the timing was in my favor that i had marital problems and needed support with the kiddo.
    She eventually became a permanent member of our home and started liking it.
    She wouldn't even spent a full day at any of my siblings home.

    On the other hand, I have made a lot of sacrifices since the past 6 years to host an elderly member at my home. Its not a cake walk...
    It takes a lot of compromise, adjustments, interfering, unwanted advises etc... But the privilege of living with mom is worth all these issues. Hence i never complained.

    But she keeps on controlling us like this, and make us a scapegoat for each and every issue seems annoying.
    Even today, it was her mistake that she forgot the key.
    But she cries and makes a drama with long face /not eating as if i had done a crime.
    All she complaints was that i changed my plan... But do i really need an appointment with anyone to go out with my immediate family when we are free?
    That too even after adjusting our timing to fit hers to make her comfortable without showing anything on face...

    I feel so upset now. Kids are sad that i cancelled our outing toninght. In fact, we planned a happy outing. But when she cries and keeps long face like this, how can we enjoy outside by leaving her alone at home?

    I know, she will be all right tomorrow or the day after. But it will definitely spoil my mood, and it is unwanted.

    What irks me is her complaints like she was trapped at my place and like she had to lose her home because of me... Which is untrue
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2019
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  2. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    This is the case in many homes.We will be blamed for no fault of ours.One has nothing to do but to ignore and move on.This also shall pass.
    jayasala 42
     
    Sri2196 likes this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks ma

    I think it has to do with her age, and stubborn birth nature.
    She in fact does this many times.

    Whenever she feels like she is wronged or mistaken, she will play this victim card with self destructive manner- by not eating, going to her closed shells, crying all day. Even if that is a simplest thing as of now.
    She doesn't wanna be criticized or blamed. So when there is a possibility, she diverts the whole issue to a different path, and ends up creating sympathy towards her.

    We used to get panicked and volunteer to apologize and bend over backward in the past just to bring her back to normal self. Bcz she becomes an angel when she is normal.
    But now, I am tired. I only ignored it and make sure she eats at least something to put her medicine on time. That's all.

    She is now suffering severe headache and refuse to take headache medicine. Pulls her hair only to show us how much she suffers. Acts like a kiddo at times, and i blame her age for that.
    I know headache is due to gastritis, as she did not eat last night. I only gave some milk.
    And if headache comes, there is a medicine for that too. She has them.
    What's the point of rejecting breakfast and Medicine but pulling the hair as a symptom of headache.
    It is to make me feel guilt and make me apologize for none of my mistakes.
    I know she is inferior, but i can't help.

    Putting up with this itself (with so much in my head ) is a great help according to me.

    Vent over
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  4. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    Her need of having her own family with her strong position is making her behave like this. She cannot express her feelings as she feel that no one will understand and due to this she loses her mental balance and behave abnormally. I know one more similar case and there too that mom behaves like you mentioned here. This is natural and you have to deal with this with love. Give her the command of few things. Tell her to decide and follow what she says. Make her feel important. At this age she expects a lot of respect not just the space to live. I know you are strong enough to handle this too. Take care.
     
  5. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    Hey @SGBV

    I really understand all the feelings that you are going through. You just need to be heard and the right thing to get over is venting out.



    The words above are just right and measured.

    But there’s one thing that I would like to mention with regard to the last line, in the context of never feeling compelled. As much as I believe it is true, we all as humans tend to find ways to express our dominance at times. A mother daughter relationship is also give and take, as that is the basic premise of any relationship. All our relationship issues stem out of a word called “expectations”; It’s just so natural to expect people to conform to a certain behavioural norm and how much ever, we feel that it is something we don’t do for any selfish reasons… the bottomline is ….we still do!

    As you have rightly expressed that it isn’t a cakewalk to have your mother stay at your place, similarly it isn’t easy for her also to stay at her daughter’s home and not feel at home completely. For anyone, whats a home ?, a place one feels completely in control and not at the mercy of anyone else. It is , perhaps , this thought that drives her to behave in this manner.

    You may also be right, in not ever making her feel that you are doing her a favor to her by letting her stay at your place, but subconsciously as you have mentioned above


    You do think that there is a certain regard that she should have for you, which may not be out of place, but does get transmitted to her & vice versa. I have realised , however mature, one feels and appears and thinks, when it comes to our own selves, we do crave certain regard and expect a certain level in relationships , which sadly is not in our control.

    If we can tone down our expectations and also the actions we follow are borne out of pragmatic, fair and honest thinking, and to the most carries the other persons comfort; then we may carry it out guilt free, irrespective of the other party’s reaction.
    You are quite a blessed one ,to have so much support. All the Best, this is just the see saw of life! All's well that ends well
     
  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    My sympathies...can undertand how hurt you would be to see such behaviour of your own mother..
    I don't know enough to comment about your mother but have seen that this kind of behaviour is common among people in 70-80 years age group..have seen and heard from my family circle and from what others told me...
    At this age they feel weak, tired, lonely and unwell and manny have frustrations of their past bad experiences..maybe some feel insecurity and feel that no one cares about them or has time to talk to them etc..personal and financial insecurity,.epsecially in abscence of life partner..
    Not saying what your mom did s right..but u should identify the triggers and deal with it in affectionate and diplomatic way...after all she is your mom and she supported you during your difficult times...
    FYI My friend ' s grand mom is diabetic and she sometimes used to have these severe mood swings, she would purposely not take her diabetes meds and drink sugar syrup etc so that she would have high sugar level and collapse and get attention...
    My Friend's FIL also who is in 70s is either paranoid about the fact that he is unwanted by his sons and grand children or has self pity that no one cares for him...he creates unwanted scenes by fighting or shouting unnecessarily..it causes so much stress to his caregivers.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks everyone for listening to my vent patiently, and more importantly for giving your valuable suggestions. I appreciate this very much.

    The issue has been sorted out this evening, and she behaves as usual now. In fact very cool, and helping and whatnot.

    I knew that she will return to her normal self, if I keep quite and ignore her tantrums like how I do with my young kids. And it is the case even today.
    But it feels overwhelming to witness such self destructive manner of your own mom that too for something against me. I felt deeply saddened and could not concentrate on anything, not even on my kids, though this is nothing new to me. I feel like I should be more capacitated to handle this down the line.
    And my mom might be slipping to depression, as she has been suffering from thyroid problems since past 40 years (before even I was born). And the Drs say it is possible that she might slip into clinical depression due to the medication and condition, though her levels are under control for now. Perhaps, her mind swings are all related to it, and I should better act now with the help of a Dr now.

    Thanks... Yes, this is what I did when she returned back to normal this evening.
    Understandably she was disapointed with the fact that my bro & family chose to go out alone inspite of her staying there with them today. Usually we (I and siblings) take her out if we go out as family to anywhere, but there are occations where we go alone as couple, or with kids alone etc... and mom wont make any scene. Mostly she prefers not to join us if our "visiting place" is not of her interest. But looks like, yesterday she was interested to join my bro & family, but did not feel like asking. So, she was expecting them to invite her - which did not happen unfortunately. That too, even after she had told them that she misplaced our key, and there is no one at our place - so without key she can not enter the house etc.... I dont know. But looks like she felt disapointed and returned to us with a heavy heart.
    That's when I told her that we also have an outing plan for that night, and she must have felt misserable to know that there wont be anyone at home when she is back.
    Nevertheless, it is none of our fault, and all circumstantial.
    Her reaction was bit too much, and considering her age and health I understand that we will have to bear similar dramas down the line.

    All I need is some advises to handle it calmly for that 1/2 day or full day issue once in a while without spoiling my mood and that of my family's.

    Thanks again friends
     
    beautifullife30 likes this.
  8. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    I usually cook something my mom/dad likes or take them to temple as they love it and its their happy place or put some old movie on TV/youtube and we all forget the unfortunate incident and come back to normal.
     
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Try to develop a thick skin and not take it personally. Your mom loves you genuinely. However she may have feelings of insecurity as she has to depend on her children in her old age. Many older people also become fixated on routines and don't like sudden changes. They also have a tendency to become more self-centered and expect others to fit around their needs and wants. At the end of the day she loves all her children even though she may be a bit gruff in expressing her feelings. Acknowledge her feelings and don't take things too much to heart.
     
    Saiabimom and Afresh like this.
  10. KumariSupriya

    KumariSupriya New IL'ite

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    I think she need some medication.
     

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