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Mixed Marriage (husband Is Indian, Wife European)please Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DesperateRadha, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. DesperateRadha

    DesperateRadha New IL'ite

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    Hello
    Anyone out there in a similar situation as mine namely a mixed marriage with my Indian husband ?

    I am a great admirer of the Indian culture and as much as possible I try to adapt and apply it in my daily life.

    For example Indian food : my husband is not really pleased when I make a local dish which I can understand so I really do my best to make Indian food you might know that Indian preparing Indian Indian food is very time-consuming Yet the result is very satisfying

    So in that field I mean the kitchen section I try to do my best sometimes successful sometimes and not
    my self confidence is often shaking because of the hungry stomach of my husband and The clock that is ticking
    Another element that is there is the tongue which is not always matching with my husband's preferences

    Another field where I am facing a lot of difficulties is the intimacy-part
    My husbands expectation is that we would do it daily and also he is expecting that I am the one who takes initiative
    My six drive is not that high but I'm not at all against it I guess I am more Average and my husband has a higher libido then I do but he mostly gives me the idea that I am not interested at all which is not true.

    He considers it to be a wives duty

    According to my perception I don't think this should be a duty but something you enjoy together it's not such an easy matter. And it is also very personal but still ladies out there please Share your experiences and advice because this is something what is going on since many years and I don't see any improvement only it's getting more worse

    Thank you so much ❤️
     
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  2. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    Hello I am in a mixed culture relationship. My partner is Indian and I am American. I totally understand the cooking - I am a very good cook (if I say so myself), but I do not know what a lot of Indian dishes "should" taste like or what his expectations are. Then of course, nothing is as good as what his mom makes haha. It can be very time consuming for sure esp if you don't know what you are doing and depending on what you are making so it helps to do a lot of the prep work first. My spices are very well organized, and do you have a Masala Dabba? It helps to keep the most commonly used spices in it so it's easy to reach. I chop a bunch of onions, chilies, tomatoes, potatoes, etc. in advance so that I have them ready to be used. I'll buy chicken in bulk and then chop it all up and freeze it in different bags so I have it ready. The advance prep helps a lot.

    For the rest - it doesn't seem like it is so much an inter cultural issue as it is just an issue that a lot of relationships have. Have the two of you tried going to counseling for this to try to understand each other better and communicate about it?
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2017
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  3. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Indian dishes are not time consuming. There are some very easy one pot meals like bityanis or pulao which are easy to make and takes less time.

    Maybe you can check the food section of this forum where you will get lot of easy cooking ideas of indian food.

    About intimacy, it varies from person to person. Not everyone has same drive. If your partner doesn't force you and is understanding of your needs, i think you should be fine.
     
  4. DesperateRadha

    DesperateRadha New IL'ite

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    namaste
    Thank you Dear For advice

    I knowabout biryanis aso
    But he will not be easily pleased, he really expects atleast 1 subji (preferably 2) rice Dahl
    Anyway I do the best I can..
    You should know that he's a very good cook himself, which makes it even harder for me to meet to his standards..

    He s alSo cooking quit often lately btw..


    About the intimacy-part: he never forces me
    But he plays the victim role
    He says he's expecting that I should make the first move and that it's the wives duty to take care of husbands needs aso..
     
  5. DesperateRadha

    DesperateRadha New IL'ite

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    Thank you dear for your reply
    We didn't try counselling
    He's very sceptical about it ..
     
  6. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    I think it can be hard for someone to open up to a stranger or talk about such personal things, but it is really very helpful to have a neutral third party try to help both of you talk through things. Your husband must have appreciated and loved something about you knowing you are not an Indian woman, so I think the cooking / food is only a part of a bigger miscommunication he may have.
     
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Indian cooking will seem to be a bit tough.he can give you suggestions on what he wants.
    About the intimacy part,he is not fair.
    It is not the wives duty to always initiate.Do you have kids.
     
  8. DesperateRadha

    DesperateRadha New IL'ite

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    Yes, it is definitely true what you say. Moreover, if I would find a counsellor over here it would be definitely a European one, who would have studied here in the west and isn't familiar with indian mindset, (that's his thinking)
    But I will search for one who is familiar with intercultural marriage..
     
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  9. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, dear
    Just wanted to send you some support. I won't be super helpful in terms of advise tho. I'm half Indian, half French, my husband is Indian. I am a good cook, but I don't know how to cook Indian dishes and never was interested in learning... My husband cooks Indian stuff in our place when he craves it. Just letting you know, you don't have to meet your husband's expectations here. The fact that you are trying for him makes you an amazing partner already. Take your time and you will get better at it, if you want to.
    As for intimacy... I'm repulsed by this term "wife's duty". It sounds like coercion and manipulation to me. And it is not about culture. I never heard my husband or my dad saying "wife's duty" about anything. It's about him not respecting your boundaries and your desires. And if he wants to have more sex, explain him how he can please his woman so she actually desires intimacy with him, instead of expecting initiative from you.
    Hugs :)
     
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