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Minor Things But I Feel Its Driving Me Nuts !!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rollingstone, Aug 17, 2016.

  1. rollingstone

    rollingstone New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    My old account got deleted probably because I had not logged in for over an year. Had just been silently reading the posts. My earlier avatar was Wesley, if anyone remembers, anyways, something has been bugging me a little. By no means this is as big an issue as some of the ladies here are facing.

    so when I got married 3 years back, I moved to US with my husband after leaving my job. At the time my inlaws created a lot of issues for me and also for my parents. So much so that my parents told me that if I feel that its not working out and feel suffocated, we will annul the marriage. My inlaws are very odd and also very cheap. They tried to turn DH against me and also had dowry expectations. They still try to turn DH against me. First 3 months of the marriage were very tough with me crying pretty much everyday. When I came to US after marriage, my MIL and FIL were so annoyed that I left my job and went with husband. DH had booked my tickets and visa without asking the inlaws (he admits now that he knew how his parents were so he booked everything). Because I was not earning then, they did not want DH to buy a phone for me. Even if I wanted to learn driving, my mil said, ask her dad to send money if she wants to learn how to drive. These are things I got to hear first year of marriage. I decided to ct the toxic in my life and I only talk to them on holi/diwali/birthdays. (It made my life very peaceful)

    However Dh was supportive and helped me (he sometimes becomes stubbor, I have those days too, but thats okay). I studied here without telling the inlaws (they were never supportive of anything) and I started working from last December in a very good firm. So now my inlaws want to talk to me and the other day, MIL said, why dont you take a phone now. I said I have one from office, I dont need to buy one and keep that in office, I dont bring it home. Now she is asking me for that number. My question is so for 3 years she had no inclination to ask her son to buy me a phone or stay in touch with me, but now that I have a job I should buy a phone and give her my number so she can call me.

    I really dont feel like giving her my number. My MIL and FIL have this habit of stalking people over FB/linkedin/whatsapp/viber and what not. Its just principally wrong !! Any advice ....
     
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  2. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @rollingstone- Your IL's will there for the rest of the time you are married to your DH. No use trying to avoid them.. You will have to face them one day.
    Just give your number and don't talk to them much often. You have your DH support... So constantly tell you have a bad boss, or cant talk/ text at work.. or make up some or the other reason for not being in touch.
    You have dealt with them in much worse situation. You should be good now.Don't stress too much. This phase will pass.. Keep things limited on social media.. for awhile.

    Other than that Congrats on turning negative experience into a positive outcome.
     
  3. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Hopefully you have not shared your phone number yet.

    My opinion is entirely different on this one, because something similar happened with me in the past.

    I would never ever share my office phone number with nosy, cheap, ignorant and down right mean folks like In-Laws. Not sharing my personal phone number with them was my insurance policy for initial years of my married life. Otherwise, they tend to create differences between me and DH. I would go further and used to keep them on speaker and be around husband if they decided to talk to me, to keep my insurance active. Nosy people can create havoc in married life by just talking 2 -3 mins over the phone. I just can not take that chance.

    You are not obligated to share your personal phone number either. IF 3 years back you have cut the toxicity in life by limiting conversations with them, why let them enter the peaceful life now? IF they so badly want to talk to you now ( because of whatever mean reasons they have), tell them to contact you on your husband's phone.

    In my case, MIL was so cheap that when my DH booked my tickets, she had the audacity to ask him if he purchased them for me or I purchased them myself. Her expectation was that me or my folks will fork out money for every small thing needed by me or DH when we got married ( DH had to leave home for work in initial days of marriage). She would never pay a single penny for calling me but would expect me to take her for fancy spas and fancy hotels. I was naive at first but then soon realized that this woman was talking to me only for the money i was bringing home with my salary. She wanted to know everything, who was my boss, who was in my team, how much was I earning, what was my mortgage, what was my insurance. I just told her that i am not comfortable sharing my financial and professional life with her. She asked BIL to stock me on FB, LI, Twitter and Flicker. When I found out, I questioned her. She got mad and complained to DH. Luckily, he supported me. He still talks to them over the phone regularly, but it is very hard for him to keep me away from their nosy behavior. IT has been 5 years, she still does not dare to call me on my phone directly. My stern assertive stand is paying off well now. Is DH happy about it? NO, Does he want me to talk to them regularly? Yes. Has she stopped inquiring about my current work, salary or friends? Never. Does he want to see me get frustrated by his mom's incessant rude behavior on the phone and waste our relaxing weekend? No. So in the end, we have come to a common understanding where he doesn't expect me to talk to her beyond regular pleasantries. And I get my peace by choosing not to let the toxic people enter my aura.

    Please share your expectation with husband and In-Laws about phone calls. And stick with it. Then you do not have to justify every time there is issue over phone calls with In-Laws.

    I hope my opinion is not too blunt.
     
    NeetaR, Laks09, KashmirFlower and 4 others like this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree Op. Don't let your controlling and petty mil too much place in your settled life.Nothing good is going to come of it.
    Tell her you are not allowed to use office phone for personal use and ask her to call you on your husband's number at home.Use the speaker facility .
    Be formal and respectful...but do not drop your guard.Sometimes, with some people distance is the only solution.

    If she objects,ask her what changed suddenly ?Why this sudden need when things are chugging along fine all these years.If husband says something...tell him,things are going fine,why change something that works.Or ask him if he will take responsibility if things go wrong/change with this sudden change.If he doesn't ask...just chill.
     
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  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Do not rock the boat. Meaning continue with how it was before. Don't give your office no to your in laws . It all starts with hi hello. Looking at your background, I think your MIL wants to know whereabouts of your job .I know its a mindset of in laws. Its always we have to know everything about son-DIL . It starts with how r u to how many rotis you ate to , holiday you went on . The important part how much do you earn, save.

    Your hubby seems be a smart and an ideal husband. Kudos to you. Don't invite trouble by giving office phone no. Say your manager is strict and wont let u make/take personal calls.Good Luck.
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Are you the Weasly of old? :blush:
    You have the perfect excuse. Tell them that you are not permitted to use your office phone for personal calls. You don't want them making nuisances of themselves on social media during your work hours. On weekends, since you won't have your own phone all communication gets routed through your DH.
     
  7. SCk

    SCk Silver IL'ite

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    As everyone has said op don t give your phone number n later think for un do button

    You are peaceful n continue to be so

    Don t discuss with your husband about this n invite troubles

    Stay happy. Don t lend your ears to what your pIlaw says
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    They are your in-laws, no matter how mean. In this age of everyone having cell phone, it would be odd if you have one and didn't give them the number. You can figure out ways to minimize responding to their calls - cite 'official' reasons etc. Think about worst case scenarios. If they cannot contact your husband for some reason, your number would be handy. At that point, no one should say, "she didn't even share the work number."

    LinkedIn? Impressive that they managed to get on it. :)
    j/k. I remember your old Wesley id. Good to see posts from you again.
     
  9. Cutie1991

    Cutie1991 Senior IL'ite

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    @Topicmaker: I totally understand what you must be going through (since I have been through the similiar situation). My advice is that just focus on your work and be happy that your husband is supporting you. My husband was a Mamma's boy and I had real tough time showing him true colors of his mom.

    What I sometimes do is just call them and listen to whatever they have to say. no need to extend the conversation from your side. (I just keep saying "Ok, ok" even if I dont agree with something) Keep doing your work on the side. They happy that you talked and you happy that you didnt actually "listen" and waste your time.
     

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