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MIL's irritating maternal family..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by smartgirl, May 5, 2013.

  1. smartgirl

    smartgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello ILites,

    It's soon gonna be 3 years of wedlock and here is something I have been worrying about since a very long time after my wedding.
    I am a very independent and strong girl.I believe in creating inter-dependency rather than a drowning dependency in life. That keeps me strong and going.
    My MIL, though a sweet person and good by heart has been running along my mind with her maternal family and eating my brain cells. Sometimes..too much of love goes undigested completely. Agree? In such case, when u object this too much love, as its hurting u rather than soothing, you become the bad girl. I don;t like to act like accepting their love in front and crib about it at their back. I don't like it..I don't like it. That's all!
    and the Indian society,makes you feel so guilt for being your self.They expect a girl to be humble, obedient, etc. If u r not that way, you are not good. and they make you feel guilty for being yourself.
    My parents are no more.I have a younger brother. I have my own set of worries and loneliness about my life.I am a person who would not want to interfere and would not want interference.
    However,my MIL is so much influenced by her elder sisters and her family (son and DIL's), that she believes that listening to them in every small act of life is her only duty. and I wonder why my FIL never objects. They just need a reason to go to her sis's place(in a different city) (My inlaws did stay in a joint family, bt had a fight and are separated now).
    1.Most of the time they like to be in my MIL's sis place.and their son and DIL's who stay in the same place where I stay expect the same from me and hubby.
    2.They want to visit us very frequently.
    3.They want us to celebrate most of the festivals in their house (celebrating with them is different from celebrating always with them IN THEIR HOUSE is different).
    4. They don't like visiting our house.If they have to in a very rare condition, they make sure, its a very short visit. Max 30 mins. BUT they expect us to spend the whole day..when we visit their place.
    5.They always make me feel, they treat us like some party supporters and they being the party head. We have to run behind them for everything. If their kid has just a fever, my MIL and her sis family expects me n hubby to take off from office to visit the kid.
    6.They never attend any of the functions at hubby’s place. If they do, it’s a very short visit, like VIP guests.some times they refuse to have the lunch / dinner at the function and go to a hotel and eat. And they expect me to join them and my MIL is happy doing that.
    I have expressed my feelings to my hubby and my MIL. Hubby feels I am not used to joint family and that’s the reason I feel this way. It’s the family bonding.
    But I feel, the bonding has to be from both sides. If I am running around in all your functions, I want you to be there when it’s a happy time at my house. For this he says,yeah..bt we don’t follow it that way. Is that right? I feel its like you are doing it more because you are acred about what they would think if you don’t keep them happy all the time.
    My MIL wants me to take leaves for every lil function and no matter how frequently they happen in her sis place. I have done it in the initial stages of my wedding, bt I feel choked now. Its not possible to take leaves that frequently. And she feels I have changed, and if I share something with her, the first thing she does is..calls her sis and dicusses abt it. When I am attending a function at her sis place. I am supposed to wear a sari which her sis decides.
    I feel they are slaves..and they want me to be one. Love is never demanding and commanding.Her sis is very commanding. And she expects every one to listen to her.
    They expect me to call every one in MI:’s family (her dad, mom, sis,her children) very frequently. When I expressed its difficult for me, they made it a big issue my complaining about it to my relative.
    They feel I have not learnt how to keep in contact. According to them calling almost everyday everyone is like keeping in contact. Now I have taken a stand and have started avoiding it since a while they find every way to pich me or taunt me if I happen to talk to them. Why should I call and listen to taunts? My hubby says ignore..bt y?? I am not idle all day to find ways to kill time.
    They don’t attend any function in hubby house, if at all they come, they are treated royally like VIP. No one asks them why they never made it in past, infact they have come is a big thing. Its fine. Bt if I happen to miss a function at their place..the next time I visit, every one (including guests) attending the function questions in such a way that I have missed such a imp thing in life.
    I am stressed so much that..my stress levels have gone up.and doc has advised me me control my stress levels. How do I learn to ignore their taunts.

    Stressed
    Smartgirl
     
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  2. mp1234

    mp1234 Gold IL'ite

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    You have to take a firm stand and discuss with DH.He needs to discuss with MIL firmly about your thinking and your opinion.There is no reason why you should be made to put up with her family's patronising behaviour.
    MIL nor DH should force you to do the same for their relatives what they do for them.
     
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  3. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    I agree that you need not bend and bow to their orders...
    But you have to understand, there could be a valid reason for your PIL and DH treating them as important. My guess is, since your MIL was in a joint family with her ILs, she must have had some issues , and her sisters family could have provided emotional support.
    See the word is 'could'. Only your in laws can explain.
    So, IMO, you can limit your interactions, at the same time, ignore your MILs behaviour..
     
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  4. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    I must compliment you for putting across your thoughts v clearly ;)

    Smart girl, just do what u want..if u want to go for the functions, go and if you don't want to..just give some excuse. They are acting superior since yr mil allows them to. It's difficult for them to change.

    No need to stress yourself over this...just maintain your distance with them.
     
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  5. smartgirl

    smartgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you so much dear friends..

    Your words of comfort backs me up mentally. Otherwise, the world is all set to make me believe that I am the culprit for not learning their culture.They make u feel junk.and at times its so hard to ignore.
    Yeah, Suasin. It is my guess too.Be it whatever reasons, but I believe, for your emotional and social loans in life, you are responsible. You can’t expect the next generation to pay for them.
    Life is once, and to live it the way you want, is all everybody wants. Living far and gathering occasionally is more soothing for souls than living together and meeting frequently. This way we have less to bitch and back bite about others. Since we meet occasionally, its natural that the urge to meet and share joy is more active among family. Instead, crib about the everyday behaviors you encounter.
    But my DH and his family believes joint family is the best way to lead life. However, they ignore the disturbed relations among DH’s paternal side. Living with inlaws and close to relatives requires a lot of maturity and emotional effort among everyone involved in the house. Else life’s gonna be a big mess. You only stay together but not for each other, just to pretend to the world and fight every day and ruin peace and calm for things that don’t really matter to you.
    I know, I understand. But often I fail in following what I know. Patience has stepped down in me. The more I try and explain, they always have felt it is because of my city-life style, education and my career that has affected my nature.
    I pray that God give me serenity to change whats happening.
    Mp1234,Susain,MaritalBliss, Thankyou guys 

    Prayers
    Smartgirl
     
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  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    samrtgirl, I've seen it too...
    MIL adamant about living in a city close to her maternal relationships.... least bothered abu her inlaws.
    Basically she gets a lot of mental support and strength from them... who think alike her and support her in whatever she does.... and mostly its wrong from perspective of ppl arnd her... hence she needs more support from her folks (primarly her parents).... not that her relationships is top class with her own maternal side... just that ppl have to nod to her.... mostly truths u hear only from inlaws... so she's conveniently erased that chapter from her life.....

    Her son who's her ardent fan... simply needs to learn socialization concepts from his mom... who feels the best is to stick to ur own clan.. he has 0 socialization plans... just that his mum can brainwash him for her gatherings and not to mix up with wife's side.... so yes a few crazy families are that way.. simply maintain whatever you like and take a break from what you don't.
     
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  7. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    we are of very similar so i understand and feel your problem. In my case it is SIL. Everything should go according to what she says. Initially i use to feel bad, now i don't care. I is very important that you don't care in real sense. It should not stress you out, make you mad..etc. Like they are insignificant. Even after that somethings will make your blood boile. I have a very standard script "I was busy at work, so much this, weather, not feeling well, maid ran away" and I religiously rat it out to everyone who cares to listen. After a while even they know what is going to come out of my mouth, but can't say anything. my advice DON'T CARE, Act like you are listening but do what you want.
     
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  8. smartgirl

    smartgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Girls,

    Yeah, I have tried ignoring. But at times it becomes so difficult.and I need to vent, where it matters.
    I cant believe some people on earth exist without self respect. I cant imagine living that way.

    You are right Suasin, my MIL's sisters always provide her emotional and FINACIAL support. I just hate it. How can she ask them to help financially??
    All my life I have been taught that at any cost, I need to sustain on what I have. When you ask for a help, one should always remember the debt accounted with it. A timely help can never be paid off.You are entitled to help them when in need. (not only becoz they helped you, but the need to help comes as demand, when u have been helped by them)
    Its okay to help and get help, after all its a world of INTERDEPENDENCY.
    but if you become a parasite , isnt that wrong? and becoz MIL is a parasite to her sisters (widows), she expects her son and her DIL to be the same and oblige to them in every way.
    Hubby's younger brother (still looking for job) ,wanted to do a course from a company,which has guarenteed him job( MIL's brother's son has got job a week before through this company through influence). Hubby had told MIL, we can't afford that course fees, let him look at other options (he has completed Masters (sponsered by hubby, and still was not able to get job. Its fine, bt getting a job like this? isnt that shameful?).Recently, MIL calls us up and says she has taken a mount of 2+ lakhs from her sister and brother for the course fee. Disgusting!! and she says.."We tried convincing them, bt you know them they wanted ur brother to work in IT only and wanted to sponsor". wow!!
    Does it make any sense? your life, your children, and you are responsible for them.You are a parasite, you teach your kids also the same? in return MIL's family expects us to run behind them in every function, visit them at their call like MIL and FIL do.
    I am so upset after hearing this. Hubby had said no, bt now its like, even he has no say. i have not spoken abt this with hubby, it will un-necessarily bring up fight between us. But I am not able to digest the fact that I am related to a family who are parasites and it feels so cheap.It is very obvious that this is the reason MIL wants us to be her family's slave. They behave like VIP, and we are their party members.
    On top of that, to MIL's sisters DIL. I hate her..she does everything to prove me as a bad city girl. She behaves to support all such helps and I dont .When I invite her home, she never comes, and inturn asks me to come over. If at all she comes to my palce it is just for coffee. But its all okay, becoz she is MIL's family. And they are GOOD.
    Will my MIL ever learn some self respect? What do I do? She knows I dont like it. bt still she ends up doing such things.If I were not related to her, I would just laugh about her, and may be gossip and forget. Bt its painful for me as I am a part of my hubby's family. I want my family to be respected among people. Bt MIL does not feel its cheap, or bad to get such help and NEVER HELP them is this way(becoz she's not in position to pay 2 lacs to her sister and they will never ask us financial money as they are rich), instead, take their help and run behind them, is all good for her.

    Irritated
    Smartgirl
     
  9. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    I can imagine what you must be going through...

    it can really get on your nerves... when you are on the receiving end of an "unasked favour"...

    You may not be able to completely avoid it... sharing some tips I can thinkg of

    1) behave like a VIP yourself in their functions... i mean do it tactically... dont do any "gadha majuri" (donkey's work) in their functions... just float around taking up lighter work... like arranging tamboolam in a tray etc ....if your mil chooses to do heavy duty task.. let her... don't try to help her and all... try and stay away from your mil and all her relatives..in short act as if you are an independent invitee detached from your MIL and party...

    2) gang up with kids and join them in their games... spending more time with kids will avoid unwanted time / talk with other adults whom you anyway despise

    3) just vanish from the scene for some half an hour or one hour.... pretend attending an office call, go to the loo for longer than required and may be more frequently... if possible just pull your hubby and may be some cousins out and go for a cup of coffee at the near by shop..

    4) don't talk to any one adult for more than 5 mins... keep floating among different people... i mean 5 mins with mil's sister, then 5 mins with brother, then 5 mins with the other dil... just some hi s and weather talks...

    5) have a hearty talk with your hubby in front of everyone in the function... add a hearty laugh and smiley faces too to your conversation... this is sure to turn heads and will make you feel good... this trick is just to raise your spirit in an awkward situation

    6) avoid that other DIL explicitly... ensure she understands that you are avoiding her...

    7) you could even sweet taunt with a smile on your face on how they dont visit you at all but you alwasy visit them / keep in touch (this would take some experience.. but try your hand slowly but steadily)


    Ahhhh !!! that's enough gyan I suppose....just wondering what all we married women go through just for one simple purpose

    "Don't rock the boat"
     
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  10. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    missed adding...

    all my points above are for important and unavoidable functions...

    skip everything else by giving some or the other excuse...

    may be other ilites can list down some unique excuses...:)
     
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