MIL's Clever Favouritism

Dear op,

The world in itself treats each of us partially ,so we cant expect fair treatment everywhere.Its for us to teach the kids to cope up with partiality by boosting thier self confidence.Do you remember your teacher treating goodlooking or rich kids in your class more special(sometimes in the reverse )?:my2cents

Like our wise Il ites suggested just make sure that it doesnt happen at the cost of openly insulting the kid.Then you need to step in and react,otherwise what your MIL does behind your kids back should rightly bother only your hubby.Try not to place any negative feeling about this partiality to your kid.Wait for her to place her grandma where she wants in her life.Teach the kid to love unconditionally with out any bitterness and comparison.

 

OP,
I can't tell you how to deal with your MIL on this aspect. I have no idea, but I can tell you it doesn't effect your kid in anyway in the long-run. Once realised she may feel bad, but the feeling will not harm her. She understands people who treat her better.

I have faced this as a kid, not only from grandparents but from aunts & uncles too. There was never a fond moment in my memory with any of the grand parents. One set of gps I haven't seen them, by the time of their death I wasn't born in one's case and I was a month's baby in case of another.

Another set of grandparents, I have seen them regularly but never ever was a caring word towards me or my sibling. The same case with some of the aunts I have. They used to gift other kids once they return from any trips/ tours just infront of us, as if we are invisible there. I don't have any resentment towards them and I don't have much affection either. I do treat them respectfully because that's what my mother taught us.

There used to an on-off shower of love once in a while. Once, one of the aunts gifted me with a gold chain. My parents politely refused when she said for the first time that she wants do so, because they understood its not from heart. Even then she gifted saying, she felt guilty that she never did anything for us etc, etc. But after few years she demanded it back and frankly I felt good to give it back.

 

Even I have the same experience as a kid. I am sure many would have undergone something similar.

My paternal grand parents died long before my parents got married. But I had one aunt, who was my dad's eldest sister who was 25 yrs older to my dad. She was almost same age as my maternal grand ma. So, I considered both as my grand-parents.

This aunt never treated me specially like my maternal grandma. This aunt would favor her children's kids of my age, and her sister's kids (my cousins) more than me. Not in public, but I know for sure that this woman cared nothing about us.

But it never affected us either. Perhaps my dad was upset seeking his kids were favoring their maternal relatives the more. But he too did not bother as no one can force someone to love. Frankly I didnt even cry at this aunt's funeral, but almost lost my world when I lost my grandma.

 

Exactly pallavi. they learn. kids are fast learners and i have seen some kids who creep their way into their affection. again that is the equation between those two.the kid and the gp.

i like this. this is what i see in my kids. recently when the gp was sick, it was my son who was helping him. when he gets scared staying alone, he sleeps with him and also cleans the toilet that he messes up, and has no resesentment, nor love. he just takes it in his stride.

i feel happy, that we could give them that solid base of love and confidence that nothing else is of so much importance.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have nothing much to add as I am going through the exact same thing. Having said this, the partial game started with my MILs kids itself (i.e my DH and SIL). She has always been partial to my SIL and so, naturally, she was partial to her kids than ours.

Initially it did bother me; but over a period of time, I started looking at it in a different way. She is missing out on all the lovely things that my DD does. Maybe my MIL is thinking the same about us, that we are missing out. Whatever the reason is, if there is nothing much we can do about it, just let it be. Kids will be fine. They have you for a mom.

 

@preethiitech love now don't say sorry and all. i know it can be really painful to watch but then it is life.

i was not sure if what i would like to say be taken in the right sense. sometimes all that i read and the replies make me feel ancient, not that i don't appreciate the efforts.

if i were to post some of the incidents in my life, people here would say why are you still in this marriage or OMG, while i would smile and say because it is worth the risk, the compromises i had to take, and what did i achieve at the end of these 20+ odd years a very strong confident self, a loving family and a friend,soulmate in a husband.

As i always tell my daughter, though i am sure there will be many who may not like the analogy. you and relationships are concentric circles. whom you want to place in which circle is your choice. placing the one who is so toxic in the inner circle and complaining of heart burn, and more is not going to help you. because the one who is toxic may/maynot be aware. even if they are they maynot change and your pain is no where going to effect them. ultimately it is only you who suffers. so just accept them as they are and give them the importance in your perceptions as they deserve, and just because you don't like the person does not mean you should go about bitching, cursing or showing faces..just smile and leave. it has more power. Do not beat yourself for what is not in your power to change, it is foolish. you have choices, and use them wisely.. either stay in or stay out or if you don't have that choice and are in a mid-ground keep them far..

Life is a learning curve, we all learn through our own experiences or from those of people close to us.

Being there for your kiddo, telling her she is the most precious person and she is loved as she is.

(P.S. there is so much blessing in disguise, imagine if she were to be with you everyday...)