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MIL's Clever Favouritism

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preethiitech, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    I find very valid points raised by both SGBV and Rihana.

    Kids should not be corrupted. But they should also not get an inferiority complex, thinking the favoured child is superior, and she is inferior. It is the parents' responsibility to teach the child that she is just as good as anyone else.

    I think it is natural and right to teach the child to interact with those people who treat her good, for her self - development. Young children are impressionable and their opinions are governed by grown ups. She should be encouraged to spend more time and be more involved with the other grandmother, simply for this reason, and not as a slight to the other grandmother. Of course, if the grandmother is openly showing preference for one child over the other, in front of the children. Otherwise, no point bothering about it. Some favouritism is always there in families.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I find it very strange that parents can actually love one child more than the others.Children are not friends that you can choose .They are your flesh and blood.

    Parents can help one child more than others based on the needs ...or may stay with one...but how can one love one more than the other.It just seems wrong.

    Differentiating between grandchildren is just plain petty. Unless and until one grandchild is in need of special care or material need.....it is just not right. One would expect better from people as experienced in life as grand parents.I would be really really sad if one of my grandchild felt ignored or less loved by me.
     
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  3. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    I totally agree. You make a special relationship with each of your child and later with each of your grandchildren. I have four grandchildren and they are all very special to me. I have spent more time with my older daughter kids as their father passed away when the youngest was only 5 weeks old and had to help my daughter. My younger daughter is into attachment parenting so her daughter did not stay at my place over night until she was older. But I still love them all equally.
     
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  4. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    If I were you,
    I would not bother much, I wont even care to know whom she is caring more, because that's between the mother and her kids. Hubby's botheration, not mine. As long as mil or hubby doesn't drag me into their circus, they are safe ;-)
    We cannot demand or force love and attention. Its upto her whom she gives how much love. my kids won't feel absence of love or attention unless we put into their mind that they are not getting something they are supposed to. Don't make it a issue or point it out explicitly that this grandparent is someone who is supposed to give them more than what they are getting now. Kids are clever and simple hearted, they'll return what they get. We need not teach them. They can see and feel love.
    Personally, I would celebrate the day when my mil would leave me and my kids alone. I don't expect her visits or love or care, all I expect from her is respect when dealing with issues and matters involving me. Rest, I don't care where shes been to and when. Since I don't expect her visits, I am happy if she visits, and happier if she doesn't...(though I hate unannounced visits - I politely made it a point to my mil that she has to inform me well in advance about her visits to my place, if any.)
    No. kids won't think they are being dejected of love as long as their parents give them enough. Avoid situations like all the kids are under one roof for holidays/parties and your mil showers over love on only one set making your kids feel less wanted. Unless that, they would be busy in their own world.. Unless she dares to hurt my kid, she wouldn't have to face me.
    What would you confront her or ask her? That why doesn't she love your kids are give them attention? That you and your kids are yearning for her love?? Whyyy??? O why?? You need not pretend that there is nothing wrong. Just understand that there is nothing wrong.. Her life, her heart, her love, her wish. As I already said, you cannot force or demand love. It hurts when you expect. Haven't IL already taught you how foolish is it to expect "anything" from in laws?
    What are you tolerating? her absence and lack of attention?thinkingsmiley Isn't that something to celebrate? Relax, take a chill pill and concentrate on your kids..:coffee
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This favoritism is even worse when it happens between children in the same family.
    My mil would show a bit of favoritism for one of my daughters because she looks like my husband while the other looks like me.I let it pass for some time.

    Yeh hum logon jaisi hai(she is like us)

    Once my mil told me to leave her with her while I was planning to spend the day with my parents and take the other one. Isko yahan rehne do...usko le jao(let her stay here...take the other one)....that was the last straw.I told her ,both are their(my parents )grand daughters and both will go. That put a stop to the "like us" and "like them" talks.

    If grand parents are not fair...then parents have to step in to make sure their children are treated fairly and not hurt.

    .....................................................
    I see this discrimination at my parents place too.My dad would sometimes slap my brother's son if he misbehaved but rarely any of the girls......when I told him he does that....he did not like it and the reaction was"ladkon ko seedha karna padta hai"(boys need to be set right).

    I told my dad..."he will remember you as the grandfather who hit him".....I hope that stopped it.....haven't seen it in front of me at least.
     
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  6. Brindhs

    Brindhs New IL'ite

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    As voiced by SGBV, it is natural to get closer to select kids/grandd kids, though it is not good to see behaviour. I as a mom, would love to share my 2 cents in this context.

    1. Do not worry too much on this as this might spoil your behaviour not only towards your hubby and family but will have a bearing on your natural behaviour towards man kind as well. Hence start telling yourself that "my kids are not losing anything great and we as parents can take an extra mile to cover it up". This would help you have a comfortable mindset and handle things much more effectively and efficiently.
    2.
    a. Do not open this topic of the grand parents partial behaviour with the kids or in front of them as this might add a similar stress to them and get worked up.
    b. Even if they open up and come to you, hear them out and handle it better with sensible reasons for their behaviour for the kids to get comfortable and not carry this in their mind.

    Until they understand things on their own, we as elders not confuse them with our own perception. Hope this helps :)
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I have a totally different view point on this YM

    I dont see it is practical to shower your love equally unless you are the parents. Even parental favoritism is there. I might sound good or friendly if I go with the flow. Sadly, I can not say YES to something which is not okay to me.

    You cab't force someone to love you. It certainly depends on the amount of time you share with each other.

    My aunt (my dad's sister) has 6 grand kids. She lives with one DD, and is so fond of her 2 daughters. Her other DD just lives close by, and her son is also attached to this grand-ma

    However, her other son and another DD lives in abroad. They get to see each other once in a year or so. Even then, the kids are more attached to their comfort zones and not with grand parents like the other kids. I can bet that my aunt does not share the same level of affection on these grand children. I can even write an essay about this.
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    We can agree to disagree SGBV.:)
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Favourism is definitely worse when it happens in front of the children concerned. If my mom treats my son a better way compared to my sister's kid, then it is sadly a wrong thing to do. It is something to do with manners and balancing.

    However, no one can expect my mom to have the same love that she shares with my son to other kid in our family. Because it is something shared between them, by living under the same roof, and sharing everything (ups and downs) together. This is definitely different from my mother's relationship with other grand-kids who just visit her once in a month and barely stays with her.

    For example, my sister's MIL would miss my sister's DD (her grand kid) even if she goes out of the house for a day. But she doesn't seem to be missing her rest of the grand children who live far from her, on a daily basis.
    Though she can give a blanket statement as to "I love them all..." The underlying truth is that she loves this one a little more.

    My kids are more attached to their maternal grand mother, where as my sister's kid is attached her paternal grand mother. This is how they are treated special by each grand parents depending on their living arrangements.

    If someone compares the kids, or shows indifferent treatment before them, it is wrong. It is a matter of their sickened behavior. However, it does not mean having different amount of love for different grand kids, depend on the circumstance is wrong. For me, it is practical.

    To say more to it... My MIL does not love my kids the way my mom loves them. But I care nothing about it. I will only care when she shows indifferent treatment to hurt the child at any stage of their lives. Until then, her excess love for some other kid won't hurt me or my kid as long as we are not dependent on them.
     
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  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @preethiitech love, i am the wrong person to be tagged for this particular topic, because i would not want to comment much for very obvious reasons. but remember it is not about your child at all here. It is about her understanding of the relationships. her equations..daughter-mother and daughter-in-law and motherinlaw..in the power game she tends to forget the child is her own son's kid..skewed up thoughts...

    I have grown up seeing this favoritism among children in our families, friends too. there are many reasons, however the reasons don't justify. but then the human mind and the mysteries...

    but if it makes you feel better. have you seen the grandparents showing partiality between your own kids. i mean the brother and the sister. i have. do they know. yes they know. the sister went and asked why are you doing this. the gp told her that this is the way i like to do, you don't question me.

    Now the kids are teenagers and they don't care about whether their gp's love them. they don't bother if they are not even wished. they don't bother if they don't get gifts. even in the recent birthday the sister got a Xk amount as gift, while the brother has never in his life got even 1rs as a gift.

    I am sure you can deduce who those brother and sister are. they are my own kids.

    My son, has never been carried by my mil, while my daughter was pampered.
    mil is no more. there are pictures that are proof to these..

    today they have just one grandfather left, and the fair and unfair keeps on shaking and that is a story i would not want to discuss.

    What helped us..

    Whatever partiality happened does not matter much as we don't talk about it, discuss about it, and we just casually make a statement like it is their nature.
    sometimes, you cannot change the nature. the best possible way would be to condition the kids to not be influenced or feel bad. talking about being hurt and also about the unfair behaviour and telling them it is not about them, it is about how the mental make up of the grandparent is.

    there is no partiallity in the way we handle them.

    inspite of all this never have the kids shown disrespect to their grandparent.

    You never know as they grow up, children sometimes find their own way to burrow into the heart of the one who shows favoritism.

    and my only suggestion would be never manipulate the child..allow them to be themselves, help them , reassure them that they are your loved ones, and allowe them to learn to be tough and resilient.

    (again these are my personal views..)
     
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