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MIL's behaviour changed after marriage

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by RashmiR, Jun 1, 2010.

  1. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I have been watching this forum for quite sometime and thought of telling u my worries here.. Please let me know how would u react to the below mentioned situations that i faced..
    AS an intro, i would like to tell that i knew my husband and his family right from my childhood.. they were our family friends.. they stayed in a different place.. i used to visit their house very often and play with my friends there (who r my BIL's now).. Aunty used to be very fond of me and she (MIL, now) proposed to my grandma (who is a neighbour to my MIL) about her wish of getting married me to his son.. Then everything went on well and we both got married.. I was so happy that I have got the same family that i knew for years to live with.. So i thought there would be no difference of opinions n al tat.. But slowly everything started emerging..

    1) Everyone appreciated my parents for conducting the marriage in such a grand manner.. I am not telling this just for sake of my parents but it is the truth.. Even my in laws relatives said the same thing to my parents.. But my MIL told me (not even a week after the marriage) that my parents have got me married just for the sake of finishing my marriage in a hurry and it was not grand at all.. i felt very bad and was wondering why was she behaving that way suddenly..

    2) Another day, many of her relatives had visited our house. They had come an on occasion of their relative's wedding. MY MIL had given 2 of her necklaces to her relatives to wear for the marriage. That night, my FIL was expected to arrive. After we all came back home from the function, my MIL went to pick my FIL along with my husband. So her relatives gave those 2 necklaces to me asking them to return it to my MIL. That night my FIL came home late and we all started sleeping. I opened the door, gave him milk to drink and slept off. The next day morning, as soon as i woke up (at 6 am), i handed over the necklaces to my MIL with kit and she confirmed that there r 2 necklaces in it. Lateraround 830 am, when i was bathing, she was questioning me saying that there is only one necklace in that kit. When my husband went to check wat had happened, my MIL picks the necklace from a shelf and says that she found it there. I felt that she was planning to blame me and so she has acted as if the necklace is lost.

    3) As i told u earlier, it was she who proposed to get me married to her son. We r tamilians and they r marathis. When her relatives had enquired why r they getting a tamil gal married to her son, it seems that this lady has replied saying "just to give a life to a gal who is suffering in her family cos of her SIL, i felt pity on her and getting her married to my son". (One of her relatives told me this.. I wouldnt have believed this if she had not told about my SIL.. Cos tat was the truth.. so this must be a truth as well)

    4)I am carrying now (4 months)..and my MIL has visited me only once so far.. When i talk to her over phone, she does not even bother to ask how my health is.. my mom used to stay with me now and then and help me.. But it was not feasible for her to stay with me for a long time as she is working ans her workplace is quite far away from my home.. And now that i have come to my mom's place for a month (as per our customs).. these many days whenever i requested my MIL to come and help me, she used to say "i am allergic of vomiting sound..Moreover i am only not well and dr has asked me not to travel.. so i cant come" wud be her reply.. Now that i have gone to my mom's place, she is coming to visit her son and cook for him..

    5) Last but not the least...2 weeeks back, there was a function for my BIL and i was asked sing aarathi song.. I havent learnt music and o i told her that i do not know any aarathi song.. Immediately her reply was "if u don't sing a song now, u'll ve a dumb baby only".. when my DH and BIL scolded her for that, she looks at me and gives me a wicked smile..

    I feel very bad to notice her change in behaviour as soon as i got married.. She has even cried as soon as my husband tied my knot. When my sister's husband went to console her, she has told him, "my son was only for me these many yrs, and how am i gonna share him for the rest of my life".. she even cried when we started for our honeymoon.. These all made me feel bad..
    Now that she is coming this weekend, i don feel like going and seeing her.. What is ur opinion? What would you have done in my situation..??

    Thanks for readin such a lengthy post...

    Note: Forgot to mention about my DH.. he is so sweet, caring, and very supporting..I'm so fortunate to have him as my DH
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2010
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  2. Pavithra55

    Pavithra55 Gold IL'ite

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    hi dear. dont worry things will change. your mil must be feeling very insecure. you dont take any tensions to your heart. just stay calm and be as you are with out changing your behaviour. she ll change by time. since your carrying be positive and dont be upset dear
     
  3. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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    hmmm. thanks dear.. I have not uttered a word against her so far keeping my DH in my mind,, He should not get hurt if i utter a word.. And that's why i keep mumb if she says something but unable to control my tears.. that's the only way i react to her words..
     
  4. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Rashmi,

    Maybe becoming a MIL changed her attitude. Anyway... your best bet would be to bond with your DH. If he is sensible enough to say right is right and wrong is wrong and is not afraid to stand up for you, then your MIL's behavior will not affect you much.

    If she is visiting as a guest, you must go and see her, but instead of crying or worrying about your MIL, spend that time effectively in bonding with your DH.
     
  5. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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    hi sita..

    Even my mom, dad, and grandma asks me to go n visit her when she comes home this weekend.. So the point that u had mentioned is also valid "If she is visiting as a guest, you must go and see her".. SO i'm definitely planning to do that.. Thanks dear..
     
  6. Sobhi

    Sobhi Senior IL'ite

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    Hey dear

    You need to take care of urself first now since you are pregnant.
    Your emotional well being is very necessary for your baby.
    Dont bother about your MIL. Just avoid what ever she says and does.

    Its difficult, but please do it for your baby. Strenthen your bond with your DH. After baby you people may not find much times as a couple till one year. The baby will keep you people occupied.

    So dont place too much focus on your MIL .....take care of your baby.
    read some good books. listen to good music.....

    If possible learn to read vishnu sahasranama and lalita sahasranama.
    If not any simple good mantras.

    These all will have tremendous effect on your baby.

    I had done the same when i had my baby1.5 yrs back.
    take care
    Shobha
     
  7. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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    Oh thats' nice to hear shobha.. I'll definitely have to start readin some sahasranamas or any garbarakshambika shlokas..

    Since i'm working, i never have time to do that :(

    And thanks for ur advice dear.. Will definitely follow.. As u say, it'll surely spoil my baby's healt if i keep on worrying about my MIL
     
  8. shantisubra

    shantisubra Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Rashmi

    If MiL means they think they are a CUT above all. I really wonder, what's so great to be a mother of a man for so much pride and attitude which a girl or her mother should not have or should go down for everything. I cant even stand for such a feeling. I hate it.

    You just dont worry. Draw a line now itself. If she shows face, either you just ignore or dare not to show your face too. Thorn has to be removed with Thorn only. There is no need to bow down for her position, but yes... for the age and only AGE. Nothing else. You dont expect her to help you or entertain you or care for you during pregnancy or after delivery. Enjoy your time at your mom's place. If she is far off, visit her every week ends or let her visit you in week ends. Last but not the least, employ a full time maid to take care of your kitchen and other needs now and later on after delivery for few months.

    Now if you have no time to read Sahasranamams due to their lengthy nature, you may read Mahisashura Mardhini slokam and /or Kandha Sashti Kavasam. This will give you all the courage and bravery needed to face the delivery which is more important than worrying about your MiL..... at this stage.

    My MiL also says that in her niece's home, only whatever her MiL says is the last and final word. Her MiL rules the home. She said with great expectation and jealous to me yesterday, expecting that in my home too. I heard it thru my right ear and left thru my left.........

    Good luck
    Shanti
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2010
  9. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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    Hi Shanti,

    U r very true... Wil start reading kandha sa**** kavsam atleast..

    My MIL stays in a different town.. so tought to visit her now and then especially in this stage... Lets see if she comes down to see me atleast :)
     
  10. RashmiR

    RashmiR New IL'ite

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